I need some advise, help. I've been caring for my husband since 1995. I am so burned out.


In 1995 my husband had heart surgery, then back surgery, then we moved to GA. for 5 years. During that time he had 2 strokes and another heart surgery, went into sleep seizures, and ended up bedridden for 7 months. I got him into a wheelchair finally by myself. No outside help because we made too much. Finally got him into walking with a walker.

Took all I had, nerves,weight and all I went down to 100 lbs. Got him back home to MD. His right hand is not working because of stroke. He has diabetes neuropathy. Has a hard time eating, dressing himself, etc. Can take shower and bathroom. Now trying to get him to do things. He wont leave apt at all only been out about 5 times. Been here for 2 years. He sits in recliner from 8:30 am to 8 pm. Only gets up to go to bathroom and to bed.

Never once went into the kitchen for anything. Even if I leave he will sit there until I get back. I am so burnt out. Not to sound selfish but I have got to have a life now. I have done all I possibly can. Don't know what to even do now. His family doesn't want anything to do with him nor do his older children. He burnt too many bridges down. I understand but I feel like I am now paying for his mistakes he has made in his life as well. I have been through enough so please be kind.

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Marcy, rewrite any Questions you have, right here on this thread! You may need to review your story here, but you will end up with more responses that way. I am sorry for your plight. Read the responses, and answer any questions, that will help the folks here to better understand what you are doing, and intend to do. Based on the answers.

Do you two make enough money to separate your assets, and desolve your marriage at this time? Can you sell your home, and divide assets? Are you considering this? Hubby may need to go into a group home, and you start out alone elsewhere. Is hubby depressed, suffering PTSD? Is your husband a Veteran, if so, there is help available there too. It isn't fair that you are held hostage, and unable to participate in life, especially since he doesn't seem to be trying! If he can get to the bathroom and the bedroom, he can certainly pour a bowl of cereal, or make a simple sandwich. It doesn't sound like you've challenged him, and are perhaps enabling him to some degree, but I do understand that he is challenged by his disabilities.

He's "burned his bridges" with his children, but what about you? Is he disrespectful, or abusive towards you? If so, you do not need to take it! Believe me, I fully understand the commitment of marriage, but you do need to look out for yourself as well, and Caregivers Burnout is Real! As others have mentioned, contact you local AREA ON AGING. GOOGLE IT, or look it up in the phone book under Social (Senior) Services. They can help direct you to services available to you and youur husband.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to staceyb

This is Marcy50 once again. Please look me up need advice,
Last night I sent in a lengthy letter in need help and some advice please.. Look me up.
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Reply to marcy50

A doctor would have to evaluate him for palliative or hospice care. A DNR is the instruction as to what treatment he may want should there be a medical event. Not about stopping medications.
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Reply to gladimhere

This may be hard to hear but have you considered Do Not Resuscitate? Meaning letting him go with no more medical care...just a natural passing?
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Reply to Catwinter

You need a break. Maybe a permanent one? Have you looked into assisted living or maybe even a nursing home for him? Have you contacted the Area Agency on Aging, Social Services, for information and a needs assessment? Contact an elder law attorney for guidance on how to place him without impoverishing yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere

Wow, Marcy. I am so sorry. I hope others have some insights for you.

Do you love him? Do you want to continue with the marriage? Just putting it out there.

Again, so sorry about this situation.
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Reply to SnoopyLove