I need help handling elder abuse that occurred in my presence.
My adult sister and her family live on my parent's property. I live with my parents part time to help provide care for emergent and ongoing health issues. I do everything except make dinners and drive them to appointments. This includes finances, cleaning, grocery shopping, medical, etc. Recently my Mom has eaten very little. Last night sister chewed out Mom for not eating. Yelled and threatened nursing home. I interrupted and sister yelled at me. Later elderly father, who witnessed everything, told me he would have put a stop to it years ago when he was stronger. He has had strokes. Last night he felt nervous and unable to help. Asked me to be in their bedroom in case sister returned. It was all yelling. Words. Nothing physical but CERTAINLY verbal abuse. If I report my sister there could be lots of retribution and more issues for my parents to deal with in their infirm state. But I need to do something. This is the only instance of verbal abuse towards them. But sister is also verbally abusive to her family. Yells demands. Help.
5 Answers
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I believe their vulnerability impacts their relative ability to “handle” the yelling.
I think no one realized how much this would impact you and your sister . It’s common for this to happen . It ends up more work than expected . Your sister happened to burn out before you . Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver either . Your aren’t going to change your sister . You said she yells at her own family as well . You need to focus on getting a new plan for care for your parents .
As far as recovery , they may have already peaked in that regard . And it sounds like Mom may actually be declining . I’ve seen fractured vertebrae be the catalyst to a more rapid decline in many elders.
As I said below . Changes need to be made .As many of us have done , I think you took on more than you all expected . Your parents either need to let hired help in or go to assisted living . Release your sister from caregiving , it’s not something she is capable of doing .
Why is Mom not eating? Is there Dementia involved? Just getting up there age wise? Me, I eat very little at 75. With Dementia people lose taste and smell so food is not that appetizing. Elderly can survivebon very little food.
Then I believe you just saw a "breakdown" mini style in someone who is overwhelmed.
Time for you and sis to get together over coffee and discuss.
I would start by telling her that your parents were frightened over her outburst. I would tell her that you were asked to stay in the room. I would tell her you fully understand she feels overwhelmed and you often do as well. I would tell her that forcing food doesn't work with elders any more than with toddlers and that nursing homes FOR SURE don't have time to do that, and that it's normal for elders to eat less, sleep more. I would tell her you fully understand having this break, but an apology would help mom and dad. And that at the point it is too overwhelming then, INDEED, it is time to discuss nursing home care.
And that is the truth. You are looking at something that is going to get more and more difficult. If you can't be "together and supportive" then the answer isn't in home care any longer.
Start out that way. If it makes things worse I would tell sis that you think it time to call in Adult Protective. That you may need counseling or help in making decisions for the future. But that you won't standby and see things become abusive due to overwhelmed anxiety on the part of either you or her or both of you.
Best of luck. This will take sympathy, empathy, understanding, and love. IF those aren't present this isn't sustainable.
Also how, exactly, was the nursing home threat worded? "If you don't eat, I'm going to put you in a nursing home" is quite different from, say "if you don't eat, you're going to end up in a nursing home".
Mom and Dad either hire some in home help , or they go to assisted living . That may or may not include selling their home depending on their finances , wishes etc .
That being said , sis needs to move on to her own home anyway , imo . She sounds burnt out .
You also sound like you are doing a lot . Your parents may not realize how much help they are getting from family . Perhaps if they did they would realize and make some changes . I think a sit down with all is needed to talk about hired caregivers or assisted living .
It was unkind, disrespectful and likely will not encourage mom to eat, but again - not really rising to the level of abuse.
Maybe you need to take your sister aside and ask her WHY she is so hell-bent on mom eating, that she is resorting to yelling and threats of a nursing home if mom doesn't eat? You can also tell your sister that you don't appreciate her yelling at you, and you will not tolerate it.
If this behavior is bothering your parents, and it is their home in which she and her family is residing, it seems to me that they "hold the cards" in this case - in other words, stop speaking to us in this disrespectful way, or find a new place to live. Would your parents be willing to do that?