My mom has been losing her memory and reasoning skills for many years - slowly. She has always been a confabulator. She was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago but she insists it’s just chemo-brain (it’s not). My dad died 9 months ago, I moved back in with her because I finished my grad program and I didn’t want her to live alone (and my partner is currently travelling for work so we get to save money, too). She is independent but frequently forgetful and I don’t think it’s reasonable that she ever lives alone again. When I end up doing things for her it’s a fight (but if I don’t she won’t pay the bills). She constantly feeds the dog too much. I feel like I need to take control of her life but also it’s too early to do this. This scares me so much. I feel so angry that I am not appreciated and instead resented. We are both just resenting each other. She is still so normal and I get so angry and frustrated when she forgets or lies, I have trouble being around her. She knows I’m depressed and frequently angry or sad but she doesn’t know why. I can’t tell her it’s her. I don’t know how to fix myself so I am more tolerant, I just feel like I’m getting worse. She’s so frustrating to be around and I feel so guilty because she’s a lovely person.
How do I learn to accept the lies I have to tell her?
People keep saying “get outside help”... no, it’s covid, she’s high risk, and help with WHAT? She doesn’t need anything to do with her health right now.
She talks to herself all day and I am going insane trying to work.
We have conservations that feel meaningful and then the next day it’s like they never happened. I guess I’m just in the throws of coming to terms with her illness but I am SO mad at her and SO ANNOYED. I really try to go along with her reality, but she’s also so together that I feel like I owe her to tell her the truth... like if she says she hasn’t had popcorn in years but I made some last night ITS SO HARD to not say, oh I really liked the popcorn I had last night (I know I need to stop doing this) it’s just that I’m so used to treating her like a normal person and she still has all the privileges of a normal person and it’s so early that I just don’t know where he personality begins and where her dementia does.
It’s difficult to live with your parents in the best of times. It’s difficult when your support network is your mom but you can’t be honest with her because she’s why you need support. It’s also difficult when she’s the only person you speak to everyday because of lockdown and it’s just like I live in her reality even though she’s not with it at all. I feel like I’m wanting the next phase just so this one is over and I am also dreading it and know how horrible that sounds.
What can I do to make our relationship better? What can I do to hide my emotions from her and feel comfortable with the white lies that I need to tell her all the time by ‘going along with her reality’ ? Am I alone I’m feeling the way I do? How can I be less angry?