I miss my me time! Does anyone else feel like this?

This was about 9 years ago, but I hope you don't mind my answering from that time in my life. My hubbie had Lou Gehrig's and was unable to move anything but his neck enough to push buttons on a mechanical remote for the TV. So I was with him 24/7. I finally decided that I needed some time by myself. So I got 5 friends to come sit with him for about 1- 1 1/2 hours in the morning while I either slept, went shopping, or whatever. It took some adjustment for him, but he was cognizant enough to realize I needed some respite. I was very thankful for that.

Gosh, I haven't been out to the movies or out to dinner in over 5 years.... it's all because my sig other and I are afraid when we sit down at the movie/restaurant that my Mom will call us that Dad had fallen. Who can enjoy a show or a meal with that hanging over your head :(

We tried to get away for a weekend at a resort we love, there is no cell service there, so everything is landline... so how did we spend our time?.... calling home every hour or two to check our answering machine.

Now if only my parents had moved to that wonderful retirement community when if Dad falls, all Mom has to do is push a button that alerts security who are trained to pick up fallen people. Plus, there is a medical office on-site with two doctor.

Thistledown - this is a great, practical idea! I think when my mom becomes a little less aware of the overall situation, this worth trying. She's still pretty aware of everyone's comings and goings so would likely not be deterred by it right now.

Thistledown3, now that is inspired! lol I also find myself tiptoeing at times, and being discreet in what I'm doing if I'm not in a "social" mindset.

I always liked my winding-down time for an hour or so after work, watching TV and chilling. Now, Dad comes home from his days out much earlier (sometimes the same time as I do) and he'll wander into the living room and start talking while I'm trying to watch something. I'll admit it's pretty annoying, but I'd never make him feel bad about it (because he would).

One of the HARDEST times for me, when I had moved my mom into our home, was that precious morning "all by myself coffee time." As soon as she started to hear noise though, she would be up and for me that meant my "me time" ended quickly, and resentfully. My SOLUTION!!.....I bought a very simple Sound Machine (from Amazon, though I know the baby stores carry them too) and put it discreetly under her bed. I set it to the Babbling Brook setting.....and it has been MORNING BLISS ever since!!!:)) The sound machine covers up the other sounds in the house and "morning me time" is now a happy, well needed time once again!! Hope this is helpful to some of you who expressed that same problem with those dreaded "first footsteps!"

I, too, miss my "me" time. My mom is 87 yo with mild to moderate dementia. I also crave my solitude, as I have been divorced for over 20 years. I never get out of the house alone, since my mom is terrified of being alone. So I get up very early in the AM, drink my coffee and get caught up on all these types of emails. My 2 sisters & 1 brother live out of time and don't have time for weekend spells, but do manage to rally around for a vacation 2x a year. My younger bro is totally inaccessible and very calls or visits (20 minutes away). I have many things I'd like to do, but for now I'm trying to just "hang in there" until I can coordinate the caregiver team to help me get more time to myself. It's a hard road, but my thoughts are with you, and hope you find some respite soon.

Thanks for posting this Iwas feeling guilty for wanting part of my life back .Glad to know I am not alone

My 85 year old mom waited in the chair for my husband and I. She said, "If you don't serve me now, I'll have to fire you" or "I'll just have to hire someone else". I waited to tell my mom and husband I was going out with my brother's daughter, and her new family. So he and mom had to "fix" dinner. I did the dishes when I got home. My brother tries to take her out even though she can only endure 45 minutes. I use that as a little time to be alone and have that cup of coffee or tea. People just can't be "old dying people...they leave in an ambulance" and she never sees them again. This is a mostly true observation in her neighborhood. She has become more anxious to know where her kids are, what we are doing, who we are with etc. - sort of like when we were teens. We try to be selective and report things of interest in such a way as to not say much that personally identifies the other person or place. This helps keep a psychological space between her kid's lives and her life. She doesn't realize we're doing it to the extent that we are, but this just helps us create a little "me" space when we are still in close proximity.

I forgot to mention my husband retired last year at the age of 57. I'm 53 and would love to start traveling, but can't leave my mom for long periods. I want to enjoy my life while I'm still young!

Of course. Caregivers probably ALL miss their "me" time. I used to huddle under the covers to read my newspaper so that my MIL would not hear me "up." Hearing me was her cue to get up, get showered, get dressed (all before breakfast) because staying in jammies meant "giving up." Even on the weekends.
Barb M., author
What to Do about Mama?

This has definitely been the hardest job I have ever had. My mom doesn't want to be left alone so either I take her with me or one of my girls comes over to watch her. She does attend a senior day care program for 3 hours every Wed. Morning which helps tremendously. She has been with my husband and myself for 9 months now. I work one day a week which also helps. If I didn't have the help of my girls and occasionally a friend I am not sure I could do this.

I have just finished spending one full month at the hospital and rehab with my Mom who lives in Maine and I in TN. Had to leave her for a few weeks to come home to my husband and dog and to get my head on straight and see my caring and supportive friends with their smiling faces and no demands. Had to go back and spend 3 more weeks when she came out of rehab and was planning on moving her to TN with us for the winter. While she was at her sickest her husband of 30 years asked for a divorce (she is 82 and he is 80) to be with another woman and didn't want to take care of her physically or financially (figured if she goes into a long term facility they will come after his assets too). After many prayers God lead me to a wonderful LTC facility as I just could not continue taking care of her ostomy bags (she was making such a mess and had Cdiff, a highly contagious diaheria, so I was constantly Cloroxing everything) PLUS had to file for divorce, go to every bank to split assets, change will, POA, etc, sell her car, move her out of her hoarder home of 30 years, set her up in the new apartment and take her to Dr appts. Exhausted is an understatement and I too felt so guilty becuase she demands my time every waking hour. I had to ask my son and d-i-l to not judge me for putting her in the Assisted Living Facility because they only call her for 15 minutes every few weeks and have no idea that her dementia was progressing rapidly and I just knew my husband and I would have been stretched to the limit bringing her to live with us. Thank God I was able to obtain the one room available and it is in her old neighborhood where most of her friends still live and can come visit her and take her out.
Thank you Aging Care for writing so many insightful articles to let us know that we are not alone in caring for elderly parents. Even though my father passed at 57 I am grateful to not be taking care of both parents plus in laws like many others do.
I pray you will find someone to come be with your Dad for a few hours a week. You MUST take care of yourself or you will be of no help to him. When I got home I had to be in bed for 2 days as the stress aggravated my fibromyalgia so bad that I couldn't move once I stopped. Don't let yourself get to that point. Remember too, if you have a husband and children, they need you as well so you have to get some alone time with them.
Best of luck and just know that you are not alone and do look into your local chapter of A Place for Mom, or the Center for Aging Adults.

SPEAK UP to your parent!! I know it's not easy to disappoint our parents or to cause them to be sad or mad with our choices, but YOU are sad, angry, etc. etc. and that's not fair to YOU! Let your dad know "Dad, I really need some "me" time, so I'm not going to be available to you for the next hour.....Or, "so I'm going to be going out one afternoon a week to spend time with friends, shop, etc. How would you like to spend that time?" Your parent doesn't have to like it or support you in it, or agree. They may try to guilt you, but do it anyhow. It gets easier. So what if they're mad or sad? It's part of being a human being, and just because someone is elderly doesn't mean they get to be exempt from disappointment, sadness or anger. They, too, can make some "sacrifices" of not having you around if and whenever they want you. If your dad won't go to the senior center without, you "I'm sorry to hear that dad. I thought you might enjoy getting out of the house and talking with other people. But that's your choice." And then drop it! Don't try and figure out what he can do next, and don't make yourself readily available to start "entertaining" him right then. Most of us want the easy way to get our wants/needs met and aren't inclined to make change without some level of discomfort. This includes your DAD! He, too, can make some sacrifices in his wants/needs as a result of living with you. It doesn't have to be a one way street just because someone is elderly!

I miss me time too. I also miss kid time and husband time. It feels like my life is surrounding my parents and their care. I work 2 jobs, and between the 2 jobs and my parents' care, it seems like there isnt enough time for children and husband, let alone, myself.

I can relay to everyone. Daddysgirl, your story is so similar to mine. I find myself at times talking to my mother with an attitude,I should understand that is not her fault for her actions. I sometimes don't have the patience when i have to repeat simple things over and over. I'm really frustrated due to the fact that my mom has being at my house for the past month. I torn the ACL from my right knee and i'm on crutches. Its taking me longer to recover since i have to take care of her all day long. I will ask her to do just a few things and she complains all she wants is for me to seat with her and watch tv. and i have to stand on one leg with crutches in the kitchen for breakfast lunch and dinner. That is all she talks about, and smoking and having tea all day long. Can't wait to get better so i can go back to work which is my only me time. My life for the past 7 years since we moved from NY to NC is work and making sure my mom has everything she needs and that she's in good health after all...I'm only 56 years old and i feel the rest of my life is just passing me by. I think is good to vent but after all God has a purpose for everything....All we have to do is hang in there and keep the faith.

Daddysgirl513. It is the same thing for me and my mother. I don't have private time just to think anymore. I have to get up at the crack of dawn, exhausted, and then if I am not perfectly silent or there is any noise outside, the refrain of "is it time to get up yet?" starts. I really don't know what to tell you. This is not the same as respite during the afternoon. At some point, you need some peace and quiet for your own mental health. But my mom really can't read anymore; she has trouble understanding written words.So I either have to be active with her all the time or we have the TV on.

Could you go out for coffee by yourself on occasion? I'm fortunate that my mom and I live in a duplex and so we both have alone time. I would be batty if I didn't.

Freqflyer, exactly!!! I am retirement age now, but my office is my sanity! Until mom got to the nursing home, I was using my time off to run her (or both prior to dad's passing) to appts or to get them stuff etc. Still spend a lot of time talking to nursing home staff and doctors to address some health issues. Yes, they had an amazing retirement from 65 on!!! My husband and I insist on some time away. We don't travel far, but we do get some short getaways. The staff is extra good with her when I tell them we will be away for a few days. I totally, 100%, understand where you are coming from!!

What I resent is the fact that my own parents had a lot of *me time* for themselves back when Dad retired at 65, and he and Mom would be out traveling, sightseeing, going to museums, eating out, going to the movies, vacationing at their favorite resort twice a year and was doing all that until they had to stop about 6 years ago [both are in their 90's]. They had a grand retirement for 25 great years.

What am I doing at 68, none of the above. I am still working mainly for my own sanity and to have people of other age groups to talk to... yet half of my free time is running here or there, driving my parents to appointments, etc.... and the other half of my free time is trying to catch up with my own household chores, my own groceries, my own doctor appointments.

Gone are the grand plans I had for retirement. All that saving and scrimping for what? Oh well, will all my health issues due to stress, I can get a really nice assistant living facility for myself :P

I moved my parents near me to an Assisted Living and over the years they have moved on to specialty care wing, then dad passed away, now mom is in a nursing home (the loveliest and best!) with dementia and unable to stand or walk any more. She also has anxiety issues and needs me to stop in every day. I do skip days from time to time, but on days I go, by the time I drive there, spend 45 minutes or thereabouts, and drive home, stopping for errands, I have lost a good two hours of "me time". I work full time. and like someone previously said, work is like a vacation to me!! Knitting is my passion, and I always bring something to knit when with mom. She does show interest, so that is good. But I do not have the alone time I need and I really miss that!

I live with my husband, 87 yo Mom, and have added my best friend who is in hospice from metastatic cancer.....me time is rare and I guard it very closely. It is not always a chance to get it and I miss it sorely. Grab what you can when you can....even 5 minutes in the shower, bathroom, on the phone with a friend..anything makes a big difference. Another thing I've allowed myself....take the day one minute at a time or one foot in front of the other when you need to. Feelings, no matter what they are need to be felt regardless.

My 77 year old mom who suffers from severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 , never drive or made friends lives next door to me. I go over every day, make her dinner, shop for her, take her to doctors, banking, hairdresser and what ever else she needs. I feel like I'm on call 24/7 even when I'm on vacation. I have 3 siblings who don't help. Well, one comes every 3 months to take mom to the lung doctor and thinks that's helping. My mom refuses to go to adult daycare or have strangers help out. She does have a house cleaner come once a month so that helps. I also work part time. This is a hard thankless job, but I love my mom. I hate thinking bad about all I have to put up with, but it's hard.

I was just emailing a friend of mine who wants me to meet her new boyfriend about how life is full circle and taking care of my mum was liking having a child, you never have your own time. Are there such places that have babysitters for the elderly, not home health, but just a sitter? But even with that, you never know when there is going to be an illness so I really can't plan for evenings out. I use all the me time I can muster though and email and the internet are GREAT. I guess that is my only advice, since it is what it is, utilize anytime you have to yourself.

I agree that it is very difficult to find alone time when caring for a senior. It absolutely robs you of any strength and sanity. Some of us have the additional problem of spouse and child feeling resentful of the time you must spend caregiving. I don't have any answers except that you must think of yourself first, or you will be of no use to anyone else. Don't feel guilty about knitting ( I am also a voracious knitter) or reading or just sitting quietly. My mom doesn't have dementia, but has always been selfish, and raised her son to be that way. I think we are always going to upset others no matter what, so keep on doing what you need to get through the day.

My mom is in a home and my alone time is gone. She and I are it, so she gets clingy and upset if I don't visit everyday. I'm also in school because I can't afford my student loans at the moment. To top it off I moved to a more expensive apartment because she hated the apartment manager at the old place with a passion (this pre-dates any dementia) and she in her demented state hit the apartment manager with a broom (I know my mom would have done that 10 years ago had it not been that she still had filters back then). I thought she would be staying with me after I had her medication adjusted but the mighty "they" decided I can't take care of her. What that means is the government will pay for nursing home care but not a person to come in and I REALLY CAN'T AFFORD $10/hour right now. I moved closer to work (aka to a pricier area) so I could keep an eye on her at lunch as well.

When they take away my mom's SS I'm screwed. I have exactly $131 left over for whatever comes up after paying the rent and the bills. I had to take a large pay cut to get a job after losing one due to The Recession. I did ask my boss for a raise and he said end of year BUT that was before they announced layoffs so I will be lucky to just have a job even if it pays crap.

So I spend all my time with mom at the nursing home or home doing homework on Office 2013 even though that is what I do for a living - it's slim pickings in your first semester, I had forgotten that from real college. I'm poor enough that the JC pays for my classes. Alas, the Federal government does not recognize the huge difference in cost of living in California compared to anywhere else. I was born here, living here is not some stupid wannabe actor choice I made.

I've considered dating which taking care of my mom was a wonderful excuse to avoid the last 10 years but ugh dating a 50 year old man seems so well OLD. I can't see the concept of true love happening in my mid 40s if it did not happen in my mid-20s. I had a shot at marriage but true love it was not.

And no matter how hard I try or how many meds I take, I'm depressed and my mom is depressed. I also didn't really enjoy dating when my choices were 35, I'm just not the "meeting new people type". I guess I'll be looking for a new job in the new year but I'm screwed for now. Oh yes and all my real friends left the state due to The Recession and I have no time to make new ones nor the wherewithal (sp) to do it nor the money to go out with them if I did. Those last two may be related because even though I am not the meet new person type I tend to be good at making friends.

So yes, I relate. I had a lot more "me" time when my mom was living with me. I also went out with my friends and had a fabulous excuse to avoid dating. I haven't been to the nail place in months. I miss the nail place and the salon.

Glad, no, my mom doesn't have dementia and I understand where that wouldn't work for a parent with dementia. From other responses regarding senior activities, I made the assumption that her dad was able to without her attention for a bit without becoming anxious.

Linda, does your Mom have dementia? Just going to bed sounds easy enough if not dealing with memory loss. However, your solution would never work for me. My Mom would either be searching for me as soon as i left a room or wandering off into the night.

What helped me was to tell my mom that I needed to recharge in the evenings. I was with her after work, prepping and eating dinner and visiting until about 8:30PM. Then I went into my room, got my clothing ready for the next day and rested in bed. I read, watched TV, knitted. When I was sleepy, I could just turn out the light and roll over. Mom was unhappy that I wasn't sitting with her, watching TV till 11 and tried to make me feel guilty. But I stuck with it and that was the new habit. I looked forward to my down time, while still getting to sleep at a decent hour.

Carving out time for yourself is important and reasonable. You should be able to have time for solitary interests, like reading or drawing or crafts. There has to be balance on the happiness meter - you need time for yourself and he needs to get used to spending time without your attention.

Oh, yes. I'm betting you're hardly alone with those thoughts. Well, I know you're not, because I had the same exact ones. My 'time at peace' was after I'd tucked mom in for the night and wearily made my way to bed. When I snuggled under the covers....well, there was no sweeter feeling on earth for me. It was, indeed, my sanctuary.

I have no answers, but can identify with the lack of me time. I am learning to enjoy little snipets of time and am working part time(which ends up being a day out!). I am told by people that do not have the problem to just take the time, it's important. Well that being very true, it is easier said than done. I just keep plugging along and do the best I can.