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I've been living with my fiancée for two years at his parents house and we have been together for 5. His mom tragically died last year so we are keeping my fiancé's dad company. At first I was totally supportive and helped in any way I could. I make food everyday, clean the house, my fiance cleans his bathroom, does his laundry (I help fold the clothes) and its getting to a point where I am feeling very frustrated. His dad has very bad spending habits, (He had this even before his wifes pasing) and my fiancee is always paying for his stuff that he actually needs. I want to have my own life with my fiancee and have a child together but his priority seems to be his dad right now. His dad is maybe around 56-60 and is very capable to do basic things but won't. He also seemed to move forward quickly regarding his wife's death and we suspect he is talking with another woman as they speak with eachother every night. Is it wrong of me to feel resentment towards his dad? I don't know what to do.

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Don't go into this, if he's that young this could go on for another 20 to 45 more years and just get worse and more involved. I know you want to help, and I can tell by your words that you love your Fiancé, but you must realize this is a life changing situation, and you are at a crossroads, please don't take that road. Maybe as a possibility get your own place for a while if you can, and if you can't, start the conversation with your Fiancé and his father, he must live out his own life somewhere where he can get professional help like in an Assisted Living facility (you can visit), or even at home with the help of an aide. You guys need your own place, so you can begin your lives together, Father must have his own life. It's good if he's having a relationship with another woman now, it means he's willing to let others in. And believe me you don't want his emotional life focused entirely on you two. Taking care of him is just way too much to ask of young people or anyone really. You're going to have to force the issue and not let it slide. I know it won't be easy. Maybe seek outside counseling with someone who is familiar with eldercare and all it entails, a counselor, therapist who knows the issues. And be careful who's advice you take, sometimes people have your best interests at heart but just give lousy advice. Good luck to you
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Reply to Elizta
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Today Nikki says, "I’m just following up on how I’m doing. I discussed what future plans he has for us and he said it was selfish of me to even bring this idea up. I’m too scared to leave on my own though. I guess I try to learn to love my life as is."

Your b/f is telling you that you're 'selfish' for wanting a life of your own without his father, which is flat out wrong. You're not selfish, you're a normal 29 year old woman.

Your b/f's father can live another 40 years, or 4 DECADES, while you wait on him hand & foot. Do you want that? To be his caretaker AND your b/f's caretaker for the rest of your life? What about having your own family? You'll then be expected to be the caregiver for the children, too.

At 29 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let FEAR stand in the way of doing what's right for YOU. Without risk there is no reward. If you settle for the crumbs you're thrown, you'll never know what could have been out there for you. Don't listen to a lie about being 'selfish' because you want a life free from your b/f's father.

If you truly WANT this life, then by all means take it. If you don't, then strike out on your own. You'll be fine. You are strong like bull.

You can do it!

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Nikki only posted this 2 months ago and has not been on the site since then.
How do these old posts get resurrected??
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worriedinCali Dec 29, 2020
OP resurrected it herself this morning by replying to NHWMs comment from 10/29. She said she is still too scared to leave.
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Even a couple years after we started dating, FMIL and FFIL started mewling about how they were going to build an in-law specifically for him to live in and maybe invite me.

My answer then was HELL NO. You want that, you go live there yourself. Now they are sick and I'm still like HELL NO if you want to stay unemployed and have your brother's wife lording it over you over every minute of your schedule, please, go live over there then.

You can't have both.

The FIL is possibly still in his 50s and you already can't stand him? Time to say HELL NO. Find yourself another place and if it's with him, make sure it's far enough away that he can't be honeydoing you or SO with all his daily requests.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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I don’t think your future FILs relationship status is any of your concern and you have no right to feel a certain type of way about him possibly talking to someone. His wife has been gone over a year. He is allowed to move on. He doesn’t have to sit at home consumed by his grief. It’s not up to you or anyone else to decide if it’s too soon
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PeggySue2020 Dec 29, 2020
She has the right to feel however she wants about this situation even if he ISN'T doing anything wrong. It's like with roommates, if there's not a fit it's best to eventually leave.
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I think I would stop considering the man your FIL; he's not until and if you are married, which I don't think is going to happen and shouldn't.

We've seen these Cinderella situations periodically here, and it's almost always the same.    Someone moves in with her BF or fiancée, anticipating eventual marriage, but instead becomes the housekeeper and more, and the BF relies on this and exploits it.

It's your life, your decision how you want to live it, and given that the elder man is NOT your FIL, you have no obligations to him.  

Spend some time away from father and son and re-evaluate the situation.  Do you want to be stuck being a lifelong babysitter for a fiancé's father?

It's not my intention to be cruel, but to be frank so you can see the handwriting on the wall.

There are several other threads in this search hit for similar situations.    If you have the time, peruse them, and you'll learn that this is not an uncommon situation.

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=man+wants+fiance+to+care+for+his+father
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I don't think marriage will go any better than being a fiancee is going. I would say that your partner has made the choice he/she has made. And you should now choose what you wish for your own life. Myself, I would have been out of there long ago. But this is YOUR choice. I wish you good luck with it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Tell your fiance that you are moving out and that he can either come with you or stay with his dad. His choice.
Sounds like his father is more than capable of being on his own, so time to let him live his own life and you guys live yours.(in a different home)
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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nikkilopp, my Mom came from the old school that the inside of the house was her "full-time job", thus Dad [95] never learned to boil water or run the washing machine. Sound like the same situation in your household.

I think it is great that you and your sig-other are helping his Dad. But after two years, you'd think your sig-other's Dad would have learned a thing or two. Stop spoiling him, and start teaching him how to survive on his own. Tell him women like men who can help around the house, especially if he is looking for a future mate. Women in his age group and younger would walk out the door if they had to wait on him hand and foot.
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If I were you ,i'd be quite frustrated too. Your fiances father is pretty young and you say will not do basic things but is capable. Then, if he were on his own, he would have to take care of his home, cook for himself, etc wouldn't he? Does he pay the mortgage, taxes on his house? Do you and your boyfriend have jobs? If you do, I suppose this has been an opportunity to save $ but after two years, it's time to leave and make a home yourself & fiance or on your own.
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Reply to peace416
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Your guy’s father is under 60, capable of caring for himself, quite happy for the pair of you young ones to do it all for him, bad with money but happy with bail-outs, and looking at a new relationship. Perhaps what’s holding him back is a doubt that it could be as good as now!

You young ones both need to move out, and leave Father to work out how to manage the rest of his life. This is a no-win situation for all of you. If your guy won’t do it, go yourself. You need to rock this boat. If your guy follows you, yes you do have a future together. If he doesn’t, you still have a future on your own. Quite frankly, this situation is a no-brainer!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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You can't do anything about the past other than learn from it. You have the opportunity now to change course. There are risks that are worth taking. This is one of them. Look ahead, don't look back. You are young. Things will turn around.

Lots of people have been in crappy relationships before. I can tell you that most people will treat you according to how you treat yourself. So I would advise you to respect and love yourself. You will soon find that you will attract the right kind of guy into your life.

I realize that all of us go through times of doubt. I am all for working things out when a relationship is worth saving. You have been more than generous with your time and your heart and have not seen any indication of your boyfriend respecting you more than his dad.

Take some time to reflect on the path this relationship has followed. It isn't going in the direction that you desire. Stop waiting on him to change course. Find the courage to take steps in the right direction yourself. See what happens. Will he follow? Who knows? Only you can decide if you want a future with him. I don't think I would take him at his word. I would want some sort of proof that you will be number one in his life.

You proved to him that you were patient, kind, compromising and so on. What has he proven to you?
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Your resentment is misplaced. It’s not your boyfriend’s dad that you should resent, it’s a boyfriend who’s an adult but choosing his dad above his own life and your life together. I’m sorry he’s not prioritizing you and your future, but consider it a blessing you found this out early on. You deserve someone who cares more for you and the future with your relationship as priority. Time to move on
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Why were you living with his parents?

Playing house in someone else's house looks very much like your life.

I think that both of you need to mature some before you get married and start a family. I think that you should move out and get your life on its path and let your fiance do the same.

Quite frankly, it's none of your business if this grown widow has a female friend.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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nikkilopp Oct 29, 2020
I didn’t want to move in a stay as long as I planned. His mom wanted me to move in so that we could save enough to buy our own home. I don’t play house at all, I don’t treat the house like it’s mine. I respect it and help maintain it, and keep my stuff away in the little space we have in our room. I would love to move out but my fiancée wouldn’t want me moving out on my own and he doesn’t want his dad living alone.

I will take the advice to grow and mature more before getting married, but again I am getting close to being 30. Thank you for your time and for your insight.
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Don't have children with this man until you're married and have your own home. His father (not your father-in-law) is your boyfriend's problem, not yours.

I suggest getting your own place and living your own life. I think you're too young to be in this kind of set-up.
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Reply to MJ1929
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This seems to be a dead end road. Don’t walk away, run away as fast as you can.

Two years is quite generous of you to pitch in and help. It is a long enough time for someone to get back on their feet after the death of a loved on one and move forward taking responsibility for their own life.

I am all about compassion and clearly you have been a caring person but I am not at all about being taken advantage of. You are being taken advantage of.

Enough is enough. You have seen the light. I don’t blame you at all for wanting your life back.

So what’s stopping you? A guy who is placing dad first? No thanks to that. He isn’t worth your time and energy.

It will sting for awhile but you will soon see that you made the right decision to leave a dead end relationship.

Wish them well and carry on with your life. One door closes and others will open. Please let us know how you are doing. We care.

All the best to you and your future. Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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nikkilopp Oct 29, 2020
Thank you for your response and insight.
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His dad is under 60? That is really quite young? What is going on with him that he cannot do his own things?
As to your boyfriend, I think that you should move out on your own now and understand that love is not the answer to everything. Get out before the fighting, the go-nowhere arguments, start. Get out while you can respect your BF and his decisions, and lend him support, while you make yourself a good life going forward.
And before you move in with another guy, look on this as your learning moment. Discuss it all. Money and family and who can move in and religious belief and political beliefs, and how decisions will made, ALL BEFORE you move it together.
Wishing you the best. Remember, whatever you DO it is your choice. This isn't really about your BF's Dad. It is about your BF and his choices, and whether you want to live with them or not.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Does your fiance even have a specific plan where his dad will be on his own? And you can actually begin a married life together? I suspect dad is quite happy as things stand. Basically you two are doing what his wife did around the house.
If dad is likely to remarry and establish a household with the wife, that would be one thing, but if not, this could drag on and on. As for the finances, if your fiance continue to enable spendthrift ways, he will get in deeper and deeper. It sounds like your guy is tied to dad's apron strings. Have you two talked this over and better yet, gone for counseling? He should be open and honest about the situation if he really intends to go for a normal married life. In some old-country cultures, a son acquires a wife, brings her into an extended family and she becomes basically mother's unpaid help or substitute housemaid if mom dies. All of us have unexamined expectation of how life is supposed to be - you have yours, but does he share the same viewpoint?
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