I made the huge mistake of having my mom transferred from a nursing home facility that she was doing well in to one that was closer. What now?

As I lay here reading all the heartfelt messages, comments and advice that I have received from all of you who took the time to respond, my eyes well with tears and my heart swells in my throat, I have not felt so much genuine love and compassion from total strangers like I have tonight. People see me daily doing what I’m supposed to with both my parents and they forget that I’m human, that I’m in the forefront and that everything that my parents are going through is slowly killing me especially since there is nothing I can do to make things better. I will take every piece of advice that I received from every single one of you, I already had the rehab take her to a wound specialist for proper care this past Friday, I spoke to the social worker about moving her back and she’s on a “waiting list “ I have also started looking into hospice (as much as it scares me) because I feel like I’m giving up on her…. As for dad I received final notification that his long term benefits begins on 8-1 so I will research what’s best for him, I’m naive to all this and am learning as I go… I am so thankful to God for guiding me to this page and group!! For a very long time now I have felt very alone but tonight you have all changed that!! Thank you- I had a ruff day with mom not wanting to eat or swallow anything at all but reading your messages filled my heart! God Bless you All!! This Group is Amazing!!

After reading more about your mom's health I want to add to JoAnn's comment about the pressure ulcers - Kennedy ulcers are sores that can appear suddenly and progress aggressively at the end of life and for some reason many facilities are reluctant to give guidance and advise when this time approaches, have you considered whether she may be ready for hospice care?

I would be worried about that bedsore and the new ones. There should be a woundcare nurse on staff. My daughter is one and has worked (and still working) for the facilities that hired her. The reason for a wound care Nurse is that they know what to look for. Thats what they do wounds. Aides should not be doing the dressings because they have no idea what to look for. Having bedsores is serious.

Then there are Kennedy sores that present themselves when a person's body is shutting down. You may want to get Hospice to evaluate to see if its regular bed sores or Kennedy. If not Kennedy, then the NH is not turning Mom or giving her the right kind of mattress.

Grandma1954 July 29 2023 8:00 am
Bellasgirl69,
What I am going to say might not make a difference or it might make a huge impact.
When I was caring for my Husband any decision I made about his care was done with all good intentions. Decisions were made after getting as much information as I could so I could make an informed decision.
I went on the idea that as long as I made the best decision I could at the time O could rest easy at night.
You are in the same position.
The fact that mom was a main caregiver for your dad, the fact that she had a stroke and was in a coma for months...that is a LOT for a body to go through.
You say yourself that she survived against all odds.
It is possible that this has gotten to be more than her body can handle.
(Unfortunately there are statistics that confirm that many caregivers die before the person they are caring for)
PLEASE do not think that the fact that you moved mom had anything to do with her decline.
What is happening may well have happened to her where she was before and the only thing that would be different is that she would be further away from you.
(If this makes sense.. It is possible that she is allowing herself to stop fighting because she is closer.)

I do hope that there is a Wound Specialist that is seeing her and not just the nurse at the facility.
If her doctor or the hospital has suggested Hospice it might be appropriate and Hospice will have Wound Care Nurses that will tend to her and see that she is cared for.

Again PLEASE do not think that moving her made the situation worse.
((hugs))

The pressure ulcer is a huge red flag, ask for immediate care from a wound care specialist and an alternating pressure mattress overlay so she doesn't develop more. Document everything (pictures!). You might want to make a report to the ombudsman.

Why did you transfer her from the other NH?

It may be because you moved her from her friends, people she knew and was comfortable with, that includes the staff.

There is a personal element here that caretakers forget about when dealing with the elderly, feeling safe and trusting the people around them. When you moved her you disrupted her life, took away her comfort zone.

Can you move her back to her old home? What does she want?

Sorry about this, but one thing I find here is that caregivers do not do much homework before deciding how to care for someone who needs care to the point that they think everything will be a bed of roses, it is not easy and snap decisions are not the answer.

I wish you the best!

Can you have her transferred back? Can you have your dad admitted to the same facility?