She moved in over 7 years ago. We, my daughters, my husband and I, weathered many storms with her. IE: illnesses with her shingles pneumonia a-fib attack, many hospitalizations then back home here, revolving doors of many therapists etc. Endless Dr. Office visits. You get the point. Fast forward to this past June. Very Ill admitted to the hospital 3 week stay, transferred over to extended care. All the while nurses and Dr. Saying she now needs round the clock nursing. My husband and I realized that we can’t provide the best care for her. We can’t. I am 66 he is 67, we gave her 7 years. Now, in this extended care we were waiting for a permanent there for her, we tried to have the convo mom we are not capable of doing all the care that is required for you at first she argued and yelled that she was totally capable and just bring her home. We explained that we couldn’t do it. I know that she expected her kid (me) to give up my and my husband’s future to take care of her for the rest of her life. We nicely pointed out that her life was full of grandchildren and wonderful memories and occasionally travel, so why should we not be able to enjoy our senior lives together (my husband and I). She became completely pissed not understanding, I gave it a week went back had a heart to heart she says she understands and is in agreement. Now she seem mad gives me dirty looks. Most recently they had a permanent room for her. So all this time her whole bedroom here in my house has been left alone (we weren’t sure when the room would come available, we didn’t want to jump to empty her bedroom until she had a permanent place) She now is pissed and how dare I have been taking money for the so called rent for a room when she hasn’t even been there. I said that she still has her own room here and it is an unusable space for me. So that is why I have been collecting 200.00 a month out of the joint account of her and mine. She’s mad. How dare I do this? Blah, blah.
I don’t see how it was wrong? Anyone, what do you think? Oh also. Her words. I don’t know why you think that I would want any of that s*** anymore. Nothing So I said just throw it away, you’re never going to wear clothes again? I was so upset yesterday when I left. I am still upset 😠
It is very sad that you had a real heart to heart talk with mom and all she could think about was herself and her needs.
It sucks getting old but it sucks worse when the person getting old thinks that her own child who is also a senior citizen should basically kill themselves keeping her in their home when their needs have changed and that adult senior can no longer help mom the way she needs to be helped.
Fortunately you are able to see that bringing mom back into your home is not possible.
Mom will eventually accept this new normal or she will remain bitter and angry until she dies. That is her choice to make.
When she starts going off on you, you should leave. Tell mom you will come back another day and then go. There is no sense you staying with mom to get berated and yelled out and mistreated.
I would wait until she has a permanent placement and then start bringing over her clothes and small personal items from her bedroom. I think your bringing her stuff from her room just makes her circumstances more real in regards to the fact that she is not leaving the facility and coming back home which is why she said you should just go ahead and throw it all away.
Once she is officially moved in and her room is cleared out I would cease collecting the $200 for her room from her.
It is bittersweet for her and for you.
You will exhaust yourself if you continue to deal with her as if she is her prior self. Now when her words and actions upset you, picture Dementia and remind yourself she can't help it, it's the disease talking. Then either change the subject ("redirection") or walk out of the room. Go about the business of getting her the best help and solving problems, if that's what you choose to do.
You are correct in putting up a boundary to protect your marriage and retirement. You did yeoman's work in sacrificing to help her for 7 long years, so this should bring you confidence and peace. Keep reminding yourself that your Mom has way more than more elders her age (meaning, a daughter who pulled out all the stops to accommodate her). Don't let yourself feel any regrets or guilt -- you did good.
You are doing the right thing, move forward, forget about it. If she gets nasty leave and don't go back for a week or so, maybe she'll get the message.
She lived in your home for seven years already. Why should you not have been charging her rent for her room when she was in the hospital and the care facility? Were her things still being stored in the room?
If they were then that was a space in YOUR house that you kept reserved because she was renting it.
Let her be "mad". Let her give you all the dirty looks in the world. It makes no difference whatsoever and will not change the outcome.
You've done the right thing. You and your husband have every right to enjoy your retirement years now after having her for seven years.
It beggars belief to me that anyone should be expected to retire from working in their 60's only to take up working as care slaves to elderly parents or in-laws. Don't do that. You have every right to enjoy your retirement years, your home, and your life.
You have a right to be upset with her for that behavior too. We're all human and none of us has an endless supply of patience and compassion. We all lose our temper a little bit sometimes. Parents usually know just what buttons to press and elderly ones can teach a Master's Class in it.
If she is permanently settled in extended care and has a room there, leave her.
Visit her as often as you can. If she starts up with the bad behavior, the dirty looks, and the telling you off that is when the visit ends and you go home. Then don't take her calls for a bit.
She will either acclimate to her new environment with visits from her family or she won't.
Tell her that her behavior will choose whether or not you will visit.
The only "catch"....I do not know if taking the "rent" while she is in Long Term care would be problomatic if there is a need to apply for Medicaid. this might be considered "a gift"
I am sure someone with more knowledge about Medicaid will respond
Thank you Alva...
It's not a "gift" it's storage fees. One more bill that has to get paid.
If a person rents a public storage facility to keep their things in, that's not free. The OP has a right to not let her space be used for free.
She should consult with a Medicaid adviser by reaching out to thr state's Ombudsman's office or Agency on Aging and they will provide the contact info.
Medicaid is way more reasonable to deal with than the business end of a care facility.
You've done your best, and it's time to dump the burden. She got a lot of years from you, and it's too bad it ended this way. However, valuable lesson learned: Don't ever take a parent into your home. I hope someone who needs to read this will see it!
Do not take her into your home even BRIEFLY as you will not be able easily to leverage her out.
If you have gone ahead on your own with putting your name on your Mom's accounts it is time now to see an attorney for options about how to move forward.
Your mother will be angry as she is no longer independent. That isn't your fault, that is due to her age. She will say mean and horrible things, but ignore them as you are doing the right thing.