I need advice on aging parent (HELP!)
My Mother had a stroke 5 years ago and my sister and I having been taking care of her since. She is going to be 88 and isn't that bad but the sign of slowing down are growing month by month. She walks slow because of her knee and some back aches and pains. She can talk but forgets words and says things backwards because that is from the stroke. The issue is she is very controlling and is never happy. I live with her and have to take care of her medicine at 530, 630 and 730 am and my sister does the same at night via the phone or visits. I'm going to be 54 years old and afraid all the stress and constant fighting with my mom will kill me sooner or later. Me and my sister are at our ends and dont know what to do. My mom doesn't know calm down and act like normal people at her age because of anxiety. Sorry everything is a mess and typing this and should be in bed because I work as well. I just feel time is passing by and I'm at that age that things happen and will just drop dead. I feel guilty because I want to leave but if I do that I will be disowned and nobody will or never understands my point because I have a life just like my mother. I'm depressed and people ask me at work all time what is bothering me. We cant afford to have someone take care of her 24hrs because that is just too much money. Like 70K a year. My mom could sell the house and that money would last her around 10 years. I cant find any relief and always thinking about leaving the country and find a cheap place to live until I just die. I just feel I have a life as well but cant do anything because I have this invisible rope around my neck all the time. I can't even go away for 2 days without hearing crap from my sister or mom. I'm really thinking about just not coming home one day and just live my life. Sorry if this makes no sense but to me it does. I dont want die without trying to live my life :(
you said that if she sells the house she could live on that money for about 20 years....so, this might be the prefect time to move ahead with that as a plan. She would be able to self pay for quite awhile. That is important because she will get a better choice of places that will accept her.
you need to get yourself free, and Mom needs a secure place. Her needs will continue to escalate so now is the time to act.
Sell mother's home and move her into Assisted Living right away. If she's not a good candidate for AL, get her into the nicest Skilled Nursing Facility you can find and visit her at your convenience.
Take your life back, my friend, before you have no life left. It's okay to place a loved one somewhere where they will be properly cared for 24/7 by a whole team of people who work in 3 shifts a day to accomplish that care. You are ONE person, you are only human, and you are seriously *and rightfully so* burned OUT.
Check out my thread called When Is It Okay to Surrender? which covers this very subject & the guilt we tend to feel over placing our parents where they BELONG. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm
Take care of YOU now, it's okay to give yourself permission to LIVE!
Who is her durable PoA? If not you, then you should inform the one who has PoA that as of XX date you will no longer be able to provide XX care for her. You don't need to give any reason, but try to give enough time for them to find an alternative care plan, as long as it doesn't involve you in any way. If you (and sister) are PoA then you have more control of the situation.
As for your sister, I would talk to her first to let her know you are transitioning out of caregiving. If she wants to stay in it, that's her decision. Then, you should both let your mom know. Not sure if she has any dementia or cognitive decline, but she won't like it no matter what. Maybe script out what you will say so that it doesn't escalate no matter how she responds. I suggest you come to this meeting with information about nearby good facilities and costs. Tell her you and sister have already checked out these places and you will help her move in, but in-home care is no longer an option. If she goes down the disown path, just look her straight in the eye and shrug your shoulders and let her know it won't change anything. Let her know there'll be nothing to inherit anyway, and that you'd rather she spent her savings on good care. If she has the wherewithall to remember the name & number of the attorney who drafted her will, so be it.
Pick a deadline and stick to it. Even if her behavior changes for the better, she will only require more and more care. If no one has PoA for her, you can pursue guardianship but make sure you want it. Otherwise you can contact social services and they will pursue guardianship, which means you won't have any input on what facility she goes to, and no control over any of her finances, possessions, etc. You will still be able to visit her, etc. you just won't be able to know anything about her finances/home/etc. My StepFIL became a ward of the county and it was fine. He was incredibly angry but we warned him of the choices. We were there when he passed. He was safe and cared for. Sometimes, that's all that can be done for someone who isn't cooperative, realistic, etc. May you have peace in your heart whatever path you and your sister take. And don't feel guilty.
I might have to borrow your terminology soon:
"transitioning out of caregiving".
Anyway, I like it, I like the idea of it, and the words.
Or better still can you look into an alternate living situation such as assisted living or nursing home?
Take care of yourself. You matter. You’re important. You deserve to be happy.
Hugs. Let us know how you are doing. Vent anytime.
Have you talked to your sister about the changes you would like to make? Could you afford a place on your own and could your sister live with your mother for a change? Could you check with your county's Area Agency on Aging on what might be available for your mother?