I have checked in on my nutty almost 90 yo mom from time to time. My dad died of ALZ two years ago and she has (to be fair to her, natural) become worse since then but does nothing to help herself. My one brothers thinks my dad never had ALZ but after 60 years with a nut case his system just fried out. I am guessing he had ALZ but she exacerbated it
I can try to divide her issues into two: 1) an anxiety level that medical and mental health professionals have termed as "through the roof," "off the charts," etc. This anxiety tires everyone out as she just vents it on every one in her way. Her doctor told me she spends ten minutes with my mom and is worn out, she doesn't know how I put up with her
My mom had a pelvic fracture last year and during rehab they assigned a psychological nurse to her, who recommended her doctor prescribe a more potent medication. My mom takes (or is supposed to take) prozac, but this nurse said prozac for my mom is like trying to treat a brain tumor with two aspirin. Her doctor would not prescribe is as I think as a GP she is out of her comfort zone in the more heavy duty psych drugs, also I think was miffed a nurse tried to tell her what to do, but the final issue is she said, Karsten, what difference does it make? She won't take it anyway. And she is right. Whenever my mom gets a med she reads every word of those disclaimers and as you know they warn you of all kind of potential things that COULD happen though rarely do.
This past week a brother from out of state came in and along with another brother we tried to clear out her house of all the junk, papers, advertisements and coupons from the seventies, 50 42 gallon contractor bags of just JUNK. That was hard enough in itself, but she was around and bugged us and vented her anxiety on us so we could not even work well. By the end of the week I lost car keys two times and cursed and yelled at a waiter who made a mistake on the bill in a restaurant. I am no saint but have never done that, and just being around her just wears you out psychologically.
That is with everyone, the anxiety and hyperness.
The issue that is exhibited only with me is a demandingness, lack of appreciation and basic attitude I am her slave. I had a forced early retirement but fortunately I am financially OK so don't need a job, but she thinks I am available 7/24. She lives in an independent living facility that has a van to take you to appointments yet she refuses to use it, thinking I should take her everywhere. I guess that is my fault as I had been giving in but now am drawing the line., But then she tells me how much I must hate her, etc
I don't want to hate my mom but I am getting too. She and my dad were good parents when youngers in the sense they sacrificed financially to take us on vacations, put us in scouting, sports, good Christmases, etc. So she has done good things and I want to honor that but I really resent her.
Instead of appreciating what I do do, she just demands more and tells me how much her friends kids do for them. (they don't do nearly as much as I do, as one brother lives out of state and the other has his own issues, so it is me)
I have decided she will never change on the demanding, unappreciative, petulant bratty infant behavior. If I want to stay in her life I will have to accept that. But I can set boundaries and will.
But the high anxiety issue? I dont know what to do about that? She will not go to therapy or take drugs. I suppose I could draw boundaries there and refuse to help unless she gets therapy but she wont go Ten minutes with her wears me out, several days in a row causes me to lose weight, lose things (wondering if I have dementia myself, even though not quite sixty yet) yell at people, etc. I suppose like the selfish behavior, I could just prove to put up with it. My younger brother says I am going to crack, and he used to say that more symbolically. Now I am wondering if I really will go nuts from her.