I recently lost my mother. I am conflicted by my feelings of relief and anger. How have others coped?

Dear sdbike...my condolences to you. Although my father hasn’t died yet, the other day I was thinking how different it will be when he does in terms of not having everything to deal with what all I did. It is an adjustment to have that part of your life suddenly end along with the fact that your mother died. And being her caregiver was a part of your identity. Give it time and I’m glad you going to take advantage of hospice counseling. They will certainly be in a position to offer guidance. I hope you will find a way to carry on and even move to community where you can begin a social life again. You may even want to consider volunteer work eventually. Best to you..and hugs.

Hi there: I very much understand where you are coming from. I went through a similar situation with my father 12 years ago. It's a long story but I was also responsible for the handling of his care as my mother and 5 siblings simply couldn't make any decisions. Unlike you, however my father died in a nursing home approximately 8 months after he entered one. During that time period, I had to handle his financial affairs and any issues that would arise with social workers, etc. It all fell on me. At that time I was also dealing with 2 teenagers at home. I am now dealing with the same issues with my mother who is currently in her 4th nursing facility in 6 months. It is physically and emotionally draining and since I retired (also 6 months ago) my mother's situation has been like a job to me. Now that she is somewhat stable and will probably remain at the facility she is in until she passes, I am almost bored if you can believe that. No more calls from social workers, doctors, family meetings, etc. I always remember getting the call that my Dad died. There was almost a sense of relief in that (I hate saying that) and I have actually felt the same way about my mother. You just want it to be over but then when it is, you feel a tremendous amount of guilt. You dedicated 8 years of your life to your mom and for that you should be commended. She was lucky to have you. It sounds like now you need to take care of you. I highly suggest counseling as I recently sought out the help of a therapist to help me with what all of this has done to me. I also suggest exercise. I joined my local YMCA and have taken part in many of the classes. Now that you no longer have the social interaction that you experienced with your mother, you need to find it elsewhere. Staying active is key though I have to admit that many days I also struggle to get out of bed. Please note that I am also 60 and quite honestly, hitting that number this year was somewhat traumatizing for me and made me really take a look at my life. Many days I find myself quite depressed about life in general which is why I sought out the help of a therapist. I really hope you do take advantage of the hospice counseling, You need to take care of you now. I understand how hard it is to move forward but somewhat we must. I wish you the best of luck.

Sorry for your loss equally sorry your feeling so lost,time tends to soften most feelings we have even if we don't want this. I am getting ready to take my mother to a memory facility it is killing me me but for 8 yrs. I have been poa & primary caregiver to my parents. My father is in rehab from another fall. I cannot leave mother alone with him gone her dementia makes her very fearful and all she can focus on is where is dad. I found a nice memory care in the facility my dad is getting rehab in,I am placing mom there,then when dad is finished with rehab place him with mom. They said they have couples in memory care. They have been married almost 70 yrs. I cannot imagine just leaving my mom and walking away she is so scared of being left when we visit dad. I know my life will be better,my marriage and my health witch is suffering will be better when this is done. Being a caregiver is all consuming no matter how much you want to or try to.The guilt and sadness actually make me sick thinking of leaving her there after new years day. I am telling myself we will all be fine and that time good old time always passing will eventually soften my feelings just as it has though so many things in my life. Let yourself feel what you need your allowed this. Then move on fill the empty space with things that at the end of the day give you feelings that make you feel satisfied not sad. God Bless you

Dear sdbike, I can empathize with you. My mom was in a hospice facility when she passed. I too, have no children and am not married. I do, however, have a church to go to. That has sustained me. I pray daily and get energized every Sunday at Holy Mass. It is a hard road...feeling sadness at your loss and relieved at the same time to not have the daily stress of having to care for a loved one. Only one of my 5 brother's has actually helped me with my mother during her illness. He took care of her on the weekends he didn't have to work...until it became too much for him. I still have guilt that I didn't do enough for her. I have moments of "what if"...what if i did this thing different and what if I could have...it doesn't stop. Truth is...each person is different and there are so many "what ifs" if you dwell on them...you will end up a patient. So...I have decided to let go and let God. I didn't get an inheritance and have to struggle with part time jobs to pay bills...and Hurricane Harvey didn't help with the damage to the house....but, it is what it is. I understand about your grief and feelings of guilt. I would advise you to follow up on the hospice counseling. I went to a couple of meetings and they do help. If I didn't have to work, I would have attended all of them. They have what they call a "Butterfly Release" event every year in memory of the hospice patients that have died. Mom was a lover of nature and animals, as well as children...so it was a very nice, appropriate activity to remember her by. I remember her saying once, when life got to be overwhelming for her (she had my 3 older brothers at that time under 4 years old and my sister was on the way) she would go into the woods across the dirt road and scream. She said it helped her a lot. lol

Okay, if you want a job, even at your age, check into senior services. Here in Ohio, we have a program that trains seniors how to re-enter the work force, how do update their work experiences and so on as well as teach you how to interview. It's amazing how many jobs are out there for people our age. (I'm 72). If you don't want to work, look into working for free. Volunteer work can help you feel you are doing something with your life. Would you want to volunteer in a nursing home? Maybe in a senior center or a senior day care? They all could do with your help. If you don't want to do that, there a 1000's of places that need volunteers to help. Usher at a local little theater, work at a food bank.... you name it, it's out there. And it will give more purpose to your life. Oh, and even hospitals need volunteers, from rocking babies to delivering flowers. Time to re-start your life and I wish you the best.

Dear sdbike,
All the feelings at the same time. I found a number of ways to process all the feelings.
- When I was cleaning out the house and it all got to be too much, I would drop what I was doing and go outside and walk. I had to move to process all the feelings, and to get away from the intensity for a bit, to find my strength again.
-And I would “talk” to her in my head. It helped me to vent what I was going through. Pushing the feelings away doesn’t help me. I have to feel it to get through it.
-Painting also helps me. Just pick a color and paint whatever you feel like.
There was a huge void that I had to be with for a while before I moved forward to fill it.
It’s a difficult journey.... and a rich one.

Grief counseling sounds like a great idea. My dad's hospice offered counseling too and I declined. I wish I had sought it out when it was available (and free). But at the time I just wanted to be left alone. I regret that decision.

I love this site. You all are like me. One thing I know is to "let time have time". I heard that once, and never really understood it. We all want instant answers, and it really doesn't work that way. I too will have to place my little mom, soon due to money situation. I go there alone 3 times a week while everyone else lives their life. I have been given the chance to see Adeline as Adeline. I wish I had her as a young friend to run around with. She actually has a wit. It's hard. I hate looking at the filthy floors, shoveling snow, buying groceries, but this was put in my path for some reason, and I'm sure in the future it's reason will become clear. Take care, and have a healthy, and blessed 2018🌻

P.S. Does anyone know a good facility in the Cleve, Oh. Area? Are we aloud to ask this?

My parents are still alive but with several health issues. I care for both of them in my home, alone because I'm an only child. They are a full time job for me. Besides I have teenagers at home, so I´m really full. I always think how it will be for me when this is over. Will I feel a relief, sadness, or guilt? I try to figure out a new life project so I don´t feel too lost at that moment.

I am going through that stress now if not knowing when it will happen. I have always been sole everything and have lost many jobs,as well. She recently went into a memory care unit which is wonderful but still lost that i am not sole one in control of everything and at same time relieved knowing she has wonderful care and don't need to worry about running out in a blizzard to take care of the many emergencies yet still lost and living each day stressed out and anxiety of when it is coming but so comforting knowing i am not the only one to experience these things

60 is young-ish! If you are an animal lover, consider adopting a dog, cat, ... fish. A pet is like a part-time job of daily walking and/or playing, training, grooming, etc. And I think hospice counseling is a great idea. Also, get a hobby. Hobbies are not necessarily expensive. Bird watching, for example, is virtually free. Use your library as a resource for finding things in which you are interested. Volunteer at a food pantry or delivering meals to shut-ins. Consider taking a class at your community college. And please remember to be kind to yourself.

I will not share my story or how we may have had very similar experiences. I will just say for all the years you have given to this journey in your life, one I am sure you would not have expected nor wanted, 'time' is what it is going to take. Time on your own schedule. During this time, follow where your heart takes you. This time and the time that follows is now yours. Yours to live the way you would have wanted to live. Take time and be kind to yourself.

What an ordeal for you. It's so unfair that your siblings didn't help at all but that happens a lot. In fact, that's the way it is in my family. No one's ever around to help my mother when she's sick but every one of them turn up when she gives them each a wad of cash at Christmas.

The counseling sounds like a great idea, exercise as someone else mentioned and you might try meditating, which clears, calms and focuses the mind and helps you sleep better.

There is also meetup.com in almost every of the country--groups meet for knitting, language, cuisine, walking, crafts, discussion, and you'd be sure to meet friendly people.

It's normal to feel adrift during a life transition. Best to you.

Sdbike, we're very similar. I'm single, never married, no kids, not religious. My mom died this year after me taking care of her for 15 years. I did the very best I could for mom (and dad as well) so I have no regrets. When mom died, I felt so much relief and peace. That stage of my life is over.

Right after mom died, I had lots to do - clean out her apt, close out her estate, etc. Now, seven months later, I'm still figuring out what to do next. I had a non-profit job that ended in August. So now I'm doing a LOT of just watching TV, sitting, working crossword puzzles, and not much of anything. I'm doing some exercise. I'm doing some volunteering, driving seniors to doctors' appointments. I want to do more, but I'm drawn to doing nothing right now. I think it's those years and years of doing so much that now I just want to do nothing. And it's winter and cold and I feel like I'm hibernating. And that's OK. When I'm ready, I'll do more. I don't regret the time I spent taking care of my folks, I couldn't have done anything else.

I agree that if you need it, counseling is very good. So is volunteering. Just take your time and trust that you'll come back to your center and figure out what you're meant to do. Sixty is YOUNG these days! You can work or volunteer or start a new business (I'm contemplating that), or travel, or start a MeetUp group for something you love to do...the world is your oyster. You just have to believe that!

sdbike, you mentioned one thing that has not been addressed so far, and that is that you are living in a town you don't want to be in. I can relate because I am where I am now only because my sister wanted to move our parents here to be close to her so I moved here to help take care of them. My father is now gone and my mother is bedridden in a nursing home. I don't plan to stay here after my mother is gone. Did you like someplace you lived before much better? Or would you like to be someplace completely different from anywhere you have ever lived? Do you have any specific places in mind? You could use this time to help figure out where you want to be, or if you already know then you can start planning your move there.

Depending upon your financial situation, you now have some freedom to travel. Are there any things you would have wanted to do during those 8 years of caring that you had to postpone? Others have suggested various opportunities for volunteering, etc., which are all fine, but are you a person who would rather start a business, found a new organization, write a book, build something, or engage in another activity that will use your specific interests, talents, knowledge and skills more intensely? Would caregiving/charitable activities appeal to you or would you prefer to put this completely behind you to pursue something completely unrelated? I recall reading where someone on this site said or quoted "it is never too late to change the trajectory of one's life". People sometimes joke that there isn't a tag on one's toe with a certain occupation printed on it, but if you just happen to find a tag there you now have the freedom and opportunity to write on it whatever you want.

My sincerest condolences to you. My dad passed away a few weeks ago. He was 89 and suffered from dementia for 5 long years. My mom was POA and she did what you did everyday. I cannot speak for her, but I can tell you that she is relieved. Relieved that her husband is no longer suffering and is at peace now in heaven. She is coping by staying in touch with friends and family in person and by phone. I told her she needs to focus on her health now. She is 84. I will watch for signs of depression (my MIL had depression when her husband died) and recommend she see her doctor if needed.

60 is the new beginning age. Dream like you’re 21. Live.

Your story is my story except that my 93 yo Mom with COPD & early stage ALZ is still in her home. I moved in with her over a yr ago now so have 2 homes to take care of as well as work part time. Had no idea what I was getting myself into. Didn't really know how debilitating depression and anxiety can be.

I often think of when that time comes and how I will deal.

I feel betrayed by some friends and even a few potential romantic possibilities who could not deal with my care giving lifestyle. I asked Moms Pastor to help start a group of folks willing to visit seniors of the congregation. There were 3 of us available including myself but no word yet. And then there is my brother and his girlfriend who live 5 doors away and a nephew who do absolutely nothing. They don't even visit or call. Still don't have portable O2 for Mom .....have begged and pleaded.... I could go on with all the disappointments and dead ends.

So for me it's the betrayal of both my Mom & myself that hit the hardest.

I know I have inherited my Moms fear factor mentality despite the fact that I was able to conquer those feelings to become a confident adult. They are rushing back to me now wondering what my future will bring as a SINK....single income/no kids. I will leave homes property to the local land trusts or SPCA I suppose.

I would reach out to the other family members you got to know at your Moms facility....just show up at lunch time to help them out and go from there.

It's a personal question but am wondering what other SINK's are doing with their estates.

Good luck to everyone in their journeys.......xxxooo

I met my DH 6 months after his first wife passed - he had been tending her, bedridden, for about 2 years. He was lost with nothing to do, after so many years of tending a sick wife.

I married him at 64, when I was 34, after we had been a couple for 13 months. I went into this knowing that down the road, eventually I would be placed in a similar position to what he was in.

Well, he was sent home to die, 2 years ago, so I have been living through this 24/7 caregiving for the past 2 years. I refuse to place him in a home unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

My plans for "after" include volunteer work at the local Nursing Home where I think my attentions will be appreciated and wanted. However, none of us really knows what we will go through "after" the caregiving is over.

I think the Hospice Counseling is a wonderful idea as they deal with this situation daily. Who knows, if you pray for it, God might send you your perfect match - he sent me mine, even if 30 years older than me. Yes, I learned that we both prayed but it took 6 months to finally meet my perfect match.

And there is nothing holding you within a town you don't want to reside. Look around and think about where you'd prefer to live. Maybe a Retirement Community so you won't be all alone?

Like jenniferq I will not share my long drawn out story but let's just say I have been in your shoes with my mom and still with my 95 year old father who is in the hospital as I type. As my much as I love them both i feel like a nurse, financial planner, taxi driver, all And anything else. When Mom Died last year i was so relieved for her as well as myself. I felt a Little guilty about that but with time it got better and i knew that I had done my best by her and for her. Now, let's move on to my dad. I'm doing the same things for him if not more since he doesn't have dem/alz. Husband and I have a big trip coming up in 6 mos. I know I will worry about him the whole time and it will consume me to the point of not enjoying the trip. I will have our son check on him along with my niece but they don't know things like I do. I guess my point is and sorry it took so long to get to it is in not sure what life will look like without anyone to take care of. Not that I want anything to happen to my dad but I am looking forwArd to being able to just pick up and go. I will probably feel a little lost at first, but I think it hope and pray it will be an easy adjustment. I am sorry for your loss and lack of direction but I also agree that counseling will help. It's like having PTSD, you are waiting for something else to happen. Good luck to you and may God Bless you and give you guidance.

Dear sdbike, the mixture of emotions is very normal, at least it has been for me. My mom has lived with my husband and I for the last 10 years.  Your life was totally changed by your choice of caring for your mom. What a blessing you must of been to her.
It must feel in some way that those years were robbed from you. Now you are left to pick up your life again and move on. There is a lot to grieve.  Allow yourself that time. You are making a good choice to go to grief counseling.  
Volunteering may help you find a new group of friends and give you a reason to get up every day. 
🙏 Blessings 

I am so sorry for your loss, you were a beautiful blessing to your mom, know in your heart you gave her what many others can not or will not give to others.

Get through your grief counseling on your time, but plan the rest of your life. You are still young enough to reach for the stars. Move to your dream location and do things that you think you might like, if you end up not liking them, oh well, move to the next thing, reach for happiness in all things. You obviously have a tremendous heart and that kind of gift can bring much happiness to all you come in contact with, asking the tired waitress how she is doing, and really caring can change her entire day, use what you have to positively touch others, it is truly healing, for you and others. Love changes lives.

Take care of yourself in 2018 and live the beautiful life you hold in your heart.

Not much to add here but glad to see this being discussed. I am the Durable and Healthcare POA for my 89-year old father and I live with him. I am responsible for paying the bills, taxes, etc. since my late mother always took care of that.

I am 58 years old, soon will be 59, and I retired from my job 6 months ago after having met the Minimum Retirement age and putting in 30 years with a Federal Agency. Ideally, I should have continued working for a few more years but the job had its own stressful aspects, including a long commute, and I just thought that it made sense to retire because then it would be easier if I had to take my father to appointments, etc. without constantly having to take time off.

I too wonder about what I will do when he is gone, and I know that I will be relieved because he always was a difficult person to live with and he never has had any social life because he alienates people with his narcissistic, negative behavior. I was never really able to get my own life off of the ground due to what I believe was severe, undiagnosed endometriosis and I still suffer from adhesions that aren't going anywhere. So that will always be a bit of an obstacle when it comes to going back to work or any regular activities. I also was never able to have any romantic life because my symptoms were so painful and debilitating for decades. So I am also single with no children.

I do know that there will be a lot of work to be done as far as cleaning out the house. I would like to be working on it now but my father and late mother have always been pack rats and anytime I mention getting rid of something he argues about it. But I too am wondering what I will do when that time comes, even though I am eager for it to get here because I am not getting any younger!

I would do talk therapy and Grief Share; I did this abt 10 years ago when my mother passed. It worked wonders; I also landed my first apartment not long afterwards. I had a nice garden apartment where I lived with two female cats; I now have another apartment with a black and white male tux cat, and I'm on one of the better corners of my new town.

I think it is a great idea to use the free Hospice counseling available to you. After my mom died, my dad was so depressed that we were worried about him. We had been told that the counseling was available to the family for up to a year, so we called the counselor and she even came out to the house to meet with my dad. It was wonderful to have that available. Please call and do it. Talking it through with a counselor can work wonders, and best of all, they come to you and it's free!

timely, this topic.
mom had a stroke, and is now journeying through her final decline with hospice, seemingly in comfort. i am an atheist, but my sadness for losing her is compelling me to hope she is receiving others' prayers and that they are giving her the most joyful, funny, wonderful moments from the movie of her life.

It takes time to adjust to the 'new normal' - make a list of new places you would like to move to then visit them - why stay where you don't like living - assuming you'll live at least another 15 years [based on your mom just passing] then make the most of them - your next move is to help yourself establish where you want to be for the next few years or rest of your life - embrase this challenge as that alone will help

Relief is normal in your case - not feeling relief would be the abnormal - the relief is 2 fold 1 for her & 1 for you - hers is gone along with her pain but yours is trying to fill those hours in a day that were care giving hours which added up more than you might have realized - use that time productively & think of it as your mom's final gift to you so that you shouldn't feel guilty about having a nice time or down right fun

Oh hon, you have not only lost your mother, you have lost your job. No wonder you feel adrift. Take the advice given above and take good care of yourself. Eat well, try to get enough sleep, get outside when you can and enjoy nature, if it is too cold, join a gym or walk in the closest mall for an hour or so every day. All of us are here for you also. If you can't shake your feelings in a little while, get some help through counseling.

I can sympathize with you. I took care of my husband for 4 years I felt I was going to have a nervous breakdown watching him deteriorate day by day. We had to do everything doctors, ER, 911 for falls and do everything around the house. His pacemaker failed just before he was to have a new one and I felt guilty I did not fight to have it done earlier but then I thought what would happen. He would go back to his room, no quality of life and was I ready to start caregiving again. But I now feel the same way. Aside from fighting with insurance company, SS and his pension, what do I do now? Will I have enough money to live on, am I too old to get a job? I too am going to go to grief group where I went when my mom died. So right now I go to Barnes and Noble and read my books, go to the movies and walk and talk to my dogs. It would be great to have some friends to have fun with. So take it a day at a time, you will find your way.