Follow
Share

I assumed she would leave me in charge of everything because my brother is not all there but he's her firstborn and Biblically she thinks that's the right thing to do. I, however am becoming quite disenchanted with them both. They act like I'm the outsider. When I' m doing most of the cooking, cleaning, errands and taxi driving for them. I can not get a job now because I don't have the time. My life revolves around them.
I am also very concerned about the day when something happens and I have no rights to do what's best for my Mom because my brother has POA, (I think.) My Mom refuses to discuss anything with me! When I ask her questions she says let's just take one day at a time. I not only have her to think about, there is my brother too. Which has had a mild stroke already. Plus his mental condition.
Please give me some ideas on how to cope with this situation.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I am confused here. You talk about an inheritance, yet you cannot wait until she is on Medicaid. That means there is no inheritance at all. So why are you concerned. I hope you do go back to work to contribute to your own Social Security and qualifications for Medicare when your retirement age comes around
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thank you all for your concerns and advice. I have already been to an elderly care attorney. She wants a lot of money up front. I don't think it will be worth it in the end and besides we don't have it. I'm not sure if my mom does or not. We do charge my brother a very small amount for rent.
My mom helps with buying most of the groceries. Up until recently she did all the shopping and I had to do all the cooking with what she was buying. What a pain that was. She's pretty blind now so she lets me do most of the shopping. It's better.
You all want to know,( what's everything.) So do I ! Not for the reason you may think. I just want to get her on medicaid so when or if she needs to go into a nursing home hopefully it will be a smoother transition for both of us.
We're not going to kick them out. They have no home anymore but with us.
Thank you for being there. Right now I just need a place to vent, like many others. It helps !
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So many issues on this forum revolve around an inheritance, or nest egg, or inheriting the family home when generally that money will be long gone before the parent is. Unless the parent has very significant resources they will outlive it. No one should be providing any care taking based on some future inheritance.

In your case I'd have to assume that your mother will never take the POA away from your brother because "biblically" he's in charge. And she probably knows that he'll never be able to provide for himself because he's "not all there." If your brother really isn't "all there" you may be able to get him removed as POA but that would be a very wrenching legal process to go through.

You need to start charging both your brother and mom room and board and you need to research if your state will permit a family member, especially one in the same household, to be officially employed as the caregiver. If yes, you need to be officially employed by your mother to provide room, board, and care and make it a legal arrangement. If no, you need to start charging room and board to your mom and brother, and have her hire an outside caregiver so that you can get a job to provide for your own retirement. You are going to be left with nothing but your brother at the end of all of this and I imagine whatever money she has will already be spent.

This is going to be very hard for you but if you don't take action now you are only putting yourself, and your own family at risk in the future.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My best advice would be to get DPOA asap......but your circumstances just might dictate otherwise. So squash that and get job to support YOU. If mom leaves everything to brother....where does that leave you?? If she insist that you continue to be her caregiver, then that becomes your job. With the going rate of salary.....and what about medical benefits for you....how does that fit into the equation? I know it sounds harsh, but you also need to worry about your own future as well as hers. Who'll be around for you? Mom needs to know her silence has consequences......and so does her misguided Biblical interpretation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please do not rely on an inheritance to compensate for caregiving. In all likelihood, your mothers funds and assets will be used up paying for caregiving.

You need to get back to work. It sounds as though your brother has special needs. Has mother left her estate for him in a special needs trust?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

“Mother is leaving everything to my brother”....what assets does she have that she’s leaving to him? I ask because MY advice would be to make her use those assets NOW, if it’s money, to take care of herself, & if she wishes, your brother. If she still has a home, you can make her go back to it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You either need to get paid for the caregiving you are doing, or you need to go back to work. How else are you going to support yourself in your own retirement?

Do not wait for any sort of inheritance. If your mother ever needs to go into a nursing home, even a significant nest egg can vanish when those places cost thousands of dollars a month.

You are already providing "assisted living" -- go look up how much it would cost for your mother to live in such a place. Around here they start at $1700 a month for a tiny studio apartment, including meals and housekeeping.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

MissyPie, I read your profile and being your Mom is in her late 80's, it is not uncommon for a parent to choose the son to be in charge of finance matters, Wills, etc. instead of a daughter.

I remember reading on the forum one writer was disappointed when her parents choose their son because they thought men were smarter about money matter, even though their son was scatterbrained about financials, yet the daughter was a Certified Public Accountant... [sigh].

If possible make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to get legal advice on how to handle this situation. Maybe you can even get your Mom to an appointment, as I found elders of that age group will sit up and take notice of a professional.

I remember taking my parents to see an Elder Law Attorney, I could see the expression on my Mom's face when this tall lovely woman attorney came into the room. Dad really liked the attorney, and eventually Mom overcome her bias.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Do they pay you anything to live with you? If not, why not? You are not working because of them, so your own Social Security and retirement is being compromised.

How much is "everything"?

They are taking advantage of you. Time to put a stop to it. Tell them they can no longer live with you and give them a firm deadline to move out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter