Help!! And now that I’m here all day every day. She’s declining cognitively. I take her to PT 3 x a week! She is too scared to let go of the Walker after the falls. I went and grabbed my CNA Certification and wow!! I am unable to work with her like this. But she owns her home and isnt leaving. She is mentally stable just can’t bathe , dress, cook, launder, housework, drive to 20 appointments a week! And so forth. But I can’t imagine me NOT doing this. Well I’m going down financially FAST. And so we find out Medicare advantage will not even pay me at all? I can’t afford this. Neither can anyone! But I thought caregivers get paid and family was encouraged? I would have kept my home and job and drove here daily?! What is it they want ? Begging? It was 600$ for my CNA class . Still thought it was going to help but this job is the hardest job I’ve ever had in my entire life. I’m losing it emotionally, there’s a struggle every day because she says “ no” to everything but a Nurse or HHA SHE JUMPS to do their instructions! Help! I’m not going to make it I feel!
You jumped the gun and rushed to give up your home and job to help her w/o even knowing if you'd be paid! Your mother can pay you or you can leave her to her own devices and wait until a crisis forces her into managed care like Assisted Living. She sells her house to finance the costs.
Cognitively impaired elders with tons of issues no longer get to call the shots. And you shouldn't be single handedly trying to care for her at your own expense. It's not sustainable or logical, as you're finding out.
Good luck to you.
Make a plan to become independent again - your own home, your own job and rebuild your life.
Meanwhile as others have said, call APS and inform them and your mother that you are not doing this anymore and will be leaving (even to a shelter if necessary) on such and such a date.
Also inform all those who care for her, who she has appointments with (20 a week???) that you will be leaving on your chosen date.
Your mother is mentally capable and can arrange for her own care.
The most important thing here is that you need to look after yourself.
Wishing you all the best in this difficult situation.
You made a giant mistake when you put your life on hold to do this. You now have no income, you are not paying into YOUR retirement and you are losing your savings which is necessary to have for YOUR rainy days.
Let your mother fail. LET HER FAIL.
YOU are not the solution to her overwhelming problems.
It takes 3 adults to care for one adult so where are the other two people?
As long as you are the solution, there will be no other solution.
You are the only one who can fix your mistakes.
If you have a stroke or heart attack from this stress, she will have to either hire caregivers or go into a home anyway,
You need to contact APS and tell them that you cannot remain in this position and support yourself. Let them know your mother refuses placement into the care she requires and you cannot stay with her.
Start with speaking with the nurses and HHA you mention. Let them know the date you are leaving if this is her home and you are moved into it. Working 24/7 with someone who likely has dementia which will get exponentially WORSE as time goes on isn't possible for one person whether paid of not.
Once again, we aren't given adequate information to make many suggestions here. We don't even know if you have moved in with your mother into her home or if you are living in your OWN home and have moved her into it. I hope it is the former. Because will will need to give notice you are leaving and that you do not want POA or Guardianship over someone thusly uncooperative, not are you qualified to do it.
At some point--and this is pretty much the fifth question to day I have said this in one way or another--it is "Sorry. No can do!" Because quite honestly there isn't anything you can do here but kill yourself. And when it is over you will be on your own, homeless and with no job history. That will be, for all your trouble, an ending of living in a shelter until you can get a job. The good news is that no CNA works 24/7 for zero pay.
It's Open Enrollment right now. Drop her Advantage plan and find her a supplement or gap plan. Contact a broker if you have to. Those plans will cover more of her medical costs (but it still won't pay for custodial facility care like AL or MC). It will pay for more of her medical expenses.
Try to get her to assign you as her PoA. If she doesn't assign someone she runs the risk of becoming the ward of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian and then you are out of her management and decision-making picture. Hopefully this will motivate her.
What is going on now is not only not sustainable but will become increasingly more draining as she declines. You need to start by finding another job and then moving out at the earliest possible opportunity. Then you have a reason why you can't be there to help all the time. Your being in her home gives the illusion of 24/7 on-call service. Your Mom needs to see and feel the need to hire outside helpers to replace you. It will be rocky at first, but expect this and know that you are working towards a more permanent solution.
I wish you success in reclaiming your life!
Family IS encouraged, but they rarely get paid (sometimes short hours and base rates of pay). It is more economic for the tax payer to provide care in a facility where workers can be shared. One-on-one is very very expensive.
There is no reason you should go broke or lose it emotionally just because your mother is stubborn and insists on saying no to you. Whatever dynamic there is, realize that she will get better care from people other than you. That is NOT your fault, it's on her. But it means that you walking away and reclaiming your life in peace will not harm her, it will make things better for both of you. So go with a clear conscience. You've been very generous with her. Let us know how things go.
She is declining cognitively and that will only get worse. Should you last that long, when she needs professional care, you have the power to sell her house and use the money to place her in a facility, which you should have done in the first place. Unfortunately, you may not be able to return to your former line of work if you’re too long out of your field taking care of mom.
I wish you luck! Mistakes made = lessons learned. I’m sorry.