Me and my husband have totally given up our lives to care for my parents. In May of last year we basically moved in with my sister and parents. My parents house is a disaster, it has not been taken care of at all. They have no money except SS. My mom has stage 4 lung cancer and recently broke her hip. Dad has Alz and mobility issues. 8 people are living in my sister's home. We have a private caregiver that comes every day for 5 hours, but its not enough when they both need 24/7 care. We have decided that mom needs to go to a facility for her rehab (hospital discharged her to home - that is a mess all its own). My sister's home is not conducive to mom's recovery. I have told both parents she needs to be in a rehab facility. I got no push back from that. I am dreading telling them we are placing them in a NH. Need help to find my peace.
factually........ "we are just no longer able to give you the care you deserve - we're helping you to a place where you will be cared for"
with assurances "we're in this together and we'll be with you there also, we'll visit you and be there to advocate for you"
don't expect joy - anger, crying, manipulation, despair will be normal - be consistent - firm, kind, and assuring - let them vent their emotions. it will be hard.
Often the nursing home will have a social worker who can help you and your loved one make the transition - they know what they are doing - seek them out
and good luck!!!
So: your parents, and you and your husband, moved into your sister's house where there were already four people living? Your sister, BIL and a couple of children, is that? (sorry if I'm stereotyping, just a guess).
You are dreading telling your mother and trying to explain to your father that they need to move into a fully-staffed, fully-equipped facility.
I completely sympathise with the dread. But what possible choice do you have? You, your husband and your sister cannot possibly provide the range or the level of care your individual parents need.
What I'd suggest is that you ask the NH manager for help with proposing the new care plan. Do you have a place set up? The thing is, normally before a person can be admitted to any sort of facility or nursing home, there has to be an assessment; and that is also a good opportunity for someone senior from the NH to make the introductions and explain what is going to happen and how it works. These people are experienced, and they understand what families are going through. How would you feel about leaning on them for help?
I have to ask: has anyone raised the subject of hospice with you regarding your mother?
Hospice was brought up a few months ago. I was not ready, she was doing so well and I had not reached the point I am at now. She has been home for a week and I am so exhausted and so is my sister. We all realize at this point we physically can not take care of them any longer.
Yes, good idea of placing Mom in a rehab facility so she can get stronger. Then to move Mom to a nursing home. That is usually how many of us solve the problem of getting an elder into a senior facility. That is how my Mom got into one, 911, hospital, rehab, long-term-care. Prior to that, she refused any type of help, saying my Dad was there to help her... both were in their 90's and both were fall risks.
Have you looked into any specific places yet? How's the financial picture? The parent's home may need to be sold to fund their care. After that is spent Medicaid can take over. OR if you don't want to sell the house you can look into Medicaid now.