I have power of attorney for my mother. My sister who lives in another state wants me to provide a ledger to her of how I'm spending my mother's social security. Does she have say in how that money is being spent?

darling take my advice to keep trouble down show her what u are spending take it from someone just went through this i came from a family of 12 and beleive me it was ok at first but when i wouldnt lend any more money out to certain ones in the family theu got STUPID they drugged me into court...i had no account for at all i really didnt think i should had my dad was being taken care of i didnt spend the money on me or my family but i couldnt account for some of the money but at the end or a yr or so they finally found out that it wasnt me that was spending the money i just went and got the money .....because i was the only one on my dads account and trust and believe if i had it to do all over again i wouldnt have went through this i would had got my dads permisssion to sell his home and move in with me instead me moving in with him. not saying my dad would had did it but i sure would had suggested it cause the mess i went through with my family OMG you would not beleive it i got strip down from D.P.O.A. i had to move out of my dads house because all them went against me and it was partly my fault i should had kept account but i didnt...so take my advice if you do not want to go through what i went through then show her if you do not have anything to hide show it to her cause she can easliy take you to court and make you show it...

My older sister (64) has power of attorney for my elderly parents. They are now both in assisted living and have considerable health issues. My father is turning 91, but is still mentally quite cogent. However, he has other health issues such as heart problems, (pace maker), high blood pressure (which my sister resisted having him tested for, as it was my suggestion). My mother got West Nile Virus a few years ago and was in treatment in a hospital and outpatient care center for nearly a year before moving into assisted living. During this time, my father had a couple of heart attacks and lost a lot of weight. My sister lived in the same town and state, so was a caretaker by default. She did not want to "push anything" with my father, so allowed him to become dehydrated and malnourished, since he said water tasted "bad" and he only wanted to eat pudding and sweets rather than nutritious meals.
Any suggestion I made was met with hostility and/or resistance. I understand the point of the writer who stated that "A sibling who doesn't provide any care for a parent has nothing to complain about," but that is a very broad statement and does not take into consideration the reasons that a sibling may not be participating in care day to day.
My sister was unemployed or sporadically employed during this time. She is divorced and lives alone. She was there when my mother was hospitalized and wanted to look in on my dad, who was still able to live alone. We did not know the situation would progress to the point that both of them would require extra care.
My sister and parents discussed the power of attorney in order for my sister to handle their financial affairs (social security and claims for AHCCCS, as they are in that income bracket). As things developed, she became the 'overseer' of the medical needs as well, transporting them to Dr. appts. and keeping in touch with the assisted living staff and administration. The placement of my parents in the home they are in now, was largely a group effort, which I initiated with extended family members. We moved my parents and my sister to a new city and paid for my sister's apartment, security deposit, rent, car payments, furniture, clothing, and covered other costs of living. She was unhappy living where she was and looked forward to the relocation for personal reasons as well as the proximity to my parents.
Since then, she has become estranged from several family members and has cut off communication with me and my husband completely. Once we were no longer to pay for her expenses and pick up payments for her rent and car when she did not find work, she stopped communicating. Now she refuses to give us any information regarding my parents health, finances, etc. She has spoken to the staff at the home and has given them instructions to NOT tell me anything regarding their health, medications, hospital visits, ER care, etc. She is using her position as a power play and leaves us to guess or call around to various relatives in an effort to remain informed. My mother is suffering from a second stage dementia, and is not the most reliable witness or reporter of events. She is easily confused and upset and mixes up information. If we call to check in, she may become upset just because she worries or misses us. If she mentions this to my sister, my sister jumps to the conclusion that we are "upsetting mom" and has her daughter (who is an attorney) call and give us directives to NOT call, NOT communicate, and accuses us of selfishly "upsetting" our mother.
I cannot get any information about how money is being spent- and only know that between my husband and myself, we have given or spent over $7,000 on my sister and were sending checks to my parents almost monthly. I found out through an aunt (my mother's sister) that the checks I was sending to my parents were being cashed by my sister and then 'doled out' to my parents as my sister saw fit. When I would ask my mother what she bought or did with the money sent (most often a couple hundred dollars) she would name items that might cost $50.00. My aunt verified that my mother was not receiving the full amount sent and there are suspicions among close family members that my sister was using the money to pay her own expenses. My sister told my parents that she was "paying for their food" they have in the room and other things for which their social security was adequate. I began sending money to them through my aunt to ensure the money was received.
The last time my father was hospitalized, my sister did not even bother to let me know. I found out when I phoned my mother and she was upset that I had not called him at the hospital. My sister would not give me the correct phone number or room number, and I had to call information and call hospitals to find out where he was. The next day, my niece, the lawyer, called me to say I was not allowed to inquire about my father as it was a "HIPPA violation." Is there anything I can do, before my father loses mental faculties and my mother becomes incapacitated by dementia, to get some access to information? Can my sister continue this bullying behavior and keep all information from me and my husband legally?

I was taking care of my mom but was told I could only spend $200 a week for a helper as my mom has special situations that require extra help. In the end I got ill from not being able to hire a caregiver and doing it all myself, 2 hours sleep a night etc. My mom was moved to another state and my sister is now spending 400+ per week to care for my mother after she told me to stick to $200. She is also insisting on having complete financial say so on mom's accounts. I was restricted when caring for my mom by my sister, but now that she has mom, she can spend whatever she wants. She didn't even bother to check with me to see if $400 per week would be okay and put my mom on a health plan without consulting with me.

HOUCK:

Tell her to come and get a copy of it. And while she's at it, she can watch how the money is actually spent -- and pitch in caring for your mother. That should keep her quiet. ... At least for a while. If she's not satisfied, tell her she can have power of attorney. But mom is going to have to move in with her. Scary, isn't it?

-- ED

I have been taking care of my mother for 2 years and I have
extended her life. She has several problems,Wheelcare bound.
feedtube, parkisions, transfer with 2 people. My father
has terminal cancer.
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, no one can do the in home care. My older sister stated that she would take care of them
in their home but she really did not want to do this.
Story short, I had to come from out of state and bring help
and give up everything to help my parents.
My sister would not work with us and finally faked a back injury
to leave. I agreed to help but now my hours are 24/7.
She turned my brother and sister against me saying I am here for money. Well Jesus was persucuted for being right?
She tried to put my mother in a nursing home to many times and the agrument continues. It is sad because she turned the others against me and refuse to bring their kids here now.
My parents begged me to come help them but they cant tell their other kids off.
I am being crucified for keeping my parents alive and their
selfish spoiled brat kids cant handed it.

Very uncomfortable situation for me and my caregiver.

If she has to go into a nursing home and you have to apply for medicaid there is a look-back period for 5 yrs. now I think in every state and will be increased probably soon to 7 yrs. or more and you have to account for how her money is spent since you are her POA -your sister does not need this information but you need to have this for yourself and maybe your sister is willing to help with expenses at this time if she knows how the money is being spent so it is helpful to have this info-because things happen very quickly and you do not need the burden of having to do all that in a stressful time.

Amen to that!

Its not that it is worst than being a caregiver,it just never ends like being a caregiver.It is needless and never ending-added stress.

I think we are all guilty of not keeping records of expenses. It's something that should and needs to be done, but by the end of the day, we are all so tired and worn down, that adding one more thing to our plate is hard to swallow. I am just like the rest of you, buying Mom's food with mine and not having separate receipts. Mom now pays me room and board. That solved the food problem. I now use that cash to buy all her food and don't have to keep a record of it. I only use her account to pay for incontinence supplies, prescriptions and clothes she might need. It's easier to keep receipts for these items as I don't have to buy them often. Also, a detailed list of her medications and co-pays gets sent to her periodically.
I know how hard it is to keep records, and I don't do a very good job of it, so things may come back to bite me in the end. So be it! I can't do everything myself and my 6 siblings don't seem to have the time to visit, much less help out with all the paperwork I do for Mom. Bring it on! It can't be much worse than the last 2 years of being a full time caregiver!

Sheri's information is just wonderful if you have mature, compasionate siblings all around. What usually happens is that one sib gets chosen by default to be the primary caregiver (trust me, I didn't appoint myself "queen" this is no royal duty.)...while the others look the other way. In fact, if there was no money involved, you would NEVER see the other sibs. The only come out of the woodwork when the dirty work is done and there is money to be had.
I think that keeping the lines of communication open is a very good thing. But, to make the primary caregiver have to keep extensive records or call formal meetings is just too much work added to an already impossible burden.
I think that asking the sibs to take turns coming for a few weeks a year to give you a break is a great way for them to spend quality time with their parents and the can have as much fun as they want to "go over the books."
Keep good records...but do not become the unpaid account for unresponsive sibs.

Here's an idea. Contact 3 cpa's or accountants who handle
elder-care. Your local area on aging will have names for
you OR goggle to find.

Send 3 the same email: that you are "looking" for someone
to handle your mother's financial estate and need their pricing
structure and contract period (most require 6 mo minimum).

Once you get the responses, send a letter to your sweet sis
and tell her:
- you understand her concern
- your caregiving for your mom is your first priority as it has
been for the past 4 years and
- doing a ledger would be really time consuming, you're not
a CPA, never used Excell, whatever and it would take away time from mom
- if she really wants to have a ledger done, she can pay for
1 or the 3 providers you have estimates from to do it. It's
her choice or she can find one on her own
- tell her you prefer the one closer to your house, as
it's only XX miles @ .50 per mile for you to be reinbursed for
- Once she has set this up and paid for it, you will be glad to drop off to them XX # of boxes of reciepts
- if she actually pays to have this done (I doubt it!)- make a trip to Kinko's and xerox all of them, send it all certified mail. Dont'
sort the receipts, send them a jumble
- don't do the medical ones - Sis can contact the providers and pay for copies of statements herself.

Make it very straightforward and business like but end
with something warm & fuzzy, like "Mom remembered how
much you still.../her grandson still..........and wondered if
you still did as she hasn't see you in such a long time.

If it's a big estate, this actually will be a good thing. But if
this is all about unresolved interpersonal dynamics, she
won't do a thing if it costs her time and $$. Good luck!

You do not half to tell me i had D.P.O.A. over my father and believe me its all about money but as far as the S.S. if they didnt send a ledger to you to account for your love one then the hell with you sister but BE CAREFUL they will try and jump up and bite you in the A--

So, I'm probably not going to be popular with you all, but here goes.

I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with families in your situation. My perspective is that anything that can be done to foster communication among siblings regarding their aging parents is a good thing. I would use your sister's request as an opportunity to begin to work together. For example, why not tell her how pleased you are that she is interested in becoming more involved in Mom's care, and tell her you'd like to convene a family meeting. If you have other siblings, they should be invited too. The meeting can take place in person or by conference call, whatever makes sense for your family. Depoending upon your Mom's condition, it might make sense for her to participate in the meeting too.

Create an agenda for the family meeting, starting with you, as the primary caregiver, giving an update on the situation -- describe Mom's current condition, her prognosis, her current care needs, anticipated care needs, and a report on the financial situation (Mom's income, expenses, assets, liabilities, monthly or annual budget, and insurance) complete with handouts. Then, present a list of all of the caregiving needs, irrespective of who is currently providing them. That should include the need for funds, the need for respite for the primary caregiver, as well as hands on care, companionship, transportation, and coordination (including bill paying, insurance claim resolution, etc.). Once the siblings have the full "as is" picture and that list of needs, ask each of
them to indicate what resources they can bring to the table. Some will bring money, others will bring time, and others may not be willing or able to contribute in any way other than being emotionally supportive of Mom and her caregivers. At the conclusion of the meeting, agree on a method of keeping the channels of communication open, and for any next steps. For example, you may all agree that a quarterly financial update is appropriate. Or, one sibling may take on the responsibilitiy of being the one to email everyone once a week or once a month a caregiving update covering all aspects of the "project".

Often, the sibling who has filled the vacuum and is serving as the sole caregiver for the parent feels taken for granted and frustrated. On the other hand, the other siblings sometimes wonder who "appointed you queen" or don't know how to offer to help because you give the impression that you have everything under control. The family dynamics are complicated!

I recommend a book called "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo for families in your situation.

I hope this helps a little.

-- Sheri

As you can see, my view is that

When taking care of my dad was a emotional and physical challenge,I did receive love and appreciation from him,with the lawsuit my brothers have slapped on me that has been going on for 3 years now,the price is looking toward the 100,000 dollar mark and no end in sight.Angrey and jealous siblings and greedy lawyers go hand in hand.I can barely feed my self now because of the lawsuit,I was a 24/7 caregiver for more years than I would like to admit to.My dad was appreciative but my brothers and there team of lawyers aren't.Don't ever under estimate a angrey deadbeat sibling,you may not love them,but lawyers do.

one more thing. this is when you know when family is family.

Iam rep on my moms social security. i do have report what i spend her money on. i also have power of attoreny and ex of will. i do not have to tell anyone family wise what i do with moms money. only the government.

Tell her to go and price out nursing homes. I think she will find out that she owes you money.

I have 9 brothers & sisters all but 2 within 10 miles of my house. My mother has been living with me for a little over a year and I can count on 2 hands how many times they have come to visit her. As for the money, I don't think you owe her any explantation, if your Mom had to be in a home her money would all be gone. Hard to believe how brothers & sisters can turn a blind eye to a parents pain.

Yea, isn't all of their involvement a fairy tale? Thanks a lot, sisters!

My two deadbeat sisters, the same two who perpetrated financial abuse that caused county to sue for conservatorship, filed complaint against me and had me investigated. Not for financial misconduct, but because I was demanding that one of the thieves pay back the money she stole. Turns out I had NO rights to do this, and in fact, they had equal rights as daughters to challenge anything I did, but I have no rights to challenge anything they did, or in this case did NOT do. Life is unfair sometimes.
The county has to account for the money every year, then every two years. The first year, I kept all receipts and spent a few thousand hiring bookkeeping help to enter everything into Excel. I handed over the files and the Excel document, and they didn't even use it to generate the report. They went with the % spending estimates we initially came up with years ago.

So now I just stuff all receipts into monthly folders. They can hire their own bookkeeping staff to do it. In a way, the public guardian's managing of the funds is the OFFICIAL account of how mom's money is spent, even if it is a fairy tale.

It would be in YOUR best interest to keep track of what's going on with your moms money, be it social security or otherwise. I don't think you have to show your sister anything yet, but just in case ,God forbid something happens to your mom, you will have all your ducks in order.

One never really knows what people will do behind money, it causes all kinds of problems after the loved one is gone.

Just keep a ledger for yourself so that after all is said and done, you can show proof of what was done with your moms money.

You're special to take care of your mom. That deadbeat sister of yours is just trying to throw you for a loop. Ignore her and heek taking good care of mom.

you should talk to an attorney - just to protect yourself - You shouldn't HAVE to document ANYTHING if it is being spent to take care of your Mom. If she is living with you - I'm pretty sure you could be charging her room & board- You'd have to claim it on your taxes but it is justified. Your sister sounds like she is gonna be trouble no matter what you do - Gotta love that - no help whatsoever but counting your mother's money- what a joke of a daughter - she should be telling you to not worry about what you have to spend while YOU take care of Mom. I would strongly urge you to talk to someone in the know - Your sister is going to be looking for every penny when your Mom is gone and it will save you in hurt feelings later on. Hang in there - you are an angel for doing what you are doing - Perhaps you should ASK your sister to take some of your load - even if she can't - you aren't giving her the option and it might scare her a little into reality. Hire someone to give you respite if you can - from your MOTHER's money!

She is the younger "carefree" sister.

Cheryl 101 - I don't know the situation, but I do want to offer a third-party perspective. Forwarding the mail - and JUNK mail - is often a great thing. My dad's elderly wife started writing checks to all the solicitations for charities. Turning off the phone is also a good idea, telemarketers WILL prey on the elderly. But it's good to get the reminder voicemail from the doc about an upcoming appointment. Walk-the-walk and pay her an overnight visit. Then update us. Here to help if we can.

You're doing everything right. My father is 86 and he has been with me for two years. We who care for the super-elderly know how tough the work is, and even more so as years go by. You be strong--you are strong.

Now, about your finances. It's generally a good idea to keep track of things. I don't know if you have a husband, accountant or friend to help keep track. It's not required by anyone to keep track, but of course for whatever financial situations that may occur -- it would be good to have all the paperwork sorted. For example, claiming her as a dependent, filing taxes on other IRA income she may have, consideration for Medicaid, etc. So why not take some steps to set things up. A simple first step is to ask for and keep all receipts and toss them in a box. Put all her charges on a credit card that nothing else is charged to.

About your sis, and I have a brother (who's kinda similar), nah YOU don't need to show her anything. Tell her you put everything in a shoebox and she's welcome to visit for a week every couple months and when visiting she can help you sort it out! Or does she have an accountant that she will pay for who you can send all the paperwork to? This should get the point across to her. I'll bet that she's the older sister and you're younger (it's like that with my brother), they just can't help trying to be "boss."

Ninety, huh. Yah -- you've doing it all right.

I simply find it amazing that the relatives that don't do a THING to help out always have their hand out and can dole out their 'best advice' but yet....never do a thing....I feel for you!

I'm still waiting for Mom's long term care to start paying for her in home helper. I'm with her 24/7 with an aid for 16 hours a week to help me out at dinner and bedtime. Mom pays me room and board as my siblings asked me to quit my job to care for her 2 years ago. I get to keep about 1/3 of that after paying the aid and for Mom's food. It's not paying the bills anymore. So I finally grew some ba!!s and told my sister, the POA, that the rest of them, all 6 siblings are going to have to pay the aid until Mom's insurance takes over. I didn't get an answer from her yet. We'll see what kind of dirt I stir up with that! I practically have to beg one of them to watch her for a couple hours on the weekend so my husband and I can grocery shop or take a walk. So they can damn well start paying for her care!

Cheryl001 - this almost sounds abusive - cutting her off from the outside world? I think you should contact social services or the department of aging and get someone to look into this.

Wow! now I know what they mean by "money is the root of all evil." I too have a sib who is completely absent from caregiving (or even visiting). I take care of EVERYTHING and would love to have sibs that take an interest or would want to take over for me once and awhile. oh well....
I think that it would be a burden for you to sit down and write out every cent you spend on your mother and have to account to the missing sister. Not to mention that you are not being compensated for all those little "misc." errands, doc visits, etc. Those things add up, and if you had to hire a caregiver to do it, your mom could not afford it.
However, there is nothing to be gained by being "snarky" to the sis. But, tell her you will make a trade: You will give her a quarterly accounting, if she comes to take over for you one week, three times a year. Then she can see up close and personal how much fun it is and how she is adding to your stress.
Geeeez....isn't this just adding insult to injury????

We didn't just start asking for information now. We have been asking for 3 years and long before mother needed assistance. Now he is telling everyone he was forced to take care of her because he was the only one who lived by her. In all that time he never once asked anyone to help and for 2 years has refused my offer to take over. To further keep us out of her life he turns her telephone volume to zero and has answering machine to pick up after 3 rings. Not to mention he has had all her mail forwarded to his home so she has no contact with the outside world. We have all kept in contact with her over the years and didn't just crawl out of the woodwork. We were just too trusting too long.