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In mid-June I will need to undergo surgery--I have a malignant growth on one side of my thyroid gland. I have NOT told my Mom it's cancerous (she had a mastectomy in 1988, when she was 58). She does know I will have surgery. Then two weeks later I will have to go back for a post-operative isolation for a few days...some close relatives will take my place. How should I prepare my mother (of the "Doppelganger" situation) for this?

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So sorry to hear this, Dougie! I certainly hope and pray that you make a full recovery. You are obviously a great guy and wonderful son.

I hope others more experienced with dementia have some ideas about explaining your treatments (or at least your absences) to your mom. I wonder, is her memory such that she would be able to remember from one day to another what you've advised her? I can see you want to prepare her, but not alarm her also with information she can't handle, right? This is difficult, to be sure.
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I don't know Dougie, but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your surgery. Hope all goes well and you bounce right back. Ur in my prayers.
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Thanks for the advice...my aunt and younger brother both know the situation. I can rely on them to keep her apprised.
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Giving your mom's cognitive finctioning, I d tell her the day before the surgery and not before that.
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Dougiemonty, one time I was diagnosed with cancer and I felt I needed to tell my very elderly parents that I was going to have surgery but I never did tell them it was for cancer. I wanted to let them know that I would be out of commission for a few weeks.

My sig other was able to handle the grocery store runs. And my parents changed their doctor appointment to later dates.

I was afraid if i told my folks about the cancer they would go back into their helicopter parent mode and I didn't need that stress during recovery.

Good luck with the surgery. It should be simple with little down time.
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What does "helicopter parent" mean?
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Dougie, "helicopter parent" is a parent who hovers over a child, being way over-protective, etc.

If I had a bad cold and was home from work, Mom would be on the phone at least once an hour to see how I am feeling, giving suggestions, wanting to know if there was anything she or my dad could do. Mom was acting like I was on my last breath.

Ok it was sweet of them to check up on me, but enough already. Nothing like finally getting to sleep and the phone would ring.... [sigh]. Plus it wasn't like I could say "could Dad run to the drug store and get me cough drops" as neither one were driving due to their advanced age.
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Helicopter parents...in the old days they would call that "smother love."
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I agree with Barb and freqflyer.... right before and not the full truth... and I wish a fast recovery. God bless you and keep you in His arms.....
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I'm assuming you are caretaker and worried about her while you are away. This might be a good time to hire "sitter" and not feel guilty about the expense. Best wishes on your recovery. You must focus on yourself and yourself only for several months. Please give up all your worries about your parent. Allow yourself to heal thoroughly before reentering the caretaker position.
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I wouldn't give details.
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Not to be pessimistic, but please prepare in advance a plan in case you do not recover as quickly as you expect. My MIL went for out-patient surgery thinking that the 5-day respite time in a SNF for her husband would give her plenty of time to recover and be able to have him back home. Very wrong. In fact, she needed full-time care for herself for several days, and still hasn't been able to bring him home a year later.
Of course, at 86 and with heart issues, she shouldn't have been expected to recover like a younger person; but the surgery turned out to be more complicated and extensive than expected, too.
I pray the best for you, and a speedy and full recovery.
All the same, I like to expect the best while I prepare for the worst.
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Keep it simple. Too much information causes more confusion.
Day before, " Mom, Sally and Mike (substitute family names) will be coming over tomorrow when I go to the hospital for a little procedure. I should be home on _______. I'll call you each day. Have fun with the family. They want to take you out for a hamburger. You'll like that!"

Good luck Doogie. We're all here pulling for you.
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If your mom is still at home where you do much of hands on care then ease her into having the rest of family there more so she is more familiar with the change in her routine - sudden change is not good - people with deep dementia usually have collapsed their universe into a space where they are the centre of it - be prepared that her questions will be about how it will affect her

But if she is a resident in some sort of care facility then tell her the day before & make light of it like 'I have a small cyst that annoys me when I do up my top button & wear a tie so I'm doing this to avoid buying new clothes ... you know how I hate shopping' or something along that line because she would focus more on the end part of shopping not the earlier part of surgery - don't use the word 'surgery' either use 'procedure'

During your recovery make sure to stand back & let yourself heal for her sake as well yours - I heard there is a rule of thumb for recovery ... 1 week for every hour you are on the table to start feeling like you're getting better but 1 month for every hour before you are better - I have found with friends & family that this is about right - so don't over do things - your second procedure sounds like the iodine treatment & is usually just a precautionary to avoid to many people so get a good book to read but nothing to heavy just something light & humorous - good luck
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Don't know what stage
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Your mother is in but might be time for theraputic lie. "I'm going on vacation & _________will be here w you. You are safe & I love you."
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Doogie, you have a good part of a bad thing. Thyroid cancer has a 80 to 95% cure rate. You might have a problem getting your thyroid meds regulated, other than that, usually you are back to your old self in a couple of weeks. Like others have said, I would tell her the day before. ((Hugs)). My family has a long history of Thyroid problems and cancer.
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Dougie: I know that you must take care of YOU, else you will not be an asset to them. Let the subs step in and you are to leave it in their hands.
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I would hire a helper to come in a few times before you have the surgery. Then, during the time you are out of commission as well as after you are back but recovering still. and yes, don't explain much and the day before is soon enough.
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Assumption is that mom has dementia of some kind. Also assuming that she lives with you or you with her?
Keep the reason for being missing simple, even if you can call it a business trip or a mini-vacation. If you have to tell her about the real reason, refer to the surgery as a 'procedure' and the second trip as follow up for test results or suture removal or the like.
It would be good if your "backups" could take on some care time before you have this done - get her used to having the others take on your role. They should be there to assist you after the surgery as well. You do not want to over-exert and rupture sutures or cause any set back!

Sounds like the second round is the radioIodine treatment? My 19 yo cat had that done in February of last year (depending on who's chart you use, she would have been around 90 in human years at that time!!) She had to stay for a few days and then be "isolated" at home for a bit after (no snugglies, separate litter box, special disposal, etc.) So, even after you come home from that "vacation", you'll likely have to keep personal interactions with mom limited, if at all, for a week or two, meaning you might need to rely on your "backups" for a bit longer... You can always fib and say you've pulled a muscle or sprained your ankle (get some props if needed!) and need some help for a bit... :-)
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I have had the appointment with the surgeon. She said she will be removing the entire thyroid gland. I will need to take special medication daily for the rest of my life. The operation will be in early July and my period of isolation, for radiation therapy, will be about two weeks after that--and most likely in the hospital. My aunt and younger brother both know the situation and will be available.
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Happy to hear that you have family members to step in and help your mom and I hope that they can give you a hand for a while after you're out of the hospital. Take care.
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Dougie: That is good to hear that the people that you wanted and had asked for will be taking over.
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