Thank You AlvaDeer, NobodyGetsIt and Lealonnie1. You all had such great advice. My gut told me to slow down and wait before broaching the subject, and each of you reinforced that. I will also do more research and try the additional reading material that you suggested. Thanks for being there.
In your profile you say your husband suffers from dementia. A preoccupation with sex often comes along with dementia, including insistence on having sex with one's spouse even when ED is present. Aggression is not uncommon either, and we read about it here ALL the time. Even though your husband is not forcing himself on you, he's preoccupied suddenly with sex, and watching it on screen, which is something that should raise a red flag for you
Don't get upset that your husband is watching porn; call his doctor instead and discuss it with him. See if the doctor would like to prescribe a medication for your husband to ward off the potential for this preoccupation with sexual matters to explode into an aggressive need for it 24/7.
I think you are much better off knowing such issues exist and dealing with them before they become a HUGE problem than stressing over the fact that your husband is looking at 'other women' on screen. Dementia is a complicated brain dysfunction and has nothing to do with you not being a good wife.
You're right about the dementia aspect being a complex brain dysfunction and even though it has nothing to do with "Confused5" not being a good wife, I know from other women's experiences how difficult it is not to feel like they aren't or weren't "enough" - I read it over and over and over again. They find it very difficult feeling like they have to "compete" with images that once were just "airbrushed" to now involving heavy "filtering" and "facetuning" which creates such a dramatic illusion that there's no way even with going through plastic surgery (that often gets botched) that they could feel good about themselves and end up feeling just as insecure and the comparing continues.
NobodyGetsIt has marvelous advice for you. I could never top it. I think it is important that this be brought into the open at some point, and I believe you are the one who can do that. I say that because your message to us reflects heartbreak and surprise so much more than anger, and an understanding of where some of this comes from. I also believe it is important that you not confront this while you are confused, but when you know more what you yourself feel. Right now there has to be some shock. I think it is very important to understand as well that there is "porn" and "porn" and not all porn is the same. There is exploitation of children and the world of porn often exploits vulnerable women of all ages. Those with addiction to anything involving the underaged I think are in need of SERIOUS psychological help. And there can also be violent porn, all the way up to and including snuff films on dark web. Because of this, all things aren't equal. Given that there is no descent into the things I have mentioned, but just (--how to say this--regular old porn?) standard porn I think how you precede should be explored by you yourself with possibly some guidance. I would be in the office of a good psychologist myself, to comb out how to proceed and how I WANT to proceed. You have not mentioned any dementia. I am assuming it does not exist. Again, I think that NobodyGetsIt has amazing advice, and I start with her reading recommends. I hope you continue to get more good advice here. I hope you will update us. I admire your courage in bringing this forward and I believe you cannot be alone.
I see it as similar to going through the stages of grief with "shock, heartbreak and anger" being the first emotions one goes through.
You are right in saying that there is extremely violent porn as well as the child pornography that I mentioned as well.
"Confused5" needs to do as much research and get informed as soon as possible so if she goes into a confrontational and/or professional counseling situation, she has something to back up what she says.
Our Associate Pastor and his wife, who was a counselor for children, both retired from the church many years ago to become involved in sex trafficking of minors in another state because the problem is rampant.
Due to the Internet and smartphones, pornography has become a huge issue for many wives and girlfriends. They can access it 24/7 and on their smartphone can even hide it under various apps making it much harder to discover. Gone are the days where they would have to seek these things out in "seedy" places or the wrong side of town.
I know that some men do it as a means to ease their anxieties and having ED can certainly be one of them but, the pornography can also be the cause of the ED. There are studies where younger and younger men are struggling with ED because they are engaging in this activity for lengthy amounts of time. Please don't buy into the "lie" it's just men being men either or "everybody does it."
If you decide to confront him, you probably should do it when you have calmed down as hard as that may be. They don't listen if you're yelling, screaming, giving ultimatums etc. There is a YouTube video about the affects of pornography on the brain called "Your Brain on Porn" that the two of you could watch together to see that it's not just something that affects just himself. There is also a book called "Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction" by Gary Wilson.
Since you don't know how long this has been going on, it's hard to know how far he's gotten into it - I suspect it's been longer than you think. It starts out as maybe soft core but eventually, that's not enough. Given enough time it can turn into all sorts of perversions. Ted Bundy talked to Dr. James Dobson about the role of pornography and what led him to become a killer. I'm not saying your husband would become a killer, I'm saying how dangerous it can become for some and that it almost always progresses i.e. child porn etc.
If you don't feel you can deal with this conversation on your own, by all means set up an appointment with someone who specializes in this area to help you two have the conversation with a professional.
I wish you both the best - I know how devastating this is to you as both a woman and his wife. You may also want to read the book "An Affair of the Mind," by Laurie Hall a great read. Having worked in a church setting, one of our Associate Pastors even held a group for men regarding Pornography and Sex Addiction. It was difficult for me to know which members of our congregation had these issues.
My first boyfriend in high school unbeknownst to me until I saw him briefly in 2015 had this problem - he still does at the age of almost 60 and I learned his father has been engaged in it all of his life and he's now 80. It was devastating to me after all these years (because I loved him) to realize 40 years too late. He has an addictive personality so was also involved in drugs and sex addiction. There is a fine line between sex addiction and pornography.
Don't get upset that your husband is watching porn; call his doctor instead and discuss it with him. See if the doctor would like to prescribe a medication for your husband to ward off the potential for this preoccupation with sexual matters to explode into an aggressive need for it 24/7.
I think you are much better off knowing such issues exist and dealing with them before they become a HUGE problem than stressing over the fact that your husband is looking at 'other women' on screen. Dementia is a complicated brain dysfunction and has nothing to do with you not being a good wife.
Wishing you the best of luck!
You're right about the dementia aspect being a complex brain dysfunction and even though it has nothing to do with "Confused5" not being a good wife, I know from other women's experiences how difficult it is not to feel like they aren't or weren't "enough" - I read it over and over and over again. They find it very difficult feeling like they have to "compete" with images that once were just "airbrushed" to now involving heavy "filtering" and "facetuning" which creates such a dramatic illusion that there's no way even with going through plastic surgery (that often gets botched) that they could feel good about themselves and end up feeling just as insecure and the comparing continues.
I think it is very important to understand as well that there is "porn" and "porn" and not all porn is the same. There is exploitation of children and the world of porn often exploits vulnerable women of all ages. Those with addiction to anything involving the underaged I think are in need of SERIOUS psychological help. And there can also be violent porn, all the way up to and including snuff films on dark web. Because of this, all things aren't equal.
Given that there is no descent into the things I have mentioned, but just (--how to say this--regular old porn?) standard porn I think how you precede should be explored by you yourself with possibly some guidance. I would be in the office of a good psychologist myself, to comb out how to proceed and how I WANT to proceed.
You have not mentioned any dementia. I am assuming it does not exist.
Again, I think that NobodyGetsIt has amazing advice, and I start with her reading recommends.
I hope you continue to get more good advice here. I hope you will update us. I admire your courage in bringing this forward and I believe you cannot be alone.
I see it as similar to going through the stages of grief with "shock, heartbreak and anger" being the first emotions one goes through.
You are right in saying that there is extremely violent porn as well as the child pornography that I mentioned as well.
"Confused5" needs to do as much research and get informed as soon as possible so if she goes into a confrontational and/or professional counseling situation, she has something to back up what she says.
Our Associate Pastor and his wife, who was a counselor for children, both retired from the church many years ago to become involved in sex trafficking of minors in another state because the problem is rampant.
Due to the Internet and smartphones, pornography has become a huge issue for many wives and girlfriends. They can access it 24/7 and on their smartphone can even hide it under various apps making it much harder to discover. Gone are the days where they would have to seek these things out in "seedy" places or the wrong side of town.
I know that some men do it as a means to ease their anxieties and having ED can certainly be one of them but, the pornography can also be the cause of the ED. There are studies where younger and younger men are struggling with ED because they are engaging in this activity for lengthy amounts of time. Please don't buy into the "lie" it's just men being men either or "everybody does it."
If you decide to confront him, you probably should do it when you have calmed down as hard as that may be. They don't listen if you're yelling, screaming, giving ultimatums etc. There is a YouTube video about the affects of pornography on the brain called "Your Brain on Porn" that the two of you could watch together to see that it's not just something that affects just himself. There is also a book called "Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction" by Gary Wilson.
Since you don't know how long this has been going on, it's hard to know how far he's gotten into it - I suspect it's been longer than you think. It starts out as maybe soft core but eventually, that's not enough. Given enough time it can turn into all sorts of perversions. Ted Bundy talked to Dr. James Dobson about the role of pornography and what led him to become a killer. I'm not saying your husband would become a killer, I'm saying how dangerous it can become for some and that it almost always progresses i.e. child porn etc.
If you don't feel you can deal with this conversation on your own, by all means set up an appointment with someone who specializes in this area to help you two have the conversation with a professional.
I wish you both the best - I know how devastating this is to you as both a woman and his wife. You may also want to read the book "An Affair of the Mind," by Laurie Hall a great read. Having worked in a church setting, one of our Associate Pastors even held a group for men regarding Pornography and Sex Addiction. It was difficult for me to know which members of our congregation had these issues.
My first boyfriend in high school unbeknownst to me until I saw him briefly in 2015 had this problem - he still does at the age of almost 60 and I learned his father has been engaged in it all of his life and he's now 80. It was devastating to me after all these years (because I loved him) to realize 40 years too late. He has an addictive personality so was also involved in drugs and sex addiction. There is a fine line between sex addiction and pornography.