I miss my me time! Does anyone else feel like this?

I would love to have me time. To get it, I only fine it by going to work. At times l'm resentful toward my husband and friends, who have the freedom to do whatever they want to do. We are all in our late fifties and early sixties, we should be having fun and relaxing. I keep thinking maybe, next week will be better, but I know it will only get worse, as my parents conditions decline.

I call on family, although they are not much help. My son has agreed to spend an entire day with my mother so that I can work one Sunday. Never mind any me time...

I miss my me time too! My wife and I were empty nesters, things were just getting good between us living like newlyweds again. Then the stress of the moving in of dad. Don't get me wrong I truly love my dad but it is a stress. It was my idea to move him in and my wife is great about it but we are all trying to figure it out. There was no other option.
Dad figured out we needed quiet time in the AM for my wife to get ready for work and he has been great about that not coming down until she leaves at 7. That is awesome! He does give us chill time when she comes home from work. it is just the having another in the house that is difficult, the looming issue. We generally have to make an excuse to get us for us so I feel guilty. We are looking forward to a week with just us while he goes to visit some relatives. I am giving up mu annual hunting trip he and I go on every year so he a can go alone (with family) so I can get some me time with my wife.
Yeah, I miss my me time! I guess I carry too much guilt....

I think it would be good if married people let the parent know they needed time alone in the morning and evening. tgengine, your father giving you some time sounds like it makes it better. Talking about having time for your mate doesn't have to be heavy. Most parents will remember what it is like, even if they have dementia. tgengine, I can tell you have a great dad -- he understood what you needed without having to be asked.

Me and my husband feel exactly the same way after moving my parents (ages 90 & 95) in with us. We were finally "empty nesters" and really enjoyed it, but, it is what it is for now and we'll get through it. I also have to set my alarm on weekends so I can get up before them to have my coffee and thoughts before the madness begins!

When my mother was in better health and talking about living with me, she talked about having our separate times and we discussed ways to do this. She suggested she have her own coffee maker so that we weren't all on top of each other in the mornings. I suggested her own microwave so that she could make her own tea throughout the day and be in her room doing her own thing, if she wanted to. Also, her own TV.

When she moved-in, though, she's now mostly confused by the TV remote, so she doesn't watch TV without help, but she does have the ability to read the instructions on the simplest TV dinner to make herself something if we go out without her.

She can make a PB&J with prep before we go (she can see the bread on the counter, but has to be reminded that jelly's in the fridge; she's never understood where the PB is, so I take it out and put it next to the bread).

We're careful to have time to ourselves, family time (Mom, spouse and me), and time just for spouse and me. I make kind of a big deal about this so that she notices that we do fun things all together with her. When she really can't go, maybe because there's too much walking, I'll talk to her about the fact that we're not purposely not asking her along but that we realize should couldn't/wouldn't go because of the walking. I think she does feel hurt when we run errands without her, because that's not really quality time for my spouse and me. So, if the errands are too great or the store too big, we'll mention it over lunch where we're going and why we think she's not coming. Once in awhile, we take her anyway and she likes to sit in the car and look at the fall colors, though. Sometimes, if it's not that we're specifically having our own spouse time together, we'll just ask her to come along and, then, she's pretty much okay that we desert her for our spouse time.

It's a tough balance and she is probably more understanding than some might be. She is a bit of a loner, though, and I suspect she likes it when we leave her alone a little - she gets peace and quiet, finally! :-)

Oh my God. I know that feeling. It is like you're suffocating. I took care of my father too. I would wake in the morning and just lie in the bed because I knew the moment my feet hit the floor he would be calling for me. There was no alone time. I loved my dad with all of my heart; he was a great father; wonderful husband but after the passing of my mother and then his illness, things changed. I left the privacy of my own sanctuary and moved in with dad so that I could care for him. It was very, very difficult. I've written a book that tells the story and that encourages the Caregiver. Caregivers like us need all of the encouragement we can get and we need to know that we are not alone in our feelings. Please pick up a copy of my book "Behind Every Dark Cloud - A Caregiver's Heart" by Bernita A. Glenn at Amazon or AuthorHouse. I promise that there are some stories in there that you will relate to. Caregiving is a very thankless job but I believe we are called to do it. God bless you on your journey.

There are 63 million of us doing this. It's time our 'elected officials' hear from us. In Great Britain, caregivers are PAID to stay home and take care of their folks. Statistically, we save Uncle Sam 43K a year for each family member cared for at home.

Cleverdish, I would be more than happy to have my taxes raised so that an elder can either stay at home being cared for by a relative or have care in an assistant living or nursing home facility.

But how many of us would vote *yes* to raising our taxes to cover that expense? Heck, some communities can't get the voters to vote *yes* on educational improvements.

It's not always about raising taxes. It's about recognizing the effort and sacrifice: of our futures and our earning possibilities. Just like our veterans have job preference (God bless them) longtime caregivers who have had to 'give up' careers and earnings should be either eligible for transitional training or use their years of experience and expertise to an advantage somewhere. It's not just about "me" time... it's about re-entry.

Cleverdish, the only way we would get such programs to help with re-entry is through raising taxes.

Yup, yup, YEAH! I miss it? Dad is more clingy than ever. Won't even go to the senior center any more. Makes some lame excuse--Even though they pick him up right in front of the house! He doesn't want to socialize w/ anyone else but my bro & me. (Sigh) Wish I could be more of a help to you. Good luck!

since 2010, we've been caring for my 89 yo blind deaf father, he has not been able to walk for 2 years, so we, along with the VA, do everything at his bedside. me time is the respite at my work, eating right, exercise, sleep, music, movies and camaraderie with others that are going through it, or have been through it. Hugs to you. b.r.e.a.t.h.e.

I, for one don't want the government paying me to stay home and look after my mom. The more you get from big brother - the more they meddle in your business.

Me time... I don't get much of that. But as a couple of friends who know what I am dealing with (very few know) have been a very good support system and advised me as to how important me time is. I do get an hr here and there. But it's for me to run an errand or two so its not a real me time moment as i sleep next to my mom every night i am with her 24/7 except when i am in the bathroom. Sometimes i have to skip showers just because I dont want to leave her alone. I dont have kids, but i wonder if this is what it feels like to have toddlers. .. (?)
I am however looking forward to a 9 day holiday where i have one of my sisters and a friend of my mom who will stay with her. Its is going to be my ultimate me time of shopping, beach, spa treatments and everything in between. I do believe that its going to help me be a better carer for my mom....who is in the last few weeks improved in some areas.
I urge everyone if you have someone to help you and that can take over for a few days, take it, have some me time. ...it needn't be a holiday away but maybe a day at a spa or a weekend away depending. Do it. You will be a better carer if you care for yourself.

I was just thinking this past weekend about how unhealthy it is to keep everything 'inside' of you. You have to let it out! If you don't, you'll get sick. Force yourself for your own good to get out and let it out.

Dear Sherry, those thoughts are not good. I know we need to work to survive, but sometimes we need to sacrifice a little and let God take control of things. We're selfish is our nature, but we need to know when to stop for a while and sacrifice for the ones we love and care. Seek God and His plan first, including happiness and peace will fall into place. when you get this negative thoughts, talk to God, His listening.

Heart2Heart, you are correct, but get it out to whom? I know just about all my friends have stopped calling because they were tired of the *pity party* but I just wanted to vent, and they couldn't relate. I vent to my sig other but it's like venting to the mirror, he already knows all about it, and agrees 100%.

Thank goodness for this forum :)

I also know I feel better when I vacuum the rugs, but it stresses out the cats.... so it's not a win-win situation.... [sigh].

Oh yea. When he says "good morning", I wish him back to bed for 20 minutes in my mind.

And I hate this freaking time change! Mom is now up an hour earlier, then will not go back to bed! But will sit in a dining room chair and start to fall asleep. Oh the contrariness of elders with Alzheimer's.

Yup

Wendylu. Let's just stick to topic and not try to "save" one another. I don't appreciate the reference to seeking God. Personally I feel that this site is not the place to evangelize. I have my own spiritual path and seeking an external god is not include. Who says God is a he? But thanks for the thought anyway, I know you have your own faith. It's just not mine.

Loki2013 Movies??? they still have those. It's been 5 years since my hubby and I went to a movie. Oj1977, trips??? what are those??? I'm lucky to get to go to the grocery store for an hour. Work is my time that I have to myself. I relish driving in the car for 30 minutes each way and often turn off the phone while in transit.

Yes Freqflyer and Heart to Heart, we do need to get it out. This is our forum. I appreciate the support and information that I get here.

I have a live-in caregiver who gives me 25 hours a week so I can work + a great yardman who both will watch her anytime, but the trouble is that things are so intense right now, it's taking all of us. At least I have been able to sleep at night the past week. I hope that I don't jinx the good luck by talking about it.

I have MS, so does my boyfriend but his is far worse, he is in a wheelchair and can't do much for himself, but his mind is constantly going, thinking of things for me to do. We also have 2 dogs and 3 cats. I do get so tired of being the only one who can do the physical things. It seems like every 5 or 10 mins i got to get up and get someone somthing. I feel guilty for feeling somewhat resentful, my life is not that bad, it used to be a lot worse, I was married to a alchoholic and drug addict. My BF now is a wonderful and supportive man but sometimes i don't think he realizes that i am to disabled, just cuz i don't really look like i am on the outside. So all that being said i do want some me time, the only time i really get is if i go shopping but i can't be gone to long cuz they all need me!

I don't need to know. However, I'll ask this question that only you can answer. Have you the monies to hire someone to come in and help? If so, I found my caregiver who is with a reputable company & is trained. Maybe you can?

All we have is our disability income, i can't work nor would i have the time to if i could, i am his caregiver 24/7. We have applied to the state for some help but they said it could be 2 years before we could see anything.

Dear Sherry1anne.
The trip is up in the air as i am spending another night in the hospital with my mom. So i might have jinxed it. Lol.
we all have different levels of care giving my mom...if she has someone at home to help her and make sure she takes her meds she will be OK
We are looking into a rehab facility for her so she can get the help that she needs in terms of building back strength in her arms and legs as well as treat her asthma.
I know i am lucky to get me time in the form of a trip...i know. And I do hope.i havent jinxed it.

Wendylou - Thank you for your desire to be inspirational, but I am sure many caregivers have their own religious faith. I think all the caregivers have been more than willing to sacrifice their lives and I don't think any family caregiver is selfish. Many, many caregivers are very religious. But it does challenge your faith to see this cruel disease rob people of their minds and their identities. It is one thing to be aware of it logically, but to see it happening everyday to your family is a different thing entirely. Where are all the houses of worship and their efforts to provide caregiver respite? Where are they holding meetings to inspire and encourage caregivers? It is one thing to preach to our fellow human beings to blindly trust in God when they are facing heartbreaking suffering. It is another thing to demonstrate their faith by offering themselves to help caregivers whose hearts are breaking and minds are unable to cope with endless daily tragedy. If this was daycare for our children, they would be there. But for our elderly, there is limited support. They don't even offer special religious services we can take our elderly with dementia to. We need more religious leaders to practice what they preach, and help caregivers catch their breath.

I don't mind someone talking about their faith, since this is a group for all people. I have to admit that telling myself to put things in God's hands helped me in my father's last months. It made me realize that I couldn't fix things, that I had to let them go. That took away so much stress.

My mother has a young woman from the church who comes by every month to check on us. I know she would try to be there if I needed her. I don't know what she could do, because she is a bit dizzy, but it is good to know someone is there to help.

My mother's church has a support group that meets. It is only once a month, though, so I don't know how it could be much help. I don't go, because many of the complaints I have are not very godly. Still, it may be a good group for the right people.

My brother's family, OTOH, are staunch primitive Baptist types, whose daily focus is on serving God. They rarely visit, though they live less than an hour away. My brother calls occasionally. My mother thinks that they feel we are going to hell. I feel that their lives are busy with their church family and caring about her would be inconvenient -- no fun at all. They are probably glad that I have it covered here. Yes, it feels ugly. If they were the only examples I had of Christians, it would paint a bad picture indeed.

People are just people, no matter how they paint themselves. Some people give too much, others take too much. Still others just pull into themselves and hiss at the outside world.

I feel guilty that I find myself upset when Mom comes out of her room in the morning and if I'm honest, the afternoon or evening, too. I find myself resentful that she's up earlier than I wanted her to be. I just cringe when her door opens and I hear the familiar sound of her walker coming down the hall. We give up so much of ourselves for our parents, that instead of feeling happy, I find myself resentful. I'm so grateful for the times that I don't feel that way. I used to think I was a nice person, and now I'm not so sure.

Me time? What is that? I have been caring for my Mom for 4 years alone, everyone tells me call me, I 'll come help, however when I call they always have some excuse, so I no longer ask, now mind you I have 2 sisters and 7 brothers and am the youngest girl, that has always ben there for my Mom and will be until the day she dies! I just keep in mind my day is coming, it may take years ( mom is 87) but when that day comes they can all forget my name and number, including my husband of 36 years! I just want to go be alone and forget they exist because that has what they have done to me and my Mom! It will be a bitter sweet day- but it will come! They will need me long before I need them, and answer will be a flat NO , no excuse given!