I haven't been been to visit my mom at the nursing home for several weeks because my husband is sick. Am I a bad daughter?

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My mother is in a home with Alzheimer's disease. My father visits every day and my brothers go at least once or twice a week. I was going on the weekends, but my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and has now started chemo. I find it hard to leave him as he often needs help with meals, sickness, etc. ...so I haven't been to visit my mom for several weeks. I feel like the worst daughter but I also feel that my priority is my husband. When I visited before she would always say, "You should be home taking care of your husband..." Now that she has gotten much worse (not walking or talking - sleeping most of the time) and with my husband being sick, I find that I don't want to go visit. Nursing homes have always bothered me and now that she is in this state I find I don't want to go. Am I a bad daughter??

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No, you a are a good daughter. Your priorities are what your mother would want - taking care of your husband and yourself. Be good to yourself, it is what your mother would want. Best wishes!
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Reply to chdottir
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"...and now that she is in this state I find I dont' want to go. Am I a bad daughter??"

Absolutely not!

Your priority is your husband and is rightly so. It sounds like you're stressed too thin and about to burned out. You need to take care of yourself too.
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Reply to polarbear
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You are a good daughter. You were there for your mom when she knew you and needed you most.

Her generation put husbands and kids 1st, as it should be. So right now, she is proud of you for doing what she taught you.

If I was your mom, I would say I couldn't be prouder of this woman I call daughter. She has her priorities straight.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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of course you are not a bad daughter.
don't tell yourself that.
no one can be everything to everybody.
its a scary time. and so maybe you don't want to make it more scary by going to a rest home.
give yourself a big pass. lots of family don't even visit their LO in nursing homes and their reason not even close to your reason.
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Reply to wally003
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Chdottir gives the perfect answer. I suspect you know you aren’t a “bad daughter”, but you need validation. Well, you have it. Mom is not being neglected. To be honest, when my in-laws were in the NH (2 separate ones 1/2 hour apart) someone from the family visited each of them every single day. I think they probably wished we’d stay home and leave them alone. We sat in the car once so confused and tried to remember which one we were supposed to visit that day.

Hubby needs you now even if he doesn’t say so. Even if you aren’t being hands-on with him, you’re there. It’s more important for you to be with him than sitting and watching Mom sleep. That’s what we did. What a waste of time. Didn’t even know we were there.

Come back often and let us know how you are doing. We care.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Well, if you have the ability to clone yourself and be two places at once and you refuse to use that ability, there MIGHT be some basis to consider you a bad daughter. But that is not how life works.

I am very sorry you are in this very stressful situation. Please at least give up the additional stress of any guilt feelings. You are doing your absolute best. Nothing more can be expected of you.
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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You are the BEST daughter! Your wonderful mom told you the truth, that your first duty is to your husband.

You have one awesome mom!

The day after we started my mom on Hospice, I knew she was actively dying. But my husband was having a long scheduled prostate biopsy which I didn't think was wise to miss. I KNEW my mom would want me to put his health first. You are on exactly the right track, dear.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Quite. You are not a bad daughter, you are a person undergoing two stressful experiences and having to choose which to handle. You choose your husband, whose needs are greater and to whom you are able to make an important difference. You haven't stopped loving your mother or caring about her welfare.

Give yourself time, see where you are. Maybe, once things are a bit more under control at home, you can have another think. If you do decide to visit your mother again, the first couple of times go with other family members so that if it's too much you can discreetly leave without unsettling her.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I was about to post something similar. We aren't bad daughters. But I also need some reassurance. I'm much worse than you.
I want to take care of my parents as much as I possibly can but right now it's just not possible for me. I've completely checked out. You MUST take time for yourself sometimes. I didn't and now I can't seem to help them at all. If I had set boundaries or not catered to their every demand, my parents and I would probably be much better off now.
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Reply to Sunset3339
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