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My mother, sister and I have placed my father in a VA hospital and they are taking excellent care of him, but I feel guilty for putting him there. He had a major stroke before Thanksgiving last year and we tried taking care of him at home with home health coming in and helping out, but it was still too much to deal with...mom has a bad neck, I have a bad back and my sister works all the time. I'm the only one that feels guilty about putting him in a home and although I know he's in the best place possible for him, he still asks me every day when can he come home. I don't know how to get over it, or at least come to terms with it, I'm hoping someone can give me some advice on how to let this go....I cry all the time, especially when I am leaving him there....And even though I know he's being taken care of I still feel like a terrible child....I'm desperate for some peace of mind....

I can't put it better than IsThisReallyReal did. We are doing exactly that same thing right now with my grandfather. We cannot physically keep him safe at home, even with us there. My health is not in a very good place either.
We get daily questions about going home and how long will he be there, so we focus on telling him that he needs to keep working with the physical therapy, swallowing, etc, so that he can be stronger. We know that he can improve, but not to the point of being safe at home. Take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself too and know that you are doing everything to keep him safe and well. The fact that you even posted this shows how much you care.
Someone mentioned seeing someone for your health too. I totally agree and have just set up appointments to do the same with a doctor and a therapist. If we are emotionally and physically better equipped, we can hopefully make things a little better with each visit. Sending hugs to you.
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Reply to Ash1984
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Getting older and not being able to care for yourself in the way you'd like to... that has to be so much frustration and unhappiness, by its nature. I watched my grandmother cry for years as she slowly lost her independence. She felt so betrayed by that, and would ask god to go ahead and take her a good decade before she finally passed at 103.

In a better world -- and arguably maybe we should all be striving for these kinds of advances to elder medical care approach -- there would be more attractive options. There would be a live-in nurse, perhaps, who could help keep your dad safe in the comfort of his home.

This option doesn't exist for you, sounds like. If you could pay for this, you would, I'm guessing. The only other option is for him to come home and then not get appropriate ADLs and health care for his current problems... is that correct? And that's not a choice that many want to make, to consciously risk serious problems or death, in order to be at home.

Drop the guilt, if you at all can. It's not there for any reason except that you'd like better for your dad. I get that. But if something better were a reasonable option here, you would do that.

When we don't have choices in life, acceptance is a gift. Try to accept that you're doing the best you can. That's all any of us could want from a caregiver.
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My heart breaks for you. It is so hard to see our dads in the hospital and helpless. However, your dad is getting the care he needs and deserve. There is no reason for you to feel guilty. He is where he should be and was placed there out of love. Guilt implys that you are doing something bad. You just need to tell yourself that your dad is in good hands and you and your family did what is best for him. And do what Isthisrealyreal stated keep telling your dad he can go home when he is better and talk to him about the things he likes or old funny moments that you've shared.

I know this is a very difficult time for you, but it will get better. You just have to hold on and not faint. When your mind wants to go to those dark places just start thinking of the good memories of your dad and you. This is what I do when I start missing my dad.

I am sorry that you have to go through this.


Hugs
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Laceysterror Mar 15, 2019
thank you so very much for your kind words. it was nice to hear.
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Lacey, I can't count the number of posts I've read on this site in the last 2 years that said the parent was constantly begging to come home. Many of them then settled down; sometimes it took a few weeks, or several months (which was the case with my client/friend who is in AL) She participates in activities now and has a couple of people she's friendly with, as do most of the others I mentioned. Since you really know he's too much for you all at home, try and become the cheerful visitor/daughter and entertain him when you come. My friend tells me often how much she appreciates me and what I do for/with her....
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Laceysterror
I always try to read a posters bio before I try to answer their question.
You made yours back before you placed your dad in the Vet home. You were feeling guilty then.
It sounds like you logically know your dad is in a good place but you are emotionally unable to handle his situation.
Perhaps you are grieving the loss of your daddy before he is gone? That does happen.
Why not visit your primary doctor, get a physical and perhaps an antidepressant? Perhaps you can find a therapist to help?
A good diet and exercise program can also help.
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. Try to get better so you can enjoy this last chapter of your parents life. Your bright smile would do more to lift their spirits than your tears.
Big hugs Lacey
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Laceysterror Mar 15, 2019
well made me cry lol...I have either thought of or had a fleeting moment on all these...I'm trying to have a relationship with him now...
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Oh, I am so sorry. It is hard to put a parent in a facility.

When he asks when he can go home, tell him when he is well enough to take care of himself. This can help you not feel so bad and it may motivate him to do the best he can to get better. If he is as good as he will get, it still helps deflect that hard question.

You shouldn't feel bad or guilty, you guys tried, he needs more care now and as you said, he is getting it. Guilt is what we feel when we have done something wrong, you have not done anything wrong, cast that thought out every time it tries to enter your head.

Continue to visit and be creative with ways to make it a pleasurable time for both of you. It gets easier, I promise.

You will get through this. It takes time is all and an hour feels like a week, be gracious to yourself right now.

Hugs! And welcome.
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Laceysterror Mar 15, 2019
thank you for your kind words :) it's nice to hear..
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