I put my dad in respite so I could get better, and he died within 36 hrs. What happened? - AgingCare.com

I put my dad in respite so I could get better, and he died within 36 hrs. What happened?

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I've been taking care of my dad at my home for the last 3 months. I also have been going down every day for 4 yrs to his AL and taking him out for day trips. He broke the ball off his femur in the beginning of Sept and then he jumped out of his window at his Rehab in Oct. No AL or MC in town would take him because of this terrible stage of LBD, so I took him home w/ me til I could get his symptoms under control. He has very severe Lewy Body Dementia and multiple bad things going on inside his body. It was very very hard to take care of him. I put him on hospice in Nov and tried to carry on at home. He was always falling. 5 to 6 times a day. I couldn't keep him in his wheelchair or his bed. It was a nightmare. Plus he was always grabbing me when he fell. On Monday, MLK Day, he pulled me down so badly, I think I herniated my side. I called the social worker and they said they would put him in respite on Tuesday for 5 days while I got back on my feet. I took his meds over and asked them not to give him anything too strong as it really affected him so badly. Like Gabapentin really took him down. They gave him Seroquel and Valium to relax him and to treat his symptoms they said. I got a call from them in 36 hrs and said he had passed. What happened? I went over on Thursday to see him and he was resting comfortably and then they called me later that day and said he had passed. What happened so fast? I feel guilty because I know he was scared to be left in a strange place w/ no one he knew. I was so beat up though, I needed to get some rest. In fact, the nurses at the hospice house told me to stay away for a few days to get the rest I needed. But what happened? I can't believe it! He was here and now he's gone ~ I feel like I let him down. Weird stuff!!

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I'msotired,
I've seen this before in my nursing career. A patient will "wait" to pass away when the family ISN'T there.
My dad did this. I had been with him 24/7 in the hospital, trying to sleep on a fold-away "torture" bed. Every day was the same, he seemed to be stable. The ONLY night I stayed at my girlfriend's house, the hospital called me at 4:30 am and said he didn't have long. I got there a few minutes after he died.

WHY couldn't he have "hung on" until I got there? Because I believe the dying want to "spare" us the difficulty of watching them die. I really believe this. It happened with my ex-husbands grandmother too. Many patients of mine have died when their family leaves. Maybe it's a "personal" thing. Death is easier done alone.

I believe the Good Lord has our date and time already planned, but I think we have some "wiggle room" in exactly when. I think your dads' time had come and he was making his exit alone to spare you the grief. It's just my theory. Thankfully he is no longer suffering horribly. I am sorry for your loss but happy that your father is content and at peace.
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tired - my condolences on the loss of your dad, I agree with Sue. Some wait to pass for certain reasons. When my ex was very ill, our dd arranged to fly to see him. No one had any idea he was near the end. I was with dgs at a movie and my cell vibrated. I went out in the lobby and it was dd saying she had a call from her step mum that her dad had just passed. She was half way there. She decided to come back home as there was good support there for her step mum, nothing she could do, and there would be a service in our area later. So she caught another plane back. She was upset naturally, and wondered why he hadn't hung on until she got there. I told her I thought he wanted to spare her seeing him as he was, (he had alz but died from stomach cancer) and going through the dying process. It comforted her, and I believe it was true.

Please take comfort that you cared well for your dad, you loved one another and he is not suffering any more
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all your endearing condolences, sweet AgingCare community! I have been coming here almost daily for over 3yrs to read and commiserate w/ all who are going thru the same things as I have.

I know I have been here that long because when I reread some of the old threads for answers and comfort I go to click the thumbs up icon and find it won't register as I've clicked on it YRS AGO!

Now one reason I am feeling SOOOOOOO guilty because I left one thing out.

After I left my sleeping dad on Thursday morning I stopped at the grocery store and got some of his favorite snack for him ~ Chocolate milk, Milky Way, a bag of those awful orange spongy Circus Peanuts that gross me out.

I noticed La Mesa was just opening up for lunch in the strip mall . I thought I'm gonna grab a chimichanga to take home for lunch and then head back to the hospice house. When I pulled up right in front, I noticed my phone was just about ready to die so I plugged it in and left it on the console w the car running. I'd only be a minute.

I sat at the bar, ordered my lunch, Juan put a basket of free chips and salsa in front of me and I placed my order. He came back and said Frozen Margaritas were on special that day ~ Long story longer ~ I ordered one!! I haven't had a drink since Sept when my dad broke his leg and pelvis!

Now don't get me wrong~ I am not a drinker. But it felt so good to have someone else, besides me, caring for dad. For just a few hrs it felt so good not to be so wound tight trying to live his life and my fife on constant alert!

When I got back to the car, I had missed 2 calls from the hospice house. I didn't think much of it, like maybe my dad wanted his slippers or his sleeping cap. I called right away and they said "Your dad has passed." WHAT?!?

Now my question is, dear readers ~ Do you think when his soul shot by on his way up to see St Peter, he looked down and saw me having a big fat juicy sweet blended Strawberry Margarita at La Mesa and taking a deep breathe to have just a few minutes w/o constant angst? YIKES!

Love all of you here! Still will come everyday to read up on you ~ In fact over the Fall, I sat in the bathtub one night when my dad had FINALLY settled in and read Being Mortal. Good book but you all on this site are so much more down to earth and informative. In fact, I thought AC should pick out some of the best threads and answers and publish a few pamphlets on the different subjects!

Thank you all again ~ For years of strong guidance, information and inspiration! Love to all.
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I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I don't have an answer for you, but please, please don't blame yourself or second guess your choices. You did what you thought was best for you and for your dad. Your dad was on hospice, so he was coming to the end of his life. It sounds like he didn't have much quality of life because of his many medical issues. I am so sorry it happened the way it did for you both. But you did right by your dad and you were a loving adult child. You did NOT let him down. {{{Hugs}}}
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Imsotired, i am so sorry for your loss. It would be hard the way it happened. It is natural to second guess yourself. Dad did not pass because he was in respite. It would have happened in any case. You cared for him for so long and he is very proud of you for doing so. We all get tired and he understands that. Take it easy on yourself.
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Dear Imsotired1,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know its really hard right now. Please know you did everything you could and more for your beloved dad. I know its easier said than done but try and be kind to yourself. I, too, wanted to be there for my dad, but he passed two hours after I left his side. The doctor had told us he had 6 months. It's a terrible shock. Thinking of you.
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So sorry for your loss but please don't feel responsible for dad's passing - he was on hospice - and you were clearly at a breaking point - find some way to comfort yourself to ease the grief
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Imsotired, I am so very sorry for your loss. I truly understand. My dad just passed, with PD & dementia, right after Xmas while in hospice, and it was a shock for me too. I did see that he was declining, but was surprised that he qualified for hospice and thought initially that he would stay on it for a long time, possibly gain weight & 'graduate.' At the end, they thought he had a week, but it was less then 24 hours. I truly believe they did the best they could, tho, with his care and in their prognosis. It's been very, very hard, and I think it will be for a long time, but I think it was just his time to be called home. My best to you and your family. I really am so very sorry and I do understand. Message me if you want to talk. I keep coming back here bc I don't know what else to do.
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I'm not quick to jump on signs and omens.

But this time, I would go one step further. I think your Dad wanted to buy you a drink. Doesn't this tell us something about how aware he was, buried deep inside him, of how much you loved him and all that you did for him? What a lovely man. L'chaim!

Take care of yourself, you must be reeling.
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If he saw you sipping the margarita I'll bet his old self, his true self, called out "Cheers!" as he went by.
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