I have to relocate but my father who has dementia won't come with me. He won't go to a nursing home or assisted living. Any suggestions?

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Hi April, you need to move and your dad refuses to come and also refuses to go into a MC, Al or Nursing home...you say he has dementia...what stage is he in? Is he able to take care of himself? or does he need help with daily living? I'm going to say that if he has dementia he cannot live on his own and would you really want him too? Especially since you'll be far away...What if he puts something on the stove and forgets it? He could cause a fire or lock himself out of his house or forgets where he lives and goes off wandering on his own. It is NOT safe. We really do need more information about what he is capable of doing and what he can no longer take care of. If it were me and my dad I simply couldn't let him make the decision of where to live. First and foremost he NEEDS to be safe and he may not be able to make a rational decision about this so you will have to. He may be very angry with you but better that and safe then trying to make it on his own especially with any form of progressive dementia. Blessings, Lindaz
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Reply to lindaz
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Yes Maggie , you missed that both parents have late stage moderate Alzheimer’s and mixed dementias and couldn’t take care of themselves. They don’t have forgetful moments, they have lost the ability to remember to eat, how to prepare any food, how to bathe, how to get dressed and how to get through a day without endangering themselves or others. Living in their home was no longer possible. We did what we had to in order to keep them safe.
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Reply to Alzh101
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Alzh101, I want to acknowledge, first, that I'm a moderately forgetful 72-year-old myself. I'm certainly aware of, and in support of, the 'therapeutic lying' that we do in memory-care units with people whose dementia is past the 'mild-to-moderate' stage.

But I have to say, if my kids invited me out for a vacation and tricked me into an Assisted Living facility, I might actually never forgive them. And selling my belongings without my 'interference'? If one of the parents has a dementia diagnosis, of course they can reach the stage of needing to be put in a memory-care unit. But what about the other parent?

This account sounds as if you tricked a cognitively-intact parent and a mildly-demented parent into moving against their will and then stole their belongings.

Again, speaking as an elderly person who can foresee my own cognitive decline, I'm finding this account terrifying.

Is there something I'm missing?
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Reply to maggiebea
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Depending on his care level needs, get a place ready for him and move him it. It may not be easy or pleasant fir either if you, but he will receive the care he needs. You have POA, health POA, etc, right? My dad went almost kicking and screaming. He knew he could no longer live alone (at 93). He still hates where he is, but I know he’s much safer.
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Reply to c47090
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Would a small board and care home be a possible alternative? Not an "institution", but with people there 24/7 whose whole job is to watch over the residents.
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Reply to partsmom
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I'm happy to say that my sister finally stepped up. Thank you for the help everyone.
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Reply to AprilSmith
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You can always pick out the place you want him to go. Then work with the intake coordinators on how to proceed. They are there to help. You can even hire a carer to be with him, so he doesn't try to get out the door. Yes People at that age think a nursing home, independent living etc, is an asylum from the 1800s. It's not.
You can get help with the transition.
It is better than leaving him home alone. The scammers are waiting for situations like this. They call and come to the door looking for the lonely trusting elderly. To rob and scam them out of $. You also don't want him burning the house down, or going for a walk getting lost. Or driving and having an accident. You can't let him make the decisions any more.
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Reply to Jasmina
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Boy, I sure am glad that my family does not have to worry about all these things ! I am 82 yrs old and have been in this community for 7 yrs when my wife and I moved here. She passed away 4 yrs ago in our critical care unit. I am in independent care and the family knows that I will be taken care of no matter what happens. I LOVE IT HERE !!!! FYI go to your computer into THE OVERLOOK and see where people (old Age) can be very comfortable and know they will NOT be a problem to the family. Good Luck
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Reply to ren345
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Hi April. My parents refused to leave their home as well when I moved. We got them in home caregivers. After 2 months of getting the sad phone calls, I suggested my mom come on “ vacation” to visit me. That got one parent willingly out of their home. Then she wanted my dad to be with her. So he came to “visit” her while she was on “vacation”. Meanwhile, my sibs and I had arranged for occupancy in a memory care place in the state I was living( level of care, convenience, cost) my sibs flew out yet again and we went to lunch at the memory care facility. We had already gotten their room ready and furnished. The next day we went back to the “ restaurant “ and showed them their “new house”. They were beyond angry. However, there was no way on earth things would be getting better so we had to get creative with moving the folks against their will. I’m not going to lie. It’s been a rocky road. I’m still heavily involved in their care, they still hate it that they have been relocated, and it’s still a ton of work. The plus side is, they are safe, get their meds, eat healthy food, are clean, and have some social stimulation and I can go to bed at night and turn off my phone knowing that any emergency will be dealt with and I can address whatever it was in the morning. Their house and belongings can be sold now without interference and resistance. There’s going to be enough to deal with when each parent passes, so being able to deal with their belongings now, will be one less thing to deal with later. You do what you need to do to remain sane, and to keep him safe. If you have been his caretaker and leave him, it can get messy if you are accused of abandoning him or neglecting him. It’s a slippery slope. Be sure you either arrange for care where he is or where you are going before you leave. Otherwise, you will end up trying to deal with things long distance and it will consume you.
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Reply to Alzh101
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Many seniors with dementia do not realize that their quality of life will actually IMPROVE once they move to an assisted-living facility, with senior-friendly bathrooms and hallways, on-site cafes, transportation provided, etc.

When it became obvious that my father was unsafe to live alone hours away from me (due to his gradually increasing confusion and mobility issues), I simply put my foot down one day and informed him, "This is how it's gonna be."

I don't understand why people find this so difficult. With our toddlers, we recognize that it is unsafe for them to live alone - and we have no difficulty "putting our foot down," in spite of their objections and crying about it. Why are people unwilling to do that with an elderly relative who is no longer safe alone at home?
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