Dear people, hope u all are well. My boyfriend’s mum is 69, obese 3-4 years in bed (after knee and elbow surgeries). She gets 4x day care from care companies. My boyfriend cooks for her gives her food, does shopping washing and cleaning - basically everything except the hygiene. She also have 3 small dogs which he takes out. He lives with her. He also works very hard at his self employed jobs so he has the flexibility. She keeps ringing him all the time and demanding. In the beginning of our relationship we split up few times because of her but we do love each other. So hence I joined here to discuss with you as I would like help how to deal with the situations. He even does not like her very much - to me it looks like very codependent relationship as my boyfriend lost his dad who he was close to quite young then 4 years ago he list his wife at age 34. Please help me how to deal with this. He hasn’t told her yet we are back together . Because I lost patience few times before and split up but I am now determined to stick with him. As selfish as I sound and I admit it I believe she is very unkind demanding self centered woman - she is unkind to others and demands all the time ..the dogs should not be with her if she can’t look after them... ....please help me how to deal with this as I really love my boyfriend and really want to find a balance .. thank u x
What I see here is you need to find out what he wants. Does he feel trapped by Mom. Does he want a life of his own or does he feels he needs to do for Mom. This may be a lifelong thing between him and her and hard to cut those strings.
And is this the kind of relationship you really want. I would want a man who puts my feelings above that of his mother. Not meaning he can't do for Mom. But that he can set Boundries. This is what I can do for you Mom and this is when I can do it. Please don't call me while working. And he can say he won't be doing if she demands. If she can find sweets to eat while bedbound, then she can do for herself. Maybe if she got up and did, she would lose weight. 69 is not old. Her weight is keeping her from doing for herself. If she lost it, she may not have all her health problems. If she doesn't do something, she will pass from complications with her health. People with all her problems usually don't live long.
I think at this point, you deserve more than this man is able to give. You have children that are your first priority. He needs to make changes. He is not going to change Mom but he can tell her what he will and won't do. If you are willing to put up with the time he can give you, thats OK but I wouldn't be making any long term plans with him. If he cares enough, he will set Boundries with Mom.
Thoughts you may want to think about:
1) You have children in your home. A woman needs to be ever so careful when adding a relationship to your own nuclear family there.
2) If you marry this man, try picturing you being cared for by this man. You could even imagine 20 years from now, if something happens (God forbid), and you are the one bedridden.
3) You mention that you are believing in Jesus. What about your children, what about this man you love? Are you attending a church (before Covid) together, and is anyone else a believer?
Did the Lord bring this man into your life somehow?
4) Would you be able to go to your pastor for counseling?
thanks to Geaton reply!
I am believe mr in Jesus and He has changed me but I could not change myself .. but He only changed me when I chose and wanted to be changed . I guess he is very complacent with his situation.. like a denial. He did not want to talk about it but I did it in loving way X
it’s been on and off two years .. he is my first love since my husband left 7 years ago. I love him . He is an amazing man - not easy found ..
but you both are right I am trying to change them both . I have told him the truth today that I went onto forum and that I am struggling with the way things are. He sees me every other day for few hours, he never stays over night and before covid we didn’t even go away together.
I have told him that we should talk and find solution and to have a think about this.
i think his mum was very obese before she was bound to bed and I know he cooks her healthy food now but she gets other ways all the sweets and chocolates..
thank u both for such honesty
I knew if I come here si thing good will come out if it when I may not like the outcome and loose him but it’s better than living like this in this dysfunctional relationship:(
thank you X ps I would have liked to marry him but no children I have 3 who he likes they like him abd they are great kids and with me only week on and then week away with their dads . I also have a great business and I am very happy in all areas of my life - he is really good man but as hard as I have been trying it’s not working :( sorry blabbing on lol xx
You will figure it out. You sound rational and smart!
If I were in your situation, I'd write out a script to say to him (writing it out in advance helps to prevent saying unwise or hurtful things if the discussion becomes emotionally intense). I would tell him I love him but cannot see a healthy future together with him, as everything will orbit around his mother. Her health and needs and personality will get worse, not better, over time. The condition upon which I would return is that the mother is not living with him and she has full-time care by someone other than him. AFTER this occurs, I would be overjoyed to reunite with him and look forward to a future together. I would praise him for his devotion to helping her, but point out that it is actually preventing a better life for her. I would suggest he go to counseling for co-dependency and enabling behaviors. But please please don't move in with him or carry if he "promises" to change unless he makes a significant change (ie he moves out or she does). If after this conversation, he doesn't change anything (except to beg you not to leave him) he has shown you his priority, and it isn't you. So it will then be clear that you should move on and learn from it all.
Not sure how old you both are, but I cannot imagine having children in the current set-up. He will become stressed and bitter, and so would you. I wish you the wisdom and courage to do a difficult thing and peace in your heart if you must move on.
I believe in second chances. She is doing that but he is going to have to step up and prove that she isn’t wasting her time.
Thanks for pointing out that change is possible for some. I also believe in forgiveness. If we don’t forgive others we hurt ourselves. That being said, it is necessary to walk away from unhealthy relationships if a person is not willing to change.
His mom is NOT going to change.
This leaves you to either change what you expect or accept the situation as it is.
As far as the obesity you can blame some, not all of that on your boyfriend that cooks the food she eats and shops for the food she eats.
At her age is it possible that weight loss would enable her to be more mobile, get out of bed and be more active.
I know a lot of people that have knee surgery and they are not bedridden. A discussion with her doctor about PT. (I do hope pain killers are not part of this equation)
Also the fact that your boyfriend has not told his mother that you are back together says a lot.
I think you should cut your losses and move on UNLESS you want to accept things the way they are. And by accept do not go further into this thinking you can change him or change his mom.
And please do not get married or have a child until you are happy with the situation.
NeedHelpWithMom has been much kinder in her answer than I and if you do decide that you want this relationship to work then you need to carefully read her response.
I can’t tell you what to do. It’s not my place but you don’t seem happy with him being his mom’s caregiver. He may not be happy either but he seems to have made his choice.
Do you think that he would consider speaking to a therapist with you? Do you want to marry him? Or have a permanent relationship with him? If you do then you need a mediator. If he refuses to see someone to help him see things objectively then I think you may be happier finding another partner.
Best wishes to you.