In November 2019 after my dad passed, my mom, along with my husband and I, had a teleconference with mom’s financial advisor (not her attorney). It was stated that I would be POA. Mom had also updated her will. Now mom is in a physical decline and has been admitted into skilled care at a nursing facility (the 20-day Medicare). Her toes are black ( dry gangrene) and the doctors felt leaving it alone and permitting the body to self-amputate would be the best option. Mom also has showing signs of memory loss and it has been increasing. We are praying that after the 20 days mom can be admitted into assisted living.
Let me throw in here that mom lives 10-1/2 hours away; has been self- centered all her life, and is extremely difficult to deal with on a good day.
I called mom’s attorney to ask about getting some sort of documentation for my POA. He told me I was not POA which stunned me. And due to attorney-client privilege told me he could not tell me who it was. We talked to mom. She threw out my husband’s name. We called the attorney and my husband was told even if he was, the attorney could not tell him. My husband attempted to get the attorney to understand our situation and then interrupted my husband’s sentence and hung up on him!
To further muddy the waters, my mom had formed a close attachment to her neighbors. I appreciated everything they did to help mom as mom has no family or friends left to assist her. My husband and I were planning to take the trip to see mom and try to talk to doctors concerning her care. I thought I would go to my mom’s home, go through the refrigerator to check for old food, and pick up any extra magazines or trash and place the bags at the curb. I texted this neighbor to thank her for her help, and merely asked how many trash bags were permitted? Honestly, my thought was I didn’t want to put out four bags if mom’s limit was two.
The neighbor (who prior to this was communicative with me) never responded to my text. Three hours later my mom called, angrily asking me what was the family planning, asking about “heavy-weight” bags (a term I never used). So the neighbor told mom about the trash bag question. I have no idea whose idea it was to place the idea in anyone’s head that I would inappropriately clean out mom’s house! I told mom this neighbor was dangerous! She defended her actions, saying she is a good friend like family. I was angry and did lose my temper. Ordinarily mom would have been furious with me. She doesn’t seem to even remember this.
Any opinions are invited and appreciated. We will be talking to nursing home personnel soon to discuss hopefully getting mom whatever physical and mental services she requires. What type of legal options will I have? I do have permission to sign mom’s checks to take care of bills. When I mentioned to mom I could go through the mail and pull out the bills, the same day mom told me the neighbor was bringing over her mail and her checkbook to her at the nursing home. I didn’t say a word.
You can’t make this stuff up!
Of concern now is that your Mother may not any longer have the capacity to choose, nor the inclination, you as her POA. This means you will be powerless to act in her behalf anywhere, including getting any information in an MD office about Mom's current diagnosis.
This may be a case that needs to go to your seeking guardianship, but if Mom objects then it is very unlikely a judge will give you guardianship until Mom is very demented indeed. Judges are loathe to take the rights of decision making from a senior and to give it to anyone else.
At this point there is a lot of water under the bridge and I honestly cannot imagine how you can proceed. It is possible that the neighbor is taking advantage of Mom and it is possible that the neighbor is attempting to help, but with Mom not fully cognizant, who can know.
I really don't know how to advise you, but if you have no POA then it is not going to happen that Mom is put into care unless that is what she wishes to happen.
I would see an Elder Law Attorney were I you, just to get a basic understanding of what all these documents mean, and under what circumstances they can be done. Sure do wish you good luck.
I would think the lawyer COULD tell you who is POA-- yet usually the person themselves ASKS if someone would act as POA. It's a PITA to be one, in many cases.
A quick visit with an elder care atty where you live wouldn't be a bad idea. Then going to visit mom and seeing things as they are.
If your mom is starting to have gangrene--well, she's not long for the world. You need clarity before she gets a lot worse. And she will. You know the POA ends at death, right? Often, tho not always, the POA is also the executor--so maybe you are off the hook.
Check into the neighbor situation. Mom may have named them as POAs and/or executor. If you WANT to protest this, you'd need to be there to do so.
I see no problem in the lawyer telling a son if he is POA or not. And who really is. Especially, in this situation. I really don't understand the secrecy.
Medicare allows more than 20 days in rehab. 20days is only the time they pay 100%. 21 to 100 they pay 50% with a suppliment maybe paying the balance or the patient.
The reality in this situation is that an AL may not be enough for Mom. They are not skilled nursing. Mom may need skilled nursing. She already has signs of gangrene and I am surprised they don't amputate. Gangrene will spread. Seems she may no longer be able to take her meds correctly. I would have her evaluated for 24/7 care.
I may also talk to the Social Worker at the facility. Explain the problem you are having with Moms lawyer. Maybe the SW can make a call to the lawyer explaining Moms situation and that POA may be needed. So it would be nice if her son knew if it was him. If not, then the facility needs to know who in case Mom shows signs of not being competent to make her own decisions.
Commenters are implying that your mom is probably competent. Really? I don't think so. She allowed her toes to become gangrenous and turn black. Does she have uncontrolled diabetes? If this were my mom I would plan to travel to visit her (and preferably stay in her house), just daughter and mother, and stay for at least a week. This will give you a better idea of what's really going on and if she's able to really care for herself and if she's handing her ADLs. She may be telling the neighbors something about you and your husband that she doesn't like. So of course the neighbors side with her, if they aren't realizing that your mom may be at the beginning of decline.
A long stay during business days will allow her and you to possibly get an actual PoA created by an elder law attorney, and take her to medical appointments, having her also designate you as her medical representative. And you can maybe have other important discussions with her, being careful to not overwhelm her with an appearance of taking control of her life. No one would like that. But it is important that all her important and sensitive papers be found and put in a locking fireproof file, and just get an understanding who can legally help her with her finances and medical issues.
If you do get the chance to go there, be sure to get to know a close and trustworthy neighbor who can be your eyes and ears for your mom since you are so far away. Get your mom to keep a secret key hidden outside her house in case of an emergency so that the EMTs can get inside quickly should she need it (and make you her emergency contact). I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart, even if your mom does not cooperate.
The person(s) I have assigned as my POAs did not have to sign and I just completed mine last year so it was recent, in fact it wasn't even necessary for me to ask their permission first (although of course I did).
And there are criteria detailed in most springing POAs that must be followed in order to prove incompetence, it can't just be because you think so.
This would be if you feel that you should have Guardianship.
This might also depend on who mom has appointed POA. (If it was the neighbor there may have been undue influence, but maybe not, they may be very well intentioned neighbors and would be fine POA's)
At this point if mom is competent you have nothing to worry about.
If you do have access to her bank account and statements you might want to monitor them. This would be to be sure that mom is writing the checks that need to be written and there are no checks that are suspicious.
I'm not sure how you have permission to sign mom's cheques, are you a joint owner of the account? Since you know you are not POA I would be careful with this.
Step back. Mom wants to handle her own business, her way. Let her. Support her efforts for recuperation.