Hi everyone. This is a bit unusual but I found your forum looking for resources for my mother. She's the best mom ever and is always giving to everyone. She's one of three siblings but the only one who really does much in terms of taking care of my grandmother. Ironically, my grandmother has always favored the other two and defends them for never showing up or doing anything even though my mom is already so busy working (she's a doctor and works full time, has a family, and one of my siblings hasn't been well). But my mom has been juggling it all. A few years ago, my grandmother started staying at my mother's during the winters because she lives up in Maine and many people live there seasonally and it is icy so, as she's getting older, they decided it would be safer if she came down and moved in with my mom and stepfather in Boston during winters. She and her dogs have done that for the last few years and it has been a stressful few winters. She's so demanding, very negative, always complaining to my mom, always criticizing, etc. Basically, every winter, things go to crap and during summer, things get better. My mom and stepfather get along again and get their lives back, they stop fighting, my mom isn't so stressed out, the sun comes back, literally and figuratively.
Well, after years of this, my mom finally realized this was unhealthy and found her a really nice home right next to our home and bought her a condo their. This place is luxurious and they have the capability to do continuing care, should she get injured or her health decline, they provide nursing care and all levels of care through hospice care. My grandmother said she agreed that it was a good idea but, of course, started fighting it with excuses from the beginning. My mom did everything to make it all work for her. She could bring her dogs. Everything was set. My mom paid a large nonrefundable deposit. Then my mom told me that my grandmother just got test results saying that her colon cancer came back and she didn't want to treat it again. She just wants to stay with my mom until she dies. (I should also mention that my mom just lost her brother to cancer months before and that is an open wound). My mom talked to my stepfather about it and naturally he wasn't happy (she has been horrible for their relationship, always saying my mom should leave him) but he was understanding and supportive of my mom and that if she wanted her mom to live with them and she's dying he's not going to say no.
So, now she's moved in and I've been visiting the last two weeks and she seems the same to me... Just old and in pain and as cranky and negative as ever. I've been trying to come up with other ways to make her feel better and she's been refusing everything. My family has always teased me about being a detective because I have an odd "sense" for when something isn't right and I've been having that. I thought having a meeting with a palliative care team could be good for my grandmother because they could assess what they could do to make her feel better and maybe thus make her more pleasant but she kept saying she didn't want to and wouldn't say why. I tried to tell myself it is just because she's scared and she doesn't get that it isn't hospice and I'll just do her a favor and get her records and have them explain that to her. But I honestly knew something was off... SO, I found her records and, long story short, she took the cologuard test but never followed up with the colonoscopy. She MIGHT have some abnormal cells but she might have some polyp that won't become anything for 10 years!!
And in 10 years, she will have ruined my mom's marriage, destroyed my family and I doubt my mom will still be alive because the stress will kill her. As it is she is seriously depressed. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I need to save my mom but I know I might not be great at handling things so delicately. Are there counselors who specialize in this? I am out of my depth, I know. And I want to help my grandmother too. I just need them both to realize that this is not the answer. I get that my grandmother was scared but this situation is not a longterm solution.