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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Reva, I will be honest with you. I don't really know a senior in all the world who has said "Wow, I love it in my ALF; I wish I had come earlier. This is the happiest I have ever been".
A) End of life isn't about happiness. I am 83. I assure you that this is true. B) Life itself isn't about happy. I am 83. I assure you of this. If you get 50% happy you are THRIVING. You and your hubby, if you are together any amount of time, know this. C) You are not responsible for the happiness of anyone. You are not God. You aren't a fairy with a good wand. You aren't a Saint.
Listen. Be sympathetic. Mourn with her. His adjustment depends upon you acknowledging how difficult this is for him, and how difficult to stand witness to his difficulty adjusting. My brother, ever pragmatic, when he entered ALF said "You know hon, kind of like when I was young and in the Army. I didn't much like it, but I made the best of it." And that's about it now. You dear one will make the best of it, the worst of it, both intermittantly, and sadly there isn't a thing you can do but listen.
Tell him he's there under doctors orders and he can go home when the doctor says he's recovered enough TO go home. Then change the subject. Repeat as necessary. And hopefully he's in Memory Care Assisted Living and not regular AL where he can leave thru the front door.
With dementia, HOPE is the key. Tell him, "Soon, we are getting the room ready" "Soon, I had to call a repair person (roof leak)" "Oh yes! I want you home, too." I'm making the room safe for you." (balance issues, adding railings).
It is different when he says 'who will' vs I want to go home or when will I go home. If it is the 'who' question, tell him: "I am." That is all. Do not give any more information. Change the subject.
FYI: My companion/friend of 18 years in a nursing home (the best in the county) for one year begged every day to go home. Between his VA MD, nursing home MD, and me, we decided to let him go home and transition as needed. I was told by nursing staff that he was ambulatory (could walk to bathroom, etc). When he got home and sat in the recliner I purchased for him, he COULDN'T walk three feet to the bed and needed two men (I had to call friends) help him get to and into the bed; he never got out of the bed.
- I (he) spend close to $8K (?) or way too much over two weeks for caregivers (he lived alone and couldn't afford round the clock caregivers). - I was over there 1-2-3 x a day training caregivers and doing medication mgmt., and visiting. I was exhausted. - After two weeks, he had to go another nursing home (poor quality) and stayed there for another year until he died. When he went back to that 2nd nursing home, he said "I made a mistake."
In moments of fear, depression, overwhelm, sadness, in pain, lonely - a person wants what they knew / know or think what will 'help' them feel safer. This is understandable. This DOESN'T MEAN it is the best decision for their optimal welfare / best care.
Whatever you tell your husband, keep it short and give him HOPE. With dementia, he will forget and then you repeat "Soon, I'm getting 'our' room ready. I really love you and want you home, too."
Just because a question is asked does not mean you must answer. In lieu of answering, tell them something you need to do like bending down and adjusting the tie on your shoe. Offer them something, a sip of water, lotion for their hands, to change the tv channel. If those things do not work tell them you will be right back, leave the room for a few minutes then return and hopefully they will have moved on from that subject. Short visits multiple times a day are sometimes better than staying for hours at one time. Agitation will come on in the afternoons/evenings can be in the form of disliking everything, fidgeting or repetitive movements, asking for things that are not possible. Anti anxiety medications may be helpful not for you or staff to manage the person but so the person does not feel that sense of urgency about something. If it can be helped so they can bypass those kinds of things it’s overall better for them not to have that sort of stress come over them.
This is part of dementia called Sundowning. It's a very common behavior. It would be better to visit your husband in the mornings to avoid the Sundowning behavior. Also, is he on meds for any depression, anxiety, agitation? If not, maybe it's time to have this discussion with his primary care physician or whoever is overseeing his PD.
When my MIL (in LTC) would start asking when she could go home (she was completely bedbound and her house was sold) we told her that when she could demonstrate her ADLs to her doctor then she'd be reassessed for return. She didn't like this answer but at least we weren't the bad guys. Then we'd distract her or change the subject or roll her out to some activity or meal.
"home" can be anything from his past, or a sign of safety, comfort, wellness. Keep reinforcing that he is in his home. If you take him out when you are heading back tell him "I am taking you home" If you are going to have a gathering for the holidays talk to him about having people to his home. "George, I think we will come to your home for brunch on Saturday" Do not bring him home..to your home.. for any of the holidays. If you take him out to a dinner it should be in a restaurant. I would say not even a son or daughters home.
For my dad, I asked him what he liked best about his home. However, if that didn't distract him from not being there, or made him agitated, I changed the subject completely--to his favorite baseball players, or birds, topics I know he liked.
Sometimes I even said "I will take care of that for you" and he said "okay" and he seemed to be satisfied with that answer. Then he forgot about wanting to go somewhere else.
What I learned was that he seemed content that someone was going to take some action instead of telling him "no" all the time.
I also agree that when the anxiety was difficult for him to manage, an as needed anti-anxiety med helped settle him into a nice nap, which gave him peace from his worry.
This technique was sometimes helpful with my dad also when he had dementia. He would fixate on certain impossible things and if I said “I will look into it” or “I will ask the doctor” it sometimes satisfied him for a few days.
“Generally they are talking about their childhood home”. Have you tried having a conversation ABOUT their childhood home, and about their childhood generally? It might be another way to deflect!
I agree. My husband wants to go home to his parents (long passed away) and his little brothers (all grandfathers scattered all over the country). I tried initially to remind him that he and his brothers are grown up and suggested he tried calling them, but this was just confusing him. Also, his brothers never answer. I now just tell him that it's a long trip and we have to prepare, and we should make sure that somebody is home when we get there. I suggest that he calls them "when he has some free time", then change the subject. It seems to work at the moment. I tried the "tell me about home" question a few times, and the kindest answer was "none of your business". It seems to work for others.
"When we get the house brought up to standards for handicapped people, I will be taking you home. But, right now the doctors won't dismiss you. " I had an aunt who fell and crushed her left shoulder. My mom and I were going daily to be with her in the hospital. One day, she said she wanted me to take her home. My reply was, "I would love to take you home, but Dr. ? won't let me right now. " That shifted the burden onto him. She, of course, didn't remember my comment when he came in later making rounds. That was all there was to it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
A) End of life isn't about happiness. I am 83. I assure you that this is true.
B) Life itself isn't about happy. I am 83. I assure you of this. If you get 50% happy you are THRIVING. You and your hubby, if you are together any amount of time, know this.
C) You are not responsible for the happiness of anyone. You are not God. You aren't a fairy with a good wand. You aren't a Saint.
Listen.
Be sympathetic.
Mourn with her.
His adjustment depends upon you acknowledging how difficult this is for him, and how difficult to stand witness to his difficulty adjusting. My brother, ever pragmatic, when he entered ALF said "You know hon, kind of like when I was young and in the Army. I didn't much like it, but I made the best of it."
And that's about it now. You dear one will make the best of it, the worst of it, both intermittantly, and sadly there isn't a thing you can do but listen.
Tell him,
"Soon, we are getting the room ready"
"Soon, I had to call a repair person (roof leak)"
"Oh yes! I want you home, too." I'm making the room safe for you." (balance issues, adding railings).
It is different when he says 'who will' vs I want to go home or when will I go home. If it is the 'who' question, tell him: "I am." That is all. Do not give any more information. Change the subject.
FYI: My companion/friend of 18 years in a nursing home (the best in the county) for one year begged every day to go home. Between his VA MD, nursing home MD, and me, we decided to let him go home and transition as needed. I was told by nursing staff that he was ambulatory (could walk to bathroom, etc). When he got home and sat in the recliner I purchased for him, he COULDN'T walk three feet to the bed and needed two men (I had to call friends) help him get to and into the bed; he never got out of the bed.
- I (he) spend close to $8K (?) or way too much over two weeks for caregivers (he lived alone and couldn't afford round the clock caregivers).
- I was over there 1-2-3 x a day training caregivers and doing medication mgmt., and visiting. I was exhausted.
- After two weeks, he had to go another nursing home (poor quality) and stayed there for another year until he died. When he went back to that 2nd nursing home, he said "I made a mistake."
In moments of fear, depression, overwhelm, sadness, in pain, lonely - a person wants what they knew / know or think what will 'help' them feel safer. This is understandable. This DOESN'T MEAN it is the best decision for their optimal welfare / best care.
Whatever you tell your husband, keep it short and give him HOPE.
With dementia, he will forget and then you repeat "Soon, I'm getting 'our' room ready. I really love you and want you home, too."
Gena / Touch Matters
We are here for now, what do you think they will have for dinner?
We are here right now, when do you think it will snow?
Right now we are here, what do you think we should get the grandchildren for Christmas?
Try to ask open ended questions, not yes no questions.
When my MIL (in LTC) would start asking when she could go home (she was completely bedbound and her house was sold) we told her that when she could demonstrate her ADLs to her doctor then she'd be reassessed for return. She didn't like this answer but at least we weren't the bad guys. Then we'd distract her or change the subject or roll her out to some activity or meal.
Keep reinforcing that he is in his home.
If you take him out when you are heading back tell him "I am taking you home"
If you are going to have a gathering for the holidays talk to him about having people to his home. "George, I think we will come to your home for brunch on Saturday"
Do not bring him home..to your home.. for any of the holidays.
If you take him out to a dinner it should be in a restaurant. I would say not even a son or daughters home.
For my dad, I asked him what he liked best about his home. However, if that didn't distract him from not being there, or made him agitated, I changed the subject completely--to his favorite baseball players, or birds, topics I know he liked.
Sometimes I even said "I will take care of that for you" and he said "okay" and he seemed to be satisfied with that answer. Then he forgot about wanting to go somewhere else.
What I learned was that he seemed content that someone was going to take some action instead of telling him "no" all the time.
I also agree that when the anxiety was difficult for him to manage, an as needed anti-anxiety med helped settle him into a nice nap, which gave him peace from his worry.
I now just tell him that it's a long trip and we have to prepare, and we should make sure that somebody is home when we get there. I suggest that he calls them "when he has some free time", then change the subject. It seems to work at the moment. I tried the "tell me about home" question a few times, and the kindest answer was "none of your business". It seems to work for others.
I had an aunt who fell and crushed her left shoulder. My mom and I were going daily to be with her in the hospital. One day, she said she wanted me to take her home. My reply was, "I would love to take you home, but Dr. ? won't let me right now. " That shifted the burden onto him. She, of course, didn't remember my comment when he came in later making rounds. That was all there was to it.
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