I (34) have been caring for my grandma (86f) for the past 3 years.
I have tried everything but she wants a relationship with her daughter (my mother). There's a legal doc in place stating that she cannot be in contact with her daughter as there was abuse and neglect happening in that home. I dont speak her her for the past 10 years and good riddance. The daughter somehow got our address and they started talking on the phone behind my back. Then little things started to appear like vitamins gummies and .. stuff! I know I didn't but it and neither did my grandma.
Then I saw her with a new purse. I asked how she got it and where, just in convo, she said she had it for years...then months...the just a few weeks, says she can remember who gave it to her and then said yes it was her. I snapped be bc after all we have been through, all our conversations about not letting her in amd no contact, she is still calling her. I dont know what to do anymore. She is slowly getting dementia and im working double to keep us afloat. She doesn't get what she does hurts me emotionally... I started cutting again in my washroom just from the stress of it all and I can feel myself spiral down. I dont know what to do anymore.
I've got myself a therapist that's helping me move on with this situation.
- I dont think its fully dementia (i had the docs take a look and advise on this and they said if it is, its very early on).
- she has made it very clear that she is a mother first and keeps giving her adult children money while they do not help her at all.
- she still lies about it, and treats me like a child. she uses guilt to keep me in but i dont feel anything anymore
- I've hit my limit and I'm sticking to it. even if i have to lose this lease I'm in, I'm going to move where i cannot be found by her children or her.
- i wish i had a "normal" relationship with my grandma, my therapist has helped me see that I'm trying to get the love i wish i got from my mother from my grandma and it just keeps failing.
Do you have POA for health? Finances? If not I would get that in place. (I am sure someone else will add more info on this)
I would think you can also get a restraining order. This is for your mental health and safety.
If your mother will not stay away it might be that you will have to place grandma in a MC facility where visitation is more restricted.
I think your Grandmother has a right to see her daughter, good or bad. You are 34 and can have a life of your own. Think it maybe time to do what you need to do to move out of Gma's house. Have Gma evaluated to see what her needs are. I just read that cutting yourself is caused by anxiety and stress.
There was a doc signed by both of them due to a lawsuit that she cannot contact her but it seems impossible to enforce
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/feeling-the-weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders-how-can-i-deal-with-this-anxiety-468067.htm?orderby=recent
Things are not improving for you taking care of your grandmother, they're only getting worse, and now you're cutting yourself. Meaning you need to think about getting grandma placed and yourself OUT of this anxiety producing situation you're in. Grandma is NOT your responsibility; in fact, this is truly a matter between your mother and HER mother to solve.
With grandma getting or having dementia, you are not going to be able to 'convince' her of anything; trying to do so is a waste of time. Her brain is damaged now & nothing you say can sink in.
What you need to do is relieve yourself of this caregiving situation you've gotten yourself into, out of the goodness of your heart, and see your doctor for advice and/or medication to help you with anxiety. It's okay to take care of YOURSELF now. You're 34 and grandma is 86. You've devoted 3 years of your life to caregiving and that is enough.
Please take the advice you're given in good faith and help grandma find placement or care elsewhere now.
Best of luck.
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you've found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you're experiencing thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to experts at the 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!
If the stress of the situation is causing you to cut yourself, then this is the signal that the care arrangement is not working. You must be willing to relinquish the everyday, hands-on care to someone else before your young life spirals completely out of control. If it is dementia, it will only get worse -- and the demand on your life more intense.
You can call social services for your county and have a conversation with them to see what the options for your Grandma are. Much will depend upon her financial assets (NOT YOURS).
At the same time, please talk to a therapist for yourself. Your are the priority. Take care of YOU.
Straighten your spine, take charge like the adult you are, and make things right for you and your grandmother. If your mother is violating a court order, report it. Show your mother you're an adult and are taking care of business. She has no power over you now, so stop giving it to her.
YOU are in charge, YOU are strong, and YOU can do this.
That said… OP, please remember none of this is your fault. Treat yourself with kindness. That means no harming. You need another outlet to help deal with all this, and you need to talk it out with people who can help.