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Oh dear.

Are you taking care of your father now? Is he in his own home? Does he have early dementia, moderate, advanced? What kinds of things does he need help with right now? (We know that will increase, but how is he now?)

How soon do you have to relocate? If you have enough time, I suggest having a needs assessment done for him, and based on that decide whether he could stay at home, at least for a while, with certain kinds of help coming in regularly. Or does he need an assisted living level of care? Memory care? Nursing home? That won't automatically make him willing to have the care he needs, of course, but it is a good starting point for you to explore the options.

Is there anyone else around who could take over looking after him? Not permanently, but until other arrangements can be made? That may take a little time, even if he can be convinced to cooperate.

The Area Agency for Aging (or Senior helpline, or whatever it is called in your state) can help you get a needs assessment. Explain the entire situation to them and ask for options they can suggest.

Your county Human Services Department can also so a needs assessment and may have suggestions for his care.

Please explain the situation in a little more detail, so other members can share their experiences that most closely match yours.
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One thing about dementia if he indeed has that is you don’t give choices because they can’t reason to make the right choice for themselves. But yes we need more information.
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Many seniors with dementia do not realize that their quality of life will actually IMPROVE once they move to an assisted-living facility, with senior-friendly bathrooms and hallways, on-site cafes, transportation provided, etc.

When it became obvious that my father was unsafe to live alone hours away from me (due to his gradually increasing confusion and mobility issues), I simply put my foot down one day and informed him, "This is how it's gonna be."

I don't understand why people find this so difficult. With our toddlers, we recognize that it is unsafe for them to live alone - and we have no difficulty "putting our foot down," in spite of their objections and crying about it. Why are people unwilling to do that with an elderly relative who is no longer safe alone at home?
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If you are the primary caregiver now the Dementia will not get better, only worse. If he does not need care full time now he will in a month, 2 months, 6 months? no one can tell you when the decline will reach a point where he can not care for himself any longer.
While moving him now may not be pleasant do you want to be dealing with this in a few months from a distance?
He can probably deal better now with a transition than he will be able to in 5 or 6 months from now.
(If you see him often now just your moving and not seeing him often may cause a rapid decline, you can never tell what will happen)
The questions I have are...
Is he living with you now? or is he in assisted living? or is he living independently?
Living with you now, if you are relocating he will have to move anyway if he "refuses" to go with you.
If he is in Assisted Living he could stay where he is, or if you want him closer maybe the facility has another site close to where you are going to be moving, if so he could go visit for a week or so to "try it on" and see if he is comfortable.
If he is living independently you will have to find someone to monitor him and notify you of any changes. And you will have to be ready to make a decision rapidly to go back to take care of the situation. That may mean moving him to a facility where he currently is or move him back with you.
Unfortunately many decisions have to be made with a catastrophic even occurs when he wanders, falls or gets into an accident.
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Boy, I sure am glad that my family does not have to worry about all these things ! I am 82 yrs old and have been in this community for 7 yrs when my wife and I moved here. She passed away 4 yrs ago in our critical care unit. I am in independent care and the family knows that I will be taken care of no matter what happens. I LOVE IT HERE !!!! FYI go to your computer into THE OVERLOOK and see where people (old Age) can be very comfortable and know they will NOT be a problem to the family. Good Luck
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You can always pick out the place you want him to go. Then work with the intake coordinators on how to proceed. They are there to help. You can even hire a carer to be with him, so he doesn't try to get out the door. Yes People at that age think a nursing home, independent living etc, is an asylum from the 1800s. It's not.
You can get help with the transition.
It is better than leaving him home alone. The scammers are waiting for situations like this. They call and come to the door looking for the lonely trusting elderly. To rob and scam them out of $. You also don't want him burning the house down, or going for a walk getting lost. Or driving and having an accident. You can't let him make the decisions any more.
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AprilSmith, you've gotten some good general suggestions and questions, but we really do need more information in order to give you more specific suggestions based on our experiences. That said, my experience does have some similarities to yours. When my mom died 8 years ago and my dad was in early to mid-stage dementia and living in another state, I began asking him if he would like to move to my city. He always declined, so my wife and I helped my sisters take care of him as much as we could by frequently making the 5-hour trip to his house and by bringing him to ours as often as he would come (but he always wanted to go home the day after he got to our place). After doing that for 4 years, when it became obvious that he needed more care and patience than he was getting in his city, one of my sisters asked me if I would move him to my home, which my wife and I agreed to do. By then his dementia had progressed and within a week of moving to our place, he could not remember having ever lived anywhere else execept his childhood home 74 years earlier.

After 3.5 years, when my wife and I decided we could no longer provide the 24-hour daily care that my dad needed, I made the decision to move him into the best memory care facility I could find that was close enough that we could monitor and assist with his care every day. My dad adjusted quickly and is doing very well. Besides my dad's dementia, the sad part of this experience has been that four of my seven siblings object to the cost of his memory care facility and the need to sell his house to pay for it. Four of us had independently shared both his financial and health care durable power of attorney (DPOA), but I had to become his guardian and conservator due to two who object to the need to sell his house.
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AprilSmith, if your Dad is in his 80's or 90's his only reference to a "nursing home" is where his own elderly relatives may have been, in a County Asylum. Thus, our elders will fight us tooth and nail not to have to go to one of these places, which rarely exist any more.

I know my own Dad was quite surprised when he decided to move to Independent Living then onto Assisted Living/Memory Care within the same complex. When I pulled up to one place where I had a tour set up, before Dad even got out of the car he said "where do I sign up?", "never knew this place existed". The complex was set up like a hotel with a restaurant style dining room. Dad was so happy to be around people of his own generation, and he felt he had more independence to do what he wanted then when he lived at home :)

April, try to get Dad to go with you to tour some Assisted Living/Memory Care places. Most will have you come around lunch time so you and Dad can try out the lunches. Make up some "theraputic fib" why you want Dad to come with you. Like you are searching for a friend and the friend wanted your Dad's opinion.
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Try to keep in your mind that nobody ever said that they wanted dementia or to live in a care facility - many people of our parents' generation thought it was a terrible fate to end up there - my mom told me about 50 years ago that it was 'where people go that have no one to love them' & that basic idea may persist in your dad's mind

Try to be careful of your words when referring to facilities & their services - where my mom is now they refer to the 'tub room' [one place called it that] as the 'spa' which gives a better air - terminology can shade how people look at the same thing because where would you rather go ... the spa or the tub room

Can you take him for the lunch tour that most places offer? - he probably has a fixed idea in his mind about what they are like which is nowhere close to what they are in actuality - you may find he is surprised on the different aura than what he thought it was like -

But no matter what he will have to do something about his situation or you will be forced to make the decision for him & then I'd recommend that he is close to you unless there is family close to where he would be staying otherwise you'll be spending so much time going back & forth -

FYI ... I moved my dad to 30 minutes away from 3 hours away & my mom 4 minutes away from 40 minutes away so I really know that travel time is lost time - I now spend 80%+ of my time in actual face to face visiting time as opposed 35-40% before when mom was farther away - it adds up over the years as a huge amount of lost time never mind the costs
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Hi April. My parents refused to leave their home as well when I moved. We got them in home caregivers. After 2 months of getting the sad phone calls, I suggested my mom come on “ vacation” to visit me. That got one parent willingly out of their home. Then she wanted my dad to be with her. So he came to “visit” her while she was on “vacation”. Meanwhile, my sibs and I had arranged for occupancy in a memory care place in the state I was living( level of care, convenience, cost) my sibs flew out yet again and we went to lunch at the memory care facility. We had already gotten their room ready and furnished. The next day we went back to the “ restaurant “ and showed them their “new house”. They were beyond angry. However, there was no way on earth things would be getting better so we had to get creative with moving the folks against their will. I’m not going to lie. It’s been a rocky road. I’m still heavily involved in their care, they still hate it that they have been relocated, and it’s still a ton of work. The plus side is, they are safe, get their meds, eat healthy food, are clean, and have some social stimulation and I can go to bed at night and turn off my phone knowing that any emergency will be dealt with and I can address whatever it was in the morning. Their house and belongings can be sold now without interference and resistance. There’s going to be enough to deal with when each parent passes, so being able to deal with their belongings now, will be one less thing to deal with later. You do what you need to do to remain sane, and to keep him safe. If you have been his caretaker and leave him, it can get messy if you are accused of abandoning him or neglecting him. It’s a slippery slope. Be sure you either arrange for care where he is or where you are going before you leave. Otherwise, you will end up trying to deal with things long distance and it will consume you.
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