I moved my sweet mother (82) in with me and my family over a year ago because she kept falling. Within a month everything changed. Any advice?

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She went from being so happy and feeling safe to aggravated and accusatory. She was finally diagnosed with early dementia by her Dr and he gave her meds to help slow it down. I am dealing with all the problems that I have read about on here except I feel I have no support system. I feel alone and angry. I love and care for my mom and want her to stay with me but the blaming me for every little thing and accusing me is so very hurtful and frustrating. My husband would listen at first but he thinks we might should try putting her somewhere to take the stress off of me. So I've quit telling him so he doesn't get upset that I am stressed. I have 2 sons, one grown and the baby being 13 years old. He is my first priority. Its hard for him to see his grandma this way. It hurts him that she accuses me of things. She has her own room and small den, which she only comes out of to do her laundry, go to the kitchen and the bathroom. Which by the way she has her very own bathroom! None of us EVER go into any of them, and I only go into her room and den when she's in there! That said she insists it's not herself hiding stuff or losing stuff..."someone" must be coming in and getting it. I've mentioned putting a camera in the hallway so she can see who comes and goes from her rooms...which will be only her! I feel some way about using the camera but I feel I'm losing MY mind and it's only been a year! Maybe if she sees that it is HER and no one else she'll know. I understand its the disease but this is everyday I'm accused of something! My sister will come over once a week and visit and get mom's groceries. She takes her to the Dr occasionally too. My mom thinks she can do no wrong. If something is missing and i say maybe my sister moved it or took it (not in a blaming way)...mom gets very defensive and loud talking, saying my sister would NEVER do that! But she has no problem accusing me. It hurts so bad. And my sister never calls me and ask how I'm doing or how its going. Yet she calls mom 3 times a day. I have reached out to her before when this first started but her response is coming from someone who does not live with the problem and her answer seems so easy. She wants me to give in basically and talk to mom like she's a child. But my thing is this....if I just admit to it for argument sake, mom will always think I'm lying even when I'm telling the truth! I don't feel I should say OK and let her blame me! I tell her I didn't do it..I tell her it's ok that she did whatever it was and that we can fix it or whatever. She gets mad and starts putting words in my mouth, saying that I think she's crazy or a lier and thief! It's nuts! I can't make myself talk to mom like she's a child, either. I would feel like I'm talking down to her. When mom gets hostile with me, I sit and let her say what she wants, I don't let mom see how it upsets me. But let my sister call and she lights up and talks all sweet. Is THAT part of dementia?? I really don't know what to think!! If anyone can help me understand what I need to do please do! I have no other way to express myself and I need assurance that I won't lose my own mind trying to deal with my mom losing hers!!

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It's clear you love your mom and you want to do right by her. It doesn't sound like your sister will be any support now or in the future in that endeavor. Your husband has had it and sounds like he wants your mom to go somewhere else.

Your first obligation is to your son(s) and making sure your son who is still at home isn't in the middle of this stress. Your second obligation is to your husband and your marriage. Mom and her care come after both of those primary obligations.

Your mom has dementia - her brain is broken. Accusing others of theft or lying or adultery (for married couples) is a very common occurrence with dementia. Unfortunately, you're there, so you get the accusations. Your mom's condition will only get worse over time. You have a couple of choices that I can see. Explain her accusations to her doctor and then take mom to the doctor if she can get some medication to ease her anxiety/stress if that's possible. Or move her to a place where you can go back to being a daughter and not a verbal punching bag. I guess I'm with your husband on this one. You tried to help mom in this way and it didn't work. Get mom to a facility where she can go to memory care when she's at that stage. It's sad, but you don't want mom's broken brain to bring down your whole family's happiness and your health. {{{Hugs}}}
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Reply to blannie
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Hi Livingwgrace,
Have you had Mother checked for a UTI? This can wreck havoc with a seniors behavior.

My next thought was if your 13 y/o is your first priority, please reassess his mother's overall mental/emotional condition. Survey the state of peace and calm in his home too.

Mother has lived a full 82 years of her life. Your son's life is everything in front of him at this Moment. It is our job to do everything in our power to give our children a secure, loving and unstressed home. (Parents included)

I've learned the hard way, what we see in our children is merely the tip of the iceberg. We have no idea what's going on beneath the surface. Usually until it's too late.

Please talk to hubby and work out an arrangement for Mother's care in a facility with trained professionals. You've already proven to yourself you can not handle the behaviors of this horrid disease. Plus it only gets worse.

Sometimes we're just too close emotionally. And there is no shame in that. Being beaten down by a lifelong loving Mom is devastating, I'm sure.

My heart goes out to you.💙
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Reply to Pepsee
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These answers are good; I've lived some of it, and it only gets worse, because of the dementia. Please don't risk your marriage and family; time to cut your losses. Not to mention, visiting your mom in a facility should be a lot less stress than having her favoritism in your face every day. My mom is the same; I know how it feels.
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Reply to mally1
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I agree with blannie, your Mom's brain is broken. You will NEVER be able to reason with her. It is time for your Mom to go to a facility that has a Memory Care Unit.
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Reply to DeeAnna
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I could have written your post as I had the same problem. For 9 years my Mom and I were "roommates"--living together in her house. As each year passed, it became harder and harder to be with her. One day my Mom asked to go to ER Dept for back pain, was hospitalized and then went to the nursing home. She is now residing in the Memory Care Unit and needs assistance with all ADLs and uses a wheelchair. Thank God she went to the nursing home, I was thinking of moving out of the house (or running away from home) because I was so burned out. It is time for you to look at and make the decision to have your Mom go live in a nursing home Memory Care Unit. It will be the best thing that you can do for your Mom, your family and for yourself.

"Do not fear, for I am with you...I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you...." ISAIAH 41:10 ^^Prayers^^ & {{Hugs}}
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Reply to DeeAnna
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What was wrong with hubby’s suggestion to place mom in a AL facility? He’d like some peace too and he wants you to have a life.

You can spend as much time as you want at a facility with mom when you’re up to it. And YES, the patient will blame the caregiver for EVERYTHING. Don’t argue with her, because she has dementia.
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Reply to HolidayEnd
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Could your sister take your mother for awhile?
You need a break and they seem to enjoy one another’s company.
I’m concerned that you have had to stop sharing your concerns with your husband in order to keep peace in your home. Your sister spends all her time with mom. Your mom is complaining to you and probably about you and your household.
I understand why you feel you have no support.
If it works out with sis great. If not, then start looking for an ALF. I bet sis will help you look.
Let us know what you decide to do.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I wish I could wave a magic wand and make caregivers understand that having feelings of anger and frustration and bad thoughts about their loved ones are perfectly normal feelings when you're dealing with caregiving. What you're experiencing doesn't make you a bad daughter - just a normal human being.

Please consider moving mom to assisted living (where there's a continuum of care). If she was in her right mind, she'd be horrified that you're as upset and worn out as you are. And that she's badmouthing you. That's not what she would want for either of you. You're the adult now and you have to make the tough decision that is best for everyone - your children, your husband, yourself and your mom. You will still be a loving daughter when you place mom in a facility with professional care. Then you can go visit and be the daughter again.
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Reply to blannie
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I feel I have no support, as well, at least with how I am feeling or thinking. My mil makes "threats" and not just to me, but she makes comments to me that are very concerning to me, and it seems that I am the only one who is concerned about the threats and comments. I feel as if this is utter hog wash. I KNOW this disease will get worse, I just hope and pray that we all get out alive. We may experience some damage, but I hope it will be reversible.
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Reply to Lostinthemix
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You are NOT alone! You have people right here to talk to. Stay close to us .
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Reply to Pepsee
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