I just put husband of 52 years in memory care 4 months ago. I'm not getting over it like I should. I cared for him for over 10 years. Advice?

This is a terrible terrible loss. You have recognized he will not get better. And he was what you have at the end of your life as well, no matter his condition. Caregiving often gives spouses a "second wind" when they are so needed and now it is like stepping off the end of the earth. Allow yourself to feel this. There is no time limit. Many will not understand and will want you to move on for your "own good", but your own good is what is good for YOU. NOTHING is wrong with you. Your feelings are normal. Everyone is different. It may be several years for this to ease off a bit, and as long as your husband is alive and in the care of others there will still be so many conflicting feelings.

There is nothing wrong with you. You just put the love of your life in a MC. You are grieving over the lost of the man you knew, love, and shared your life with of course it is hard. Have you thought about finding a therapist to help you get your emotions to line up with what your brain knows. (That you did the right thing!) You could no longer care for him, so you did what was best for both of you. You did what you did out of love. Don't let any thing or any one tell you different. I am just so very sorry that this is happening to you and you are having such a hard time!

Sending you much love and hugs. And remember we are always here for you.

Call your doctor so that he or she can prescribe you medication and also see a therapist for talk therapy. It works. You don't need to suffer.

Sister 46,
Who says you are supposed to "get over it"
This is like a death. And no one should tell someone that is grieving to .."get over it".
You did the best that you could for as long as you could.
And you did not care for him for over 10 years, you cared for him for 52 years and I am sure a few years before that even.
I told myself when my Husband was diagnosed with dementia (Alzheimer's and Vascular) that I would keep him home as long as it was SAFE. Safe for him and safe for me.
I am sure your husband would not have meant to harm you but what would have happened to him if he had hurt you? You may have been injured to the point that you would have been hospitalized and then where would he be? What if he had killed you? (a friend of mine has permanent back injury due to her husband shoving her up against a wall. She placed him after an incident where she woke up when he wrapped one of his hands around her throat and had a knife in his other hand)
On the other side of the coin how would you feel if he started resisting while you were caring for him and because of that he got injured? I am sure the guilt would consume you as much as this does.
By the way another thought, you might want to talk to your doctor about this stress and depression. There is a fine line between depression and grieving talking with a therapist might help (although might have to be a tele-conference at this point.)
Keep staying busy. We are all on pins and needles at this point.
There is nothing wrong with you do not let anyone tell you there is.
Stay strong, stay healthy!

Have you spoken to your doctor? A loss of interest in everyday activities that have previously given you joy is a symptom of clinical depression.

Treatment works! Please put in a call today!

sister46, there’s NOTHING AT ALL “wrong with” you. You!re reacting in a very natural way to a terribly painful loss, everything in the news is frightening and dark, and you’re frustrated in your desire to at least be near your husband in his new surroundings.

Have you any social connections, even online? There are some VERY good people here, and although all of us have different stories, we all are living in situations in which we are caregivers for Loved Ones, or sometimes not too lovable relatives/friends.

We do our best to keep a stiff upper lip, but I think I can safely say that ALL of us definitely understand your feelings, and welcome you for whatever we can offer- sometimes it just helps to know that there’s someone around who knows how much work you had over the years you were caring for your husband at home.

So summing up, you’re doing ALL YOU CAN right now, and it’s OK. PLEASE come and let us know when things get tough. Somebody will be here, I guarantee it!

When I was going through similar with my Mom, a consular told me going through Alzheimer's with a loved one is going through steps of grief even before death. Loosing the person they were each day. Just hearing that was such a help to me in explaing why and how I felt. I now remind myself of the same as I now go through it with my hubby of 60 years. I try to focus on the things and times we were fortunate to enjoy together not the loss of the person he once was. Now is the time to focus on what is best for him and yourself. Just as when we were children, often we didn't understand why we had to do what we were told to do, but it was best for us. The care you have placed him in is best for both of you. It is so hard. We want to fix everything, but we can't. My heart goes out to you. You have been the great fixer, helper for years. Now it's time to be YOUR helper, fixer for yourself. Each day do something for yourself. It takes time. Put your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder and squeeze real hard. We all deserve super big hugs!!!!

I think it's partly grieving. So, maybe depression due to the loss of your husband.

It's a big change. Maybe you need to see someone, maybe you could benefit from a med (or from some natural supplements and behaviors to fight depression).

Nothing wrong with you. In sense there would be something wrong with you if this didn't overwhelm you. It would overwhelm anyone.

So while it is hard, and none of us know how long this will last and how long we will have to wait it out, don't punish yourself for thinking something is wrong with you.

Dear Sister46. Grief has no expiration date. Your burden is enormous. You have done your best for years. This thread is unique to me in the years I have participated on AgingCare. In what way? Well, you are the ONLY one who answers just about every post from others. You are eager to get the information and facts you need in order to feel better.. You are not isolating from the rest of us. I am encouraged that you believe in God, as witnessed by your words "Thank God...." One of the psalms says, "WHEN I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." TRUST involves FAITH, which of course is the conviction that what you don't understand or even begin to fathom, is true and will occur. You WILL get better. The psalm does not say "IF I am afraid, but WHEN." It is part of the human condition. In my view, "AFRAID" may be interchanged with "DEPRESSED," "ANGRY" and other negative emotions that we all have at least at times. You are blessed to have had a TRUE soulmate in your marriage over the years. (So many do not experience this depth of joy.) Alas, he no longer knows you, or perhaps even that you are in his presence at the MC. But you know him. When you visit, you may want to sing some of the songs/hymns that meant much in your lifetime together. He and you will again know one another in a better way than ever in the bye and bye.
May God shower you with His choicest blessings in your sorrow.
Bob in North Carolina