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Controlling and out of control bladder is not in our control, if you see what I mean. Continence is our earlier memory and training. No one is incontinent unless they simply cannot control their bladder. Time for a workup with a urologist. There may be an answer to this. There are medications that help with bladder control also.
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How old is your mother? I would take her to a urologist The doctor might prescribe an antispasmodic for your mother. Spasms are very painful especially for the elderly. It seems your mother has no control over the spasms. Tests might need to be done to determine the cause.
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You are not going to get Mom to understand. Her reasoning and processing abilities are probably nonexistent. Depending how far Mom is into her journey, she may not be able to "hold" it anylonger. The brain no longer is in control. Sorry, its probably a losing battle. If she is not using Depends, time to start using them.
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Spasms make you feel like you have to pee, half the time you don't, but would bet money you have a full bladder, then you think you could not possibly hold that much fluid. It is miserable.
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What? You can't stop bladder spasms by controlling your bladder.

She needs to be seen by a urologist and ask if they have any medications that can help her.

You say she has dementia, so you are only causing unneeded problems by trying to tell her anything, her brain is broken and she doesn't have the capacity to learn new ideas, heck, she obviously is struggling with one of the 1st things she learned, not going to the toilet in your pants.

She may be beyond home care and need a village to meet her ever increasing needs.
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