Thank you everyone for your kind words I was indeed having a really rough night last night. I placed my father in a nursing home last year because I could no longer care for him in my home. The experience with the nursing home has mostly been a positive one their have been ups and downs to the place but I feel that this is to be expected . My father likes the people there and I do too. However I am suffering a lot with guilt and sadness from placing him even though I know it was in both our best interests . I am not going to take him from the nursing home because I believe many of you are right I would have to put him right back and that would be a terrible experience for the both of us . After my mother died and even when she was alive we took care of her together (she had frontal lobe dementia ) we were very very close . I see my dad every other day or everyday if I can I love to go play games with him like bingo and trivia we talk on the phone all the time I call every 2 hours or he’ll call me . It’s just very very hard . I have a therapist and life coach and both are very helpful . Thank you everyone again for responding to me I often come on this site to see other peoples questions and answers and it helps me feel not so alone in the realm of care giving . God bless you all . Caregivers are special people all of your loved ones are extraordinary blessed to have you . 💗
Maria has only posted 2x before this once in 2020 and once in Nov 2021.
Maria, I read your very first post and you were having a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia. You placed him in November. I suggest you read your first post and the replies then ur Nov post.
As I see it, you had a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia and stubbornness. In two years I doubt if he is any better. As a newly wed I really don't think it would be a good thing to bring him back to your home. Caring for someone with a Dementia is hard on a longtime marriage, on a new one it would be a disaster. Its really hard to get good help since COVID.
You have dealt with so much for a person of your age. First Mom to Dementia and now Dad. I can see why you want to hang on. But Dad is not the Dad who raised you. Nothing can bring that man back. The person Dad is now needs more care than any one person can give him. Visit, hug him, love him but let him be cared for by people who are trained to do the job.
I agree, that maybe you need to see a therapist. Just someone to talk to.
"I need my dad" should not be the reason you move him from managed care back home.
HIS needs should come first, not yours. This is about HIS needs, not yours.
Where is HE going to get the quality of care that HE requires? In your home with you doing all the 24/7 caregiving? Or in his nursing home where teams of people work in shifts to accomplish what you are trying to do single handedly?
What you 'want' to do and what you 'should' do may be two entirely different matters.
Remember that you can go visit him every single day in the NH if you so desire. And that you'll never 'lose' your father until he passes away, and even then, he'll be with you in spirit.
Best of luck making a decision that takes your father's best interests to heart.
I suspect Maria was just venting, knows she can't bring him home, and isn't going to return to this thread to see our answers. Just a hunch, but I could be wrong. No judgment here.
@Mariavictoria - I understand your pain. I just moved my mother back home - unexpectedly - with me and my husband after 5 months in memory care. I wish I could tell you definitively to move him or not to move him, but you're going to need to make some hard assessments before making any move. Some questions to consider: What is your most pressing reason for wanting him home? Is the care facility not performing up to your standard of care? Is his health declining? Are you considering his health condition and its impact on your quality of life once he's home? Have you considered any alternative solutions? Will you be able to provide him a safe space? I hope that whatever decision you make, it will be with the goal of improving or maintaining HIS health condition and not so much about assuaging your feelings or emotions. ❤️
Decisions should be made with your head and not your heart. I see you're taking your father out of the NH to bring him to your home because your are having guilt feeling and not because of a medical advantage for him. People tend to remedy guilt feelings with self-punishment and this is what you're doing. Hopefully, your father won't suffer any health consequences during your guilt's self-treatment. People who tend to have guilt feelings, will always have them. Self-punishment won't clean you up from guilt. That's a problem that has nothing to do with our father.
Appears to be some deep rooted codependency going on here. Talk to him every two hours and visit daily, wow, how do you have time to live your life?
And, how can he adjust to his surroundings and his new way of life with you hovering over him 24/7?
I am glad that therapy is helping you, keep going as there will be even more hurdles to jump over in the future, as most likely, one day you will have to live your life without your father. Then what?
I feel for you. Felt the same with my Dad. His behaviors at home were out if control. He became a sexual predator to my mom when nobody was around. He put her in harmful situations. The day he came after me and even denied having a daughter, did not know who I was, then started swinging a cane at me, was his last day home. I had to call 911 then the next day my siblings and mom signed him into a memory care facility. 5 years after his death I still carry guilt over being the one to call 911, which ended his home time. I know what was best was done but you can't reason with the guilt. It's just human nature coming from a place of great love. I would spend 4 days with him a week and volunteered for all the homes activities. Dad didn't want no parts of activities if I didn't take him. After his death I was asked to work there in activities 2 days a week. I was hired and stayed there as an employee for 14 mos. It was a great experience as I fell in love with so many while Dad was there. The birth of my first grandchild was the day I quit to become nanny while my daughter worked. Went from 90 somethings to newborn. I wouldn't trade my time at the nursing home for anything. It was a great experience for me after Dad was gone. Good luck to you, sounds like your doing a great job. Don't second guess yourself.
Maria, I read your very first post and you were having a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia. You placed him in November.
I suggest you read your first post and the replies then ur Nov post.
As I see it, you had a very hard time dealing with Dads Dementia and stubbornness. In two years I doubt if he is any better. As a newly wed I really don't think it would be a good thing to bring him back to your home. Caring for someone with a Dementia is hard on a longtime marriage, on a new one it would be a disaster. Its really hard to get good help since COVID.
You have dealt with so much for a person of your age. First Mom to Dementia and now Dad. I can see why you want to hang on. But Dad is not the Dad who raised you. Nothing can bring that man back. The person Dad is now needs more care than any one person can give him. Visit, hug him, love him but let him be cared for by people who are trained to do the job.
I agree, that maybe you need to see a therapist. Just someone to talk to.
HIS needs should come first, not yours. This is about HIS needs, not yours.
Where is HE going to get the quality of care that HE requires? In your home with you doing all the 24/7 caregiving? Or in his nursing home where teams of people work in shifts to accomplish what you are trying to do single handedly?
What you 'want' to do and what you 'should' do may be two entirely different matters.
Remember that you can go visit him every single day in the NH if you so desire. And that you'll never 'lose' your father until he passes away, and even then, he'll be with you in spirit.
Best of luck making a decision that takes your father's best interests to heart.
And, how can he adjust to his surroundings and his new way of life with you hovering over him 24/7?
I am glad that therapy is helping you, keep going as there will be even more hurdles to jump over in the future, as most likely, one day you will have to live your life without your father. Then what?
Take care of you!
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