I miss my me time! Does anyone else feel like this?

I have just finished spending one full month at the hospital and rehab with my Mom who lives in Maine and I in TN. Had to leave her for a few weeks to come home to my husband and dog and to get my head on straight and see my caring and supportive friends with their smiling faces and no demands. Had to go back and spend 3 more weeks when she came out of rehab and was planning on moving her to TN with us for the winter. While she was at her sickest her husband of 30 years asked for a divorce (she is 82 and he is 80) to be with another woman and didn't want to take care of her physically or financially (figured if she goes into a long term facility they will come after his assets too). After many prayers God lead me to a wonderful LTC facility as I just could not continue taking care of her ostomy bags (she was making such a mess and had Cdiff, a highly contagious diaheria, so I was constantly Cloroxing everything) PLUS had to file for divorce, go to every bank to split assets, change will, POA, etc, sell her car, move her out of her hoarder home of 30 years, set her up in the new apartment and take her to Dr appts. Exhausted is an understatement and I too felt so guilty becuase she demands my time every waking hour. I had to ask my son and d-i-l to not judge me for putting her in the Assisted Living Facility because they only call her for 15 minutes every few weeks and have no idea that her dementia was progressing rapidly and I just knew my husband and I would have been stretched to the limit bringing her to live with us. Thank God I was able to obtain the one room available and it is in her old neighborhood where most of her friends still live and can come visit her and take her out.
Thank you Aging Care for writing so many insightful articles to let us know that we are not alone in caring for elderly parents. Even though my father passed at 57 I am grateful to not be taking care of both parents plus in laws like many others do.
I pray you will find someone to come be with your Dad for a few hours a week. You MUST take care of yourself or you will be of no help to him. When I got home I had to be in bed for 2 days as the stress aggravated my fibromyalgia so bad that I couldn't move once I stopped. Don't let yourself get to that point. Remember too, if you have a husband and children, they need you as well so you have to get some alone time with them.
Best of luck and just know that you are not alone and do look into your local chapter of A Place for Mom, or the Center for Aging Adults.

This has definitely been the hardest job I have ever had. My mom doesn't want to be left alone so either I take her with me or one of my girls comes over to watch her. She does attend a senior day care program for 3 hours every Wed. Morning which helps tremendously. She has been with my husband and myself for 9 months now. I work one day a week which also helps. If I didn't have the help of my girls and occasionally a friend I am not sure I could do this.

Of course. Caregivers probably ALL miss their "me" time. I used to huddle under the covers to read my newspaper so that my MIL would not hear me "up." Hearing me was her cue to get up, get showered, get dressed (all before breakfast) because staying in jammies meant "giving up." Even on the weekends.
Barb M., author
What to Do about Mama?

I forgot to mention my husband retired last year at the age of 57. I'm 53 and would love to start traveling, but can't leave my mom for long periods. I want to enjoy my life while I'm still young!

My 85 year old mom waited in the chair for my husband and I. She said, "If you don't serve me now, I'll have to fire you" or "I'll just have to hire someone else". I waited to tell my mom and husband I was going out with my brother's daughter, and her new family. So he and mom had to "fix" dinner. I did the dishes when I got home. My brother tries to take her out even though she can only endure 45 minutes. I use that as a little time to be alone and have that cup of coffee or tea. People just can't be "old dying people...they leave in an ambulance" and she never sees them again. This is a mostly true observation in her neighborhood. She has become more anxious to know where her kids are, what we are doing, who we are with etc. - sort of like when we were teens. We try to be selective and report things of interest in such a way as to not say much that personally identifies the other person or place. This helps keep a psychological space between her kid's lives and her life. She doesn't realize we're doing it to the extent that we are, but this just helps us create a little "me" space when we are still in close proximity.

Thanks for posting this Iwas feeling guilty for wanting part of my life back .Glad to know I am not alone

I, too, miss my "me" time. My mom is 87 yo with mild to moderate dementia. I also crave my solitude, as I have been divorced for over 20 years. I never get out of the house alone, since my mom is terrified of being alone. So I get up very early in the AM, drink my coffee and get caught up on all these types of emails. My 2 sisters & 1 brother live out of time and don't have time for weekend spells, but do manage to rally around for a vacation 2x a year. My younger bro is totally inaccessible and very calls or visits (20 minutes away). I have many things I'd like to do, but for now I'm trying to just "hang in there" until I can coordinate the caregiver team to help me get more time to myself. It's a hard road, but my thoughts are with you, and hope you find some respite soon.

One of the HARDEST times for me, when I had moved my mom into our home, was that precious morning "all by myself coffee time." As soon as she started to hear noise though, she would be up and for me that meant my "me time" ended quickly, and resentfully. My SOLUTION!!.....I bought a very simple Sound Machine (from Amazon, though I know the baby stores carry them too) and put it discreetly under her bed. I set it to the Babbling Brook setting.....and it has been MORNING BLISS ever since!!!:)) The sound machine covers up the other sounds in the house and "morning me time" is now a happy, well needed time once again!! Hope this is helpful to some of you who expressed that same problem with those dreaded "first footsteps!"

Thistledown3, now that is inspired! lol I also find myself tiptoeing at times, and being discreet in what I'm doing if I'm not in a "social" mindset.

I always liked my winding-down time for an hour or so after work, watching TV and chilling. Now, Dad comes home from his days out much earlier (sometimes the same time as I do) and he'll wander into the living room and start talking while I'm trying to watch something. I'll admit it's pretty annoying, but I'd never make him feel bad about it (because he would).

Thistledown - this is a great, practical idea! I think when my mom becomes a little less aware of the overall situation, this worth trying. She's still pretty aware of everyone's comings and goings so would likely not be deterred by it right now.

Gosh, I haven't been out to the movies or out to dinner in over 5 years.... it's all because my sig other and I are afraid when we sit down at the movie/restaurant that my Mom will call us that Dad had fallen. Who can enjoy a show or a meal with that hanging over your head :(

We tried to get away for a weekend at a resort we love, there is no cell service there, so everything is landline... so how did we spend our time?.... calling home every hour or two to check our answering machine.

Now if only my parents had moved to that wonderful retirement community when if Dad falls, all Mom has to do is push a button that alerts security who are trained to pick up fallen people. Plus, there is a medical office on-site with two doctor.

This was about 9 years ago, but I hope you don't mind my answering from that time in my life. My hubbie had Lou Gehrig's and was unable to move anything but his neck enough to push buttons on a mechanical remote for the TV. So I was with him 24/7. I finally decided that I needed some time by myself. So I got 5 friends to come sit with him for about 1- 1 1/2 hours in the morning while I either slept, went shopping, or whatever. It took some adjustment for him, but he was cognizant enough to realize I needed some respite. I was very thankful for that.

My Aunt & I split the caring for my mother. She was with her from Monday afternoon to Friday afternoon and I was there either Friday night or Saturday morning – Sunday night. If we left her alone for too long she would decide she needed to run an errand and drive herself. I finally got the Dr to take away her driving privileges, which she of course resented.
During the week I was working in another state but took whatever time off I needed to take her to any appointments. Getting to Mom’s was almost a 2 hour drive and then her medical appointments with any of her specialists was another hour or more. I was fortunate that most of the time I could schedule a couple of the Drs. on the same day. At this same time our son was a teenager so while at home I was dealing with all that entails and during her last summer he broke his leg. On top of this my husband was working nights and still in the Army Reserves, one weekend a month and usually three weeks annual training. Needless to say my “me” time was rare, usually limited to the time it took me to drive home from work or her house.
Mom passed a few years ago and I do not resent for one minute the time I spent with her. Yes there were times when she pushed me to the limit and times I got short with her. Had I known when we transferred her from her last hospital stay to the NF that it would be her last week I would have brought her home to either her house or mine. At the time it was the week school was starting for our son, he had just gotten his cast off and then reinjured his ankle at school.
I know while you are dealing with this it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but once the family member you are caring for is gone you will know that you did what you could for them when they needed you. Please seek out assistance and support groups, breathe.

Yes! I love my mom dearly and brought her to live with us 3 years ago. I cannot quit my full-time job and recently had to get some in-home help. Between my job, my mom's increasing physical and
mental decline; and several other life factors, solitude and "me" time are almost non-existent unless I stay up way too late. Sometimes I just feel so exhausted and overwhelmed.

I know the feeling very well..I was the caregiver to my 83 year old mother had lung cancer and I was her caregiver 24/7 7 days a week...I had days I wanted to scream....cry..I to felt guilty..my mom was bedridden because of a hip fracture..I watched her take her last breath..Oct.4th..Now I wish I had her back..I have my freedom....but I don't have my "MOM"....Cherish your loved ones...but do get time to yourself.

im alone now and all my time is me time . i wasnt really cut out to be alone but dont care much for annoying friends . its time for grandkids but unfortunately they live in fla . i guess in the meantime im still looking for an old gal like aunt edna . if this old gal wasnt incarcerated in nh right now shed be splittin wood , layin stone , hunting , gardening or anything else her man was doing . she is and was an american pioneer and homesteader and all the " enlightenment " now or in the future wont make her role shameful or less respectable to me .

I really feel for you.
I took care of my aging mother for 14 years.
What worked for me was to adjust my schedule to be closer to hers.
She liked to sleep in late every morning, so it gave me time to make sure I got some "me time."
A great time to get some "me time" is when they are sleeping or doing some supervised day time activities for seniors.

Omg YES. I moved in with my mom to help with her. She is in fairly poor health and a hoarder extrardonair. Have mercy. But the biggest thing is I work all day come home and want a little me time to read quietly watch a TV show. By she constantly interrupts me she screams every time a dog barks. She has three. She putters and baby talks. I just want peace. I have my own space upstairs but if I go up before 10 she whines that I am abandoning her. I an a very patient person but please tell me how to get some me time. Oh and I pay half the household bills and she doesn't want my children or grandchildren around. Sorry my first venting for a long while. I just want some quiet time.

Dear fancinana, why don't you get her a caregiver that can stay in the house for 3 hours with her, and use those hours for yourself on whatever makes you happy, or relaxed...good luck and God bless

I do know how you feel. Sometimes, I get a bit short with my mom for similar reasons. I have had a few talks with her to let me get one thing or another done before I can talk to her or help her. She forgets and will try to grab me when I'm reading, doing laundry, etc... but I'll remind her that I'm in the middle of something, right then, and she's been pretty understanding. The "something" might be a chore I just want to get done or it might be something for me, like reading a book.

I'll admit that it now takes me practically forever to finish a book, though.

I've been helping care for my mother 7 years now. She was in assisted living and is now in a board and care home. I'm fortunate that she saved her pennies and doesn't have to live with me, but no matter where she is, they always call "the family" when there's a problem. When mom was independent, I had a part time job, and we traveled a lot. Now I worry about leaving town, let alone the country. The last time we took a vacation, mom wound up in the hospital, and I spent a lot of my time trying to stay on top of everything long distance. My husband and I are in our early 70's, so want to do more traveling, while we're still in good health. I've decided to be selfish, book a trip and count on the staff at the board and care to handle any emergency. Amazing how well you can stay in touch with a cell phone and a laptop.

Currently, I can only leave town for the day. Mom is confused is the mornings. I have to be there to get her started with her day. Fortunately, I don't need to be around for the evenings, so she can get to bed without me.

However, that's kind of my own choice, in a way. I haven't gotten motivated to find someone to "watch her" if I wanted to go away for a couple days. Also, I dread bringing it up with her as I know she's going to be hurt that I'm getting a "baby sitter" for her. I'm trying to think of the best way to broach it with her. Additionally, need to get my butt in gear and figure out how best to do this.

I kind of want her to stay at home so that she's not disoriented in a strange place, but I'm not sure how to go about finding the right person to stay here. I've looked into respite care, but some of the facilities seem to have a limit of two weeks and that would be too long and too expensive.

So, while there are ways to get a little time to ourselves, it's not always easy to figure it out, either.

I began taking care of my dad at my home in "2005" when he was diagnosed with dementia, he passed in "2010" and the following month my mom moved in because she was having a hard time taking care of herself due to heart problems. At the beginning I was just happy because I could care for them. However, after a few years with my mom as she began declining in health and had no one else but me and refused for a caregiver to come to the house and me being the obedient daughter that I was, I just took it all on myself. - I start being rude and resentful; I felt like I was drowning. In April of this year my mom passed away and I am now dealing with the regret of my actions that last year she was alive. I did not want to have any regrets about the care of my parents and that is why I cared for them. - Right now that is all I have,
-There is so much help out there for caregivers, if the one you are caring for refuses, - do it anyway!

Amazingly, I've forgotten the person I used to be. I don't have regrets of taking care of my mother because it's my personal decision as her daughter. I've learned through the years that it's a double-edge sword that a caregiver has to balance to keep your sanity and health and it's not easy at all, especially with no or little help. But, after being majorly scared by some anxiety induced health 'issues', I know if I don't (force myself) to take breaks, I won't be good for anyone, including my self. I'm off to see a friend and daughter next week across country that I haven't seen in decades!... A much needed break for both my mother and I.

I am a 24/7 caregiver for my disable x-wife because her children will not care for her.How can I explain to them that i am burnout and need help.
I tell them but they don't listen. i have been taking care of her for 5 years with no help now I need help.

edwardo, maybe they don't want to know - maybe they feel fine knowing someone is taking care of her and that they don't have to do anything to make it happen. It might require more than merely telling them how much you're doing. If you want it to change, you might have to make it clear that you won't keep this up and that they need to work with you on a new plan. If they don't, that her money will start going toward whatever caregiver you pick to take over some/all of your responsibilities.

Can your children endure a couple hours - even if she doesn't want them around- for 1xweek or a similar arrangement? Your adult children can probably handle the situation OK. Wouldn't have the grand kids at her house. Is it possible for one family member to gather the grandkids and take them on a short adventure while you're getting a little time to yourself? This may free up a sibling to help.

I sure hope I can learn from all of this so when the time comes for me, I can try and ease the people that are caring for me (if I'm that lucky to have someone to do this). Of course, this is difficult when you're loosing your mental and physical control. So, I guess we have to do the best we can on both sides... But, on the caregiver side, we're the 'able' ones so we should do the best we can to keep our health... we need to get as much help as we possibly can, and sometimes that means 'forcing' ourselves to get out of the caregiving environment for a while (even if you have to pay someone).

I saw a female jogger today. She was straining as she ran. Around her waist was a leash and attached to that leash was a big old dog. Hmm, what a perfect metaphor for my feelings as a "caregiver"! Took that idea to my shrink. We discussed how I can only be free of this dog if I forgive the past and present, but she empathized how hard it is when I feel attached and hurt by my mother all the time. I am running towards my goal: detachement and let love and freedom ring. I imagine a big pair of sisscors to cut that leash.
How do you feel about that image for your situations?

Sometimes I entertain thoughts about killing her and committing suicide... It's the hardest thing I've ever done and we have a live-in caregiver helping. Even though I love her dearly and would never harm her, the abusive behavior she doles out lately and the garbled speech along with not knowing who I am is too much. She's 103 and until her last birthday in July, she was mostly lucid, but the poopy pants along with the denial over the past 4 months is just too much. What is "me" time? I'm lucky if I get to sleep through the night. Mostly I get 2 - 5 hours on good nights. She naps all day long. I also work full time from home running my own business/