How do I tell my 37 year old that I need some "me" time too?

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My son lives next door with my sister, the sister that doesn't help me one bit with mom's care. He is 37 and should have a place of his own but that is another story. He wants to come over after a certain time of night and it irritates me so bad. I told him, when mom is down for the night, that is my time and should be since I have very little to myself. He continues to call after 8:00 p.m. and sometimes later wanting to come by and use my computer or to get something to eat or talk about his experiences of that day. I've asked my son to do things around the house, for instance, cut the backyard...still waiting on that one. He has worked as a CNA and knows how elderly people can be very needy and has stated that fact and how he can leave work and not have to deal with it but I deal with it 24/7. He knows this and makes a point of telling me that my job is hard. Then why don't he abide by my wishes and stop coming over the times I ask him not to. This is basically a daily thing with him. He doesn't help me with her so there's no usefulness with the situation, just stressing me out more. Every time it happens, I can feel my bp going up more and more. I just feel like screaming! Do I have to hurt someone's feeling to get my point across? These people don't seem to care about my feelings.

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I don't understand why these people don't respect caregiver burnout! They refuse to help when asked...I'd rather have a tooth pulled than to ask some of my family for help with mom. The answer is always the same...huh? what? or that stupid dumb facial expression as if you were speaking a foreign language.
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I dont answer the phone when its family! yep my space my time get lost! my sister will even text frantically and i ignore that too. she asked me why i do this i told her if mum dies youll be contacted if you have to ask why i do this then you dont get sh*t! have sent her numerous emails and links about carerburnout but it aint going in!
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Plan your Grocery shopping or other errands on Sunday afternoons when he is there.
Just grab your keys walk out the door and say I knwo you won't miond taking care of things while I quick run to get Mom's Meds refilled see ya later! and GO.
For the Son who always wants to come over during me time?
Plan a bath from 8-9 pm, lock the door and if he insists on knowing what you are doing tell him you are naked.
That ought to send him someplace else to use the computer.
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Tell him to get his own computer and to buy his own food. If he wants someone to talk to after 8 p.m., he can call a friend. Be firm. Stick to your guns and don't back down. He seems like the type who will test your resolve by pretending to have some kind of crisis that only you can help him with, and he MUST talk to you right away, even though it's late and you're tired.

It's lovely that a 37-year-old enjoys his mother's company, but he's taking advantage of your good nature.
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I think maybe I need to stay off here altogether. We all have had long lives of family issues that none of us know about....prefacing something with "i'm sorry:" here in the south is probably somewhat akin to our more popular "bless your heart...but..." I just don't equate refusing to get down on someone's level with being low in self esteem. to me it is the opposite...and he knows that when it comes to my being able to put him in his place I don't have a problem doing it....a lot of things are more important right now ..and for me that is trying to keep Mama as out of the fray as possible....
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Hope, I suspected you had low self esteem because from your posts it appeared as though you tolerated the rude and insulting behavior from your brother for quite some time, and apparently on a repeated basis, without putting him in his place.

The observation I made that you apologized for not feeling well was to me also an indication. No one needs to apologize for not feeling well.

I am sorry if I made an erroneous conclusion; it was not my intent to insult or hurt you. Far from it. I just wanted to let you see how your portrayal of your relationship with your brother was presenting itself.
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Oh noooooo I didn't say I was sorry to him...I blew his behind out of the water and told him not to ever set foot on our property again until he learned to respect me, that i had had all I was going to take off his lazy greedy behind...and the next time he did show up he brought my car (which he had had for over a year promising to bring it back to me).....that's the thing, when he does get ugly with me, with what I have had to deal with off him all these years, it brings it all out...and it is bad...which is why I don't like going there, because I hate that kind of behavior out of anyone...I allow him in my life because he is Mama's pride and joy and when he does not come to see her, SHE suffers, not me...This is a lifelong issue with him and way too involved to address here...but it is not good.... I do NOT have low self esteem...why does not wishing to show my a** on the level he gets equate to having low self esteem....to me it is the opposite....
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Hope22, you don't need to address this issue with your brother personally. I have the sense that he's a dominant person and doesn't respect you and the distance you need, just as Raisin's brother doesn't.

Both you and Raisin don't need to treat these people or with kid gloves. You need to develope enough self respect and self confidence to tell them once and then take whatever necessary action you need to to prevent them from doing it again.

Just don't answer the phone - it's that easy. Don't let them in. It's that simple.

I'm not trying to be critical but this might help provide some insight into why these situations fester.

Look at the way Hope describes the situation: Hope, you write that when you criticize him to his face, he becomes "ugly", he called you a "b*tch" (that would have been it for me!), then you say you're sorry. Wrong thing to say.

You acquiesced to him, acknowledging the validity of his accusation without coming right out and saying so. He gains more power over you when this happens.

Then he has the audacity to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself?!

It's more than a choice of what the consequences are - I do understand that there are a lot of issues which aren't worth the fighting, but self respect is not one of those issues.

Why do you even allow him in your life? Are the two of you living together? If so, find some other way to live. As long as you're living with him and allow him to dominate you, you're going to continue to suffer from low enough self esteem that he's going to continue to verbally abuse you.

Enough is enough; get some self help books or read about low self esteem and stop this bully from manipulating you.

There was one situation in which my brother and his self-absorbed daughter verbally assaulted me and engaged in menacing behavior. I called the police and asked that my brother and his daughter be removed from the house.

I'm not trying to be critical, insult you, or hurt you. I'm just trying to tell you that you don't have to tolerate this kind of behavior, from anyone.
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A day is going to come when he is going to have to look back at his actions or inactions, and may have to feel really ugly about his behavior...If he ever was the man my parents raised him to be, it is going to be a painful realization....he has sadly been married to two B*TCHES, who are into nothing but money, money, money and all about them and their families and to hell with ours.....the first one was and the second one is, rude, hostile, demanding, hot headed and have no problem showing their behinds in public to get what they want....he didn't get this way until he got married and because the same has happened to other friends of mine whose brothers married similar type women, I know that is something he has to deal with on a daily basis....his current wife never comes to see Mama, has not been to this house in over two years, doesn't come on holidays, didn't come to her 90th birthday party...I don't get it, I wouldn't put up with it off her...maybe in some way I feel sorry for HIM because I know he is miserable...and so he takes it out on me because he knows he can...up to a point...I do have my limit and I do reach it ...BUT when I do, as I said, the fallout I deal with is not worth the argument......family dynamics are a B ... I try to remind myself constantly that one day I will have nothing to feel guilty about....and he on the other hand, will have little to be proud of....he OUGHT to be ashamed...I know I am doing all I can....in all honesty he lives in a pretend world and he could benefit from therapy.....
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I have gotten good at just not answering the phone to be honest. it has lightened the phone calls somewhat. It is ridiculous as I think it is his way of thinking he is contributing by calling us...ridiculous...just aggravating as hell it is....as far as why I let him do some of the things he does....as with all of our situations, it is one of those things where openly addressing it in the past has led to such ugly heated arguments, as ANY criticism of him to his face brings out the ugly in him...even when I am very calm and even tempered...last time I tried in a very calm and soft voice as he was wanting to know why I was being such a b*tch...I told him look, I am sorry but I have a bad migraine headache today...his response to me??? "Do you ever stop and think maybe if you stopped feeling sorry for yourself life would be a lot better?" I don't even need to comment about what transpired after that...I am not sure it is so much letting someone do something to me or get away with something...it is a choice you have to make as to whether the consequences of directly dealing with it are worth the fallout...and for me, it's not worth it...trust me..the ugliness, the hate, the rude comments about me that I never forget...it's not worth it...
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