My Dad passed 6 wks ago. Legend. Miss him so. My Mom was Alcoholic from when I was 10 to 18 yrs old. Then she went in & out of a Manic phase for years on end. Sheer HELL. Not Depression. This showed up at my long ago wedding ...held firm on boundaries when my 1st child was born. Didn't let her see my Daughter 'til she was 5 mos old, until she came out of a Manic phase.. Last couple decades...the NPD & Borderline presented. She is 78. Every time I go to see her, every 6 days (2 hr drive) she wears me down: yelling, slamming her hand on her kitchen table, screams for me to not empty her trash (which I do), empty her dishwasher..load the few dishes in the sink.. She is 1 step down from being a hoarder. Soooo stressful for me. I am not a fighter. I take her to run a few errands, listen to illogical conversation..full of negativity & criticism. She does have intelligence & a wit about her, but mostly irritates me because of all the rest I have to endure. I work to be loving. *Question (and it's rhetoric)..I continue to respond with "I will be here to help you, but we will not be living together. I need to focus on career, my Kids, future Grandkids...life with them.. I want more travel, etc.. I am 58 & very active. She yells at me for being active... "you move too fast." I sit and play board games with her...and try my best to be loving as I can...but I can hardly wait to get in the car to drive home... Game plan is to when she needs it down the road bring in home care... I cannot/will not ever live with her. It would kill me.. Yet she continues to mention every visit "in time you can live here or I can live with you." I correct her rapid fast and say "not going to happen, but you will be taken care of & all will work out fine." I sound heartless..maybe? But I can't do it. I cannot and will not sacrifice my mental health and the rest of my life to this. She screams if I try to straighten anything.. Another Sibling is managing finances, which is FAB..and we all work well together behind the scenes.. But I am so tired of her repeating this.. Purposefully I do not stay over or the reverse. I have read too many of your personal stories. It would honestly destroy me to do more than I am... S.O.S. Appreciate your advice on how to word without being too harsh. I may have to repeat every visit but I will if need be... She is in gated community... so this is great... And a neighbor checks on her daily. I call twice a day.... I got back home 24 hrs ago but takes me days to come out of it...and then I am right back there...again.. PS Def some early onset dementia there too...PPS I have heard some say "I will care for you, but I have to do what is best for me too." Does that work? UGHHHH.
I was the help, or helping..
to prevent any change?
You are allowed to skip a visit if you are not up to it. You do not need to call twice a day if not available. You are allowed to hang up the phone if she gets nasty. You are allowed to tell her to stop yelling at you during your visit - frankly I would immediately leave. You should never feel guilty about saying NO to her. She has been this way for years and that will not change.
As others have mentioned - you and your siblings need to prepare a plan for when your mother needs more home care services. You should never be made to feel guilty about putting your health, mental sanity and your family before the demands of a toxic parent.
May The Lord give you comfort, peace and wisdom to deal with this new season in your life.
For your own sake (and health) though, you may want to look at what is driving you.
I know I have said this on these boards before, but if you haven’t had the lifelong habit of talking to your mother twice a day (as grown ups), why are you doing it now? If someone is able to live alone, they are also capable of getting by without twice daily checking from anyone. If they can’t, they shouldn’t be living alone.
People usually feel like they have to step into this constant communication when parents age. Part of it is looking out for the elder, but often it feels good to be caring for the person who didn’t treat you well… until it doesn’t feel good and then you just feel stuck. Most adults don’t call the same person multiple times per day… unless that person brings you great joy.
It is the same with people who visit daily. It is so often guilt-driven, rather than joy-driven. And then they burnout (or have a stroke or whatever.)
From what you have said, I would CALL once a week and VISIT once every three to four weeks. (I’ll bet you don’t feel so heartless now in comparison to me, right? Lol.)
I am not trying to sound harsh to the aging either. If it works for you, keep doing it. But, that constant stress is so unhealthy for you both mentally and physically.
As for her complaining or commenting about moving in - ALWAYS turn it back to her. YOU have no reason to be put on the defensive in this situation. If she complains… “That’s a bummer. What are you going to do about that?” If she responds that she will move in with you, just laugh and change the subject. Do it every time.
Remember, she can’t just move in without your ok so this really ISN’T something to worry about. Don’t even let the conversation get started.
If she is hoardish/not clean, that is not something you can fix. Let it go. She yells at you for cleaning, so why are you doing it?
If you look at a lot of this logically and from the outside, it is clear you are letting some old patterns - and probably the desire for your mom’s love - drive your actions. Your heart and health are worth guarding, my dear. If you can’t see that right now, just trust this stranger on the internet;) You count.
There are some people who really are just ok with not bringing joy to anyone else. It is a hard realization, but that is a choice that they make. You have an equal choice not to let them vampire your life’s joy.
Stick with the group here if you need language and new thought paradigms. There are some oddballs, but many posters on this site have walked your road and have good advice. Take good care.
”No, I couldn’t POSSIBLY do that!”
Maybe with a great big laugh, for extra emphasis! 🤪
It’s time for a new ‘team talk’. You have to stop this. It will precipitate a change for the worse (which would come eventually anyway). The team needs a plan for the ‘worse’, and it needs to be implemented ASAP. It would be a good idea to involve the neighbor in the plan, because at present neighbor is actually part of the team (and may have it much easier than you do).
Don’t just ‘cope with mother’ while this is so dreadfully bad for you and for everyone else for whom you have other responsibilities.
My mother has been living in AL and now Memory Care since 2014 (MC since 2019) and was on a kick for about a year where she was demanding to know why she couldn't come live in my house. She also got very angry with me, no matter what I said, saying that she KNEW I had plenty of room & that her wheelchair was 'no big deal' and that she was 'perfectly fine' and wouldn't require ANY help, in spite of the fact that she's fallen 95x to date. Her needs far outweigh my capabilities, so that's what I'd tell her every time she brought the subject up. That I'm only one human being and incapable of caring for her needs PROPERLY in my home, period. I love ya ma, but you are living where your care needs are seen to. You can't say the same to your mother b/c the situation is different, however.
In your case, you have to come up with a standard response that works for YOU. If that response is "I will care for you, but also have to do what's best for me", then use it. It doesn't really matter WHAT the response is, just that YOU feel comfortable with it b/c she won't buy it, one way or another, and will keep repeating herself over & again until you're drained. That's part of the early dementia cycle and part of the manipulation these women like to dish out. Tell her you love her but that you also need your privacy and your own space, but will do everything in your power to ensure she's safe & cared for. That's my suggestion. Then let it go. If you can't let it go sufficiently, then cut down your visits for a while b/c YOUR mental health matters TOO, not just hers.
I hope you can find peace with your decision here, my friend. It's hard, I know. Realize you're not 'wrong' here, you're just making a choice that suits you, and in the end, moving her in with you would be a mistake for BOTH OF YOU. I know b/c my grandmother lived with us growing up and it ruined my childhood. My mother martyred herself for no good reason; the two of them were oil & water. That's what made ME make the decision long ago to NEVER move my mother in with me. I've never regretted it. I lived the mistake years ago and vowed to never repeat it.
Best of luck!
I have found with my mom, very similar history, that telling her I will make sure she gets the care she needs, whether in home help or a facility, has stopped the pressure to make me say yes to her plan.
I have been told I am selfish for putting my foot down and saying she cannot ever live with me and my husband. I don't care what others think of me, they don't deal with her and her attacks on me, they aren't the ones wiped out for days from a phone call, forget about a visit. So you do you and what helps you to be able to deal with her.
Personally, I think that she sees how invested in her you are and she thinks/believes she can wear you down to a yes. Creating boundaries, like cutting your phone calls down when she crosses boundaries, not visiting every week, tell her, mom I am going to not visit next week because you won't stop with the pressure of cohabitation. It's never going to happen and I am worn out with it. Tell her what her future options look like. Your actions really speak volumes and she is pushing you because it has worked for her.
Drawing boundaries and implementing them, is difficult but, the stress you have from her will put you in an early grave.
You matter, the family you created matters, your mom matters but, not at the expense of any one else.
Honestly, none of us have that right, to suck someone else's life to prop us up and us not have to be in difficult situations, like a facility or strangers in our home. Tell her when she is pushing and tell her the truth about her options. It doesn't have to be harsh, it can be told quietly and with love but, not with hesitation.
Best of luck finding a way to not give your mom so much head space and so much stress.
I think it would help you to learn that possibly you should be doing LESS rather than more lest you reinforce your Mom's dependency.
Choose a good counselor and get the support you need. It will be so much better than having us laypeople try to reassure you that you are right. Your Mom has spent a lifetime making you WRONG, so we would be up against a formidable foe. You are doing well in trying to protect yourself; get the reassurance you need from a professional.
You won't ever change Mom. I know you know that. She is a very flawed human being. Get the help you need. My heart goes out to you.
There are options out there. Mom needs to get herself ready to take advantage of those options.
Just a suspicion... but is it because even though you are saying & typing "No, not gunna happen" deep deep down somewhere a teeny bit of yourself thinks you kinda should? Coz you really should help her, after all, she's family right?
If that is the case, reach down to that little thought & explain to it clearly. You CAN help her. But in OTHER ways as living together will not bring greater health or happiness to either of you.
Then practice your replies until your find something that feel natural. Deflect, truth, humour, crazy. Trot it out everytime she brings it up.
Live together?
You & me? Gosh no. How funny!
Nope. That's not going to happen. But I WILL help you find a nice home.
Maybe we will build an enormous cottage, in the mountains, by the beach, with a hundred servants & a private cook. With a moat filled with dolphins. Imagine! Make it silly, have a laugh.
I think when elders start with the 'you'll live with me' it can be due to fear. Fear of being alone, or fear of their future.
So another idea would be to sooth the fear. Not by agreeing to her request to live together, but with something reassuring. Oh you'll be just fine. And if not, we'll face it together.
Now, are you happy with the amount of time you spend with mom? Perhaps you need to back it off a notch? Visit once every two weeks or once a month? Let mom know that you cannot take the stress of weekly visits and that you will find her a companion to take your place because you need to take care of you too.
You most likely will not be able to get her to drop the topic of the two of you living together.
CM says "I think you're visiting your mother too much and doing too much for her, by the way,"
I agree! Are your siblings calling her twice a day? If it's only you doing things for her and calling her, why is that?
She is just one medical event away from needing more care. What's the plan for when that happens? (Hint -- YOU are going to be the plan if there is no plan.)
It's a fantasy. It isn't going to happen, and can't happen without your active agreement. Why does this push such a button with you? (question for you to reflect on rather than necessarily answer!)
How to answer? - don't! This is the tooth fairy. The Santa Claus. The Great Pumpkin. Why tread on her dreams? Mind, you don't *agree* either. You could just say "nope! :)" and move the subject along.
I think you're visiting your mother too much and doing too much for her, by the way, but that's a different matter.