She doesn’t know yet because this just happened today. She’s been in rehab before after a fall and was not pleasant. She’s a diabetic who smokes like a chimney and is also DEAF, but won’t wear her hearing aids. She’s incontinent and not always just urine. She is back in her house after living for 7 yrs with my sister and destroying her health and their relationship before she died. She’s been back in her house for 2 yrs because neither one of the remaining children want her living with us. She thinks she’s independent but my husband and I do everything for her. E V E R Y T H I N G. My brother won’t help at all because “he works 40 hrs a week”. My husband spends more hours on her yard and house repairs per week than that. We are both just ground down. We’re retired and these are not our golden years at all. But, I told my dad on his death bed that we (the 4 kids) would take care of her and I feel guilty even considering putting her in a home. Having said that, she is an energy vampire and I have been backing away from her for years because she’s selfish, hateful and ungrateful. How do I get past this? My husband and I agree we just can’t go on. 🥺
You are not responsible for her health or her age, or the fact that she chooses to smoke and ignore her health. You are responsible, however, for your OWN health and to avoid dropping dead yourselves from stress and leaving your children orphans. That is your first duty; to your children and to yourselves and to the lives God gave you. Mom had her life and is now in need of more care than you're capable of giving her.
When I had to move my folks out to my state in 2011 after dad had to stop driving, I made it clear upfront that I would NOT be doing any hands on caregiving for them, and that they would not be moving into my home. Living together once was more than enough. I loved them both, and wanted to maintain that relationship intact, knowing that living together would destroy it. So first I had them living in Independent Living, then Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip, and then Memory Care for mom after her dementia progressed and AL could no longer handle her (dad had died by then). They both did great in AL and I will tell you to this day that mom's life was extended to 95 precisely BECAUSE of the great care and attention she got in AL. I was able to be the daughter instead of the burned out caregiver, and it worked out just fine. Mom passed in Feb of dementia and congestive heart failure, and the staff tribute to her was amazing. She had great care there and I have no guilt over her placement there whatsoever. What for, exactly?
Wishing you the best of luck doing what's right for mom AND for you and your husband & kids. It's time.
”…..”putting her in a ‘home’” MAY be the best and kindest thing you’ll ever be able to do for her.
Hopefully you have POA, or whoever DOES have it will be willing to consider “alternative care”.
Assuming that you and your husband still love each other, place that relationship FIRST. It’s the one you both CHOSE- the indenture certificate didn’t arrive in the mail the day you were born.
GUILT IS ALWAYS SELF INFLICTED. You MUST address it, with counseling preferably, and find the very best place SHE (not you) can afford and SAVE YOUR LIFE.
That’s what you deserve. Hearty hopes that you are willing to be good to yourself, STARTING TODAY!
Is Mom in rehab now or going to one. Make sure she gets Rehab. Tell the SW she needs to go to get her strength and have independence because u can't care for an invalid. While she is invrehab, have her evaluated for 24/7. Tell the staff member doing the evaluation that you and DH do everything for her. That she is not as independent as she may say. If its found she needs 24/7 care, then tell them when Rehab is done she needs to be transferred to LTC. Where I live Rehab and LTC are in the same building so an easy transfer.
My brother & I are taking care of 2, one in AL and the other in MC, they are both safe, well fed and basically happy, making new friends and enjoying activities.
Place him, and start enjoying your retirement, you have done your share.
In my opinion, it's the commenters who are at fault if they see such conditions and LEAVE their loved one IN such a place! Hello? Take them out of there and find a better location for them. My folks lived in wonderful ALs and mom's MC was lovely, with excellent staff.
If the answer to that is NO then you are not doing what you "promised" your dad.
Will she get the care she needs in a facility with trained staff 24/7 to care for her?
If the answer to that is YES then you would be doing what you "promised" your dad.
"I’m 70 yrs old with rheumatoid arthritis and rheumatoid lung disease, both of which affect my energy level. My mother is almost 92 and totally mine and my husband’s responsibility, even though my brother (54) and his wife live next door. It has been 2 yrs and it has just ground us down and damaged our marriage.":
I think there is no question that you are both done and should feel no guilt at all for transitioning her into a good care facility *that she pays for*. If she cannot afford it, then consult with a Medicaid Planner (it's worth the fee that your MOM should pay) to make sure you know what it will take for her to qualify. In most states Medicaid only pays for LTC but sounds like your mom may be ready for this. Talk to her doctor to see if she is assessed for it.
If no one is her DPoA, this will cause a bump in the road, in such that then the county will need to become her guardian if your mom refuses to assign you as DPoA (and again, the attorney's fee to create the document is well worth it and she needs to pay it). If she doesn't cooperate, then do not go get her from rehab and tell them she's an unsafe discharge (and tell them your health problems). Even if they promise to provide help, they won't, so do not believe this they just want to discharge her. Don't sign for anything yourself, do not take on any of her financial responsibilities.
It's a golden opportunity for her to go from rehab directly into a facility. You can make appointments prior to her discharge date to tour them and make sure to ask if they accept Medicaid because some do not. Even if you don't think she'll need Medicaid you can never know this for certain.
You can tell your mom they extended her rehab but she needs to go to a new place, or whatever "therapeutic fib" will work to gain her cooperation and transition her directly into her permanent residence. Pick your battles wisely. I wish you much success in improving your life, health, happiness and marriage. You've definitely earned it!!
"But I told my dad on his death bed that we(the 4kids) would take care of her and I feel guilty even considering putting her in a home".
It is certainly understandable to make emotional promises at such an emotional time.
I would say to pull this apart.
Then re-write it.
"..take care of her"
Ensuring she lives in a safe & supportive location IS looking after her.
Btw your promise did not state take care of her by using your own (& DH's) hands for every physical task. Even if you did, that would need a re-write as not practical/possible.
"I feel guilty..".
Re-write: I feel sad. Or I feel grief (over Mom's loss of independence).
".. putting her in a home".
Re-write: providing her a home. A home with care staff to provide her care needs, other people to meet her social needs, management, maintenance, cleaning.
I'll ask some questions too;
Did you cause her to grow old? Can you take old age away?
Would either of these Dear (Dead) Daddies want their daughters to be in the state they are now? I think not. Why did these DDDs make only ONE child make this kind of promise?
Please honor and prioritize your OWN lives. Please. Both of these mothers need to be in facilities.
Maybe you too can consider (like me) how your dad - in his heart of hearts - would NOT want you to get sick or die as a result of caring for her. I feel your anxiety and know it’s not an easy decision or task. But you are not guilty - she has had lots of time living home while you and your husband have held things together. Something to consider…If your health fails because you wear out over this, she’ll have to move but at that point you may not even be able to spend time visiting her. Sobering thought, but it happens more often than people realize. I hope you can find ways to feel peaceful about your decision.
Bring the gum or patches to the rehab so that you are not dealing with tobacco withdrawal craziness in conversations later.