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one more thing. this is when you know when family is family.
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When taking care of my dad was a emotional and physical challenge,I did receive love and appreciation from him,with the lawsuit my brothers have slapped on me that has been going on for 3 years now,the price is looking toward the 100,000 dollar mark and no end in sight.Angrey and jealous siblings and greedy lawyers go hand in hand.I can barely feed my self now because of the lawsuit,I was a 24/7 caregiver for more years than I would like to admit to.My dad was appreciative but my brothers and there team of lawyers aren't.Don't ever under estimate a angrey deadbeat sibling,you may not love them,but lawyers do.
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So, I'm probably not going to be popular with you all, but here goes.

I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with families in your situation. My perspective is that anything that can be done to foster communication among siblings regarding their aging parents is a good thing. I would use your sister's request as an opportunity to begin to work together. For example, why not tell her how pleased you are that she is interested in becoming more involved in Mom's care, and tell her you'd like to convene a family meeting. If you have other siblings, they should be invited too. The meeting can take place in person or by conference call, whatever makes sense for your family. Depoending upon your Mom's condition, it might make sense for her to participate in the meeting too.

Create an agenda for the family meeting, starting with you, as the primary caregiver, giving an update on the situation -- describe Mom's current condition, her prognosis, her current care needs, anticipated care needs, and a report on the financial situation (Mom's income, expenses, assets, liabilities, monthly or annual budget, and insurance) complete with handouts. Then, present a list of all of the caregiving needs, irrespective of who is currently providing them. That should include the need for funds, the need for respite for the primary caregiver, as well as hands on care, companionship, transportation, and coordination (including bill paying, insurance claim resolution, etc.). Once the siblings have the full "as is" picture and that list of needs, ask each of
them to indicate what resources they can bring to the table. Some will bring money, others will bring time, and others may not be willing or able to contribute in any way other than being emotionally supportive of Mom and her caregivers. At the conclusion of the meeting, agree on a method of keeping the channels of communication open, and for any next steps. For example, you may all agree that a quarterly financial update is appropriate. Or, one sibling may take on the responsibilitiy of being the one to email everyone once a week or once a month a caregiving update covering all aspects of the "project".

Often, the sibling who has filled the vacuum and is serving as the sole caregiver for the parent feels taken for granted and frustrated. On the other hand, the other siblings sometimes wonder who "appointed you queen" or don't know how to offer to help because you give the impression that you have everything under control. The family dynamics are complicated!

I recommend a book called "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo for families in your situation.

I hope this helps a little.

-- Sheri

As you can see, my view is that
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You do not half to tell me i had D.P.O.A. over my father and believe me its all about money but as far as the S.S. if they didnt send a ledger to you to account for your love one then the hell with you sister but BE CAREFUL they will try and jump up and bite you in the A--
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Here's an idea. Contact 3 cpa's or accountants who handle
elder-care. Your local area on aging will have names for
you OR goggle to find.

Send 3 the same email: that you are "looking" for someone
to handle your mother's financial estate and need their pricing
structure and contract period (most require 6 mo minimum).

Once you get the responses, send a letter to your sweet sis
and tell her:
- you understand her concern
- your caregiving for your mom is your first priority as it has
been for the past 4 years and
- doing a ledger would be really time consuming, you're not
a CPA, never used Excell, whatever and it would take away time from mom
- if she really wants to have a ledger done, she can pay for
1 or the 3 providers you have estimates from to do it. It's
her choice or she can find one on her own
- tell her you prefer the one closer to your house, as
it's only XX miles @ .50 per mile for you to be reinbursed for
- Once she has set this up and paid for it, you will be glad to drop off to them XX # of boxes of reciepts
- if she actually pays to have this done (I doubt it!)- make a trip to Kinko's and xerox all of them, send it all certified mail. Dont'
sort the receipts, send them a jumble
- don't do the medical ones - Sis can contact the providers and pay for copies of statements herself.

Make it very straightforward and business like but end
with something warm & fuzzy, like "Mom remembered how
much you still.../her grandson still..........and wondered if
you still did as she hasn't see you in such a long time.

If it's a big estate, this actually will be a good thing. But if
this is all about unresolved interpersonal dynamics, she
won't do a thing if it costs her time and $$. Good luck!
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Sheri's information is just wonderful if you have mature, compasionate siblings all around. What usually happens is that one sib gets chosen by default to be the primary caregiver (trust me, I didn't appoint myself "queen" this is no royal duty.)...while the others look the other way. In fact, if there was no money involved, you would NEVER see the other sibs. The only come out of the woodwork when the dirty work is done and there is money to be had.
I think that keeping the lines of communication open is a very good thing. But, to make the primary caregiver have to keep extensive records or call formal meetings is just too much work added to an already impossible burden.
I think that asking the sibs to take turns coming for a few weeks a year to give you a break is a great way for them to spend quality time with their parents and the can have as much fun as they want to "go over the books."
Keep good records...but do not become the unpaid account for unresponsive sibs.
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I think we are all guilty of not keeping records of expenses. It's something that should and needs to be done, but by the end of the day, we are all so tired and worn down, that adding one more thing to our plate is hard to swallow. I am just like the rest of you, buying Mom's food with mine and not having separate receipts. Mom now pays me room and board. That solved the food problem. I now use that cash to buy all her food and don't have to keep a record of it. I only use her account to pay for incontinence supplies, prescriptions and clothes she might need. It's easier to keep receipts for these items as I don't have to buy them often. Also, a detailed list of her medications and co-pays gets sent to her periodically.
I know how hard it is to keep records, and I don't do a very good job of it, so things may come back to bite me in the end. So be it! I can't do everything myself and my 6 siblings don't seem to have the time to visit, much less help out with all the paperwork I do for Mom. Bring it on! It can't be much worse than the last 2 years of being a full time caregiver!
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Its not that it is worst than being a caregiver,it just never ends like being a caregiver.It is needless and never ending-added stress.
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Amen to that!
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If she has to go into a nursing home and you have to apply for medicaid there is a look-back period for 5 yrs. now I think in every state and will be increased probably soon to 7 yrs. or more and you have to account for how her money is spent since you are her POA -your sister does not need this information but you need to have this for yourself and maybe your sister is willing to help with expenses at this time if she knows how the money is being spent so it is helpful to have this info-because things happen very quickly and you do not need the burden of having to do all that in a stressful time.
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I have been taking care of my mother for 2 years and I have
extended her life. She has several problems,Wheelcare bound.
feedtube, parkisions, transfer with 2 people. My father
has terminal cancer.
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, no one can do the in home care. My older sister stated that she would take care of them
in their home but she really did not want to do this.
Story short, I had to come from out of state and bring help
and give up everything to help my parents.
My sister would not work with us and finally faked a back injury
to leave. I agreed to help but now my hours are 24/7.
She turned my brother and sister against me saying I am here for money. Well Jesus was persucuted for being right?
She tried to put my mother in a nursing home to many times and the agrument continues. It is sad because she turned the others against me and refuse to bring their kids here now.
My parents begged me to come help them but they cant tell their other kids off.
I am being crucified for keeping my parents alive and their
selfish spoiled brat kids cant handed it.

Very uncomfortable situation for me and my caregiver.
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HOUCK:

Tell her to come and get a copy of it. And while she's at it, she can watch how the money is actually spent -- and pitch in caring for your mother. That should keep her quiet. ... At least for a while. If she's not satisfied, tell her she can have power of attorney. But mom is going to have to move in with her. Scary, isn't it?

-- ED
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I was taking care of my mom but was told I could only spend $200 a week for a helper as my mom has special situations that require extra help. In the end I got ill from not being able to hire a caregiver and doing it all myself, 2 hours sleep a night etc. My mom was moved to another state and my sister is now spending 400+ per week to care for my mother after she told me to stick to $200. She is also insisting on having complete financial say so on mom's accounts. I was restricted when caring for my mom by my sister, but now that she has mom, she can spend whatever she wants. She didn't even bother to check with me to see if $400 per week would be okay and put my mom on a health plan without consulting with me.
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My older sister (64) has power of attorney for my elderly parents. They are now both in assisted living and have considerable health issues. My father is turning 91, but is still mentally quite cogent. However, he has other health issues such as heart problems, (pace maker), high blood pressure (which my sister resisted having him tested for, as it was my suggestion). My mother got West Nile Virus a few years ago and was in treatment in a hospital and outpatient care center for nearly a year before moving into assisted living. During this time, my father had a couple of heart attacks and lost a lot of weight. My sister lived in the same town and state, so was a caretaker by default. She did not want to "push anything" with my father, so allowed him to become dehydrated and malnourished, since he said water tasted "bad" and he only wanted to eat pudding and sweets rather than nutritious meals.
Any suggestion I made was met with hostility and/or resistance. I understand the point of the writer who stated that "A sibling who doesn't provide any care for a parent has nothing to complain about," but that is a very broad statement and does not take into consideration the reasons that a sibling may not be participating in care day to day.
My sister was unemployed or sporadically employed during this time. She is divorced and lives alone. She was there when my mother was hospitalized and wanted to look in on my dad, who was still able to live alone. We did not know the situation would progress to the point that both of them would require extra care.
My sister and parents discussed the power of attorney in order for my sister to handle their financial affairs (social security and claims for AHCCCS, as they are in that income bracket). As things developed, she became the 'overseer' of the medical needs as well, transporting them to Dr. appts. and keeping in touch with the assisted living staff and administration. The placement of my parents in the home they are in now, was largely a group effort, which I initiated with extended family members. We moved my parents and my sister to a new city and paid for my sister's apartment, security deposit, rent, car payments, furniture, clothing, and covered other costs of living. She was unhappy living where she was and looked forward to the relocation for personal reasons as well as the proximity to my parents.
Since then, she has become estranged from several family members and has cut off communication with me and my husband completely. Once we were no longer to pay for her expenses and pick up payments for her rent and car when she did not find work, she stopped communicating. Now she refuses to give us any information regarding my parents health, finances, etc. She has spoken to the staff at the home and has given them instructions to NOT tell me anything regarding their health, medications, hospital visits, ER care, etc. She is using her position as a power play and leaves us to guess or call around to various relatives in an effort to remain informed. My mother is suffering from a second stage dementia, and is not the most reliable witness or reporter of events. She is easily confused and upset and mixes up information. If we call to check in, she may become upset just because she worries or misses us. If she mentions this to my sister, my sister jumps to the conclusion that we are "upsetting mom" and has her daughter (who is an attorney) call and give us directives to NOT call, NOT communicate, and accuses us of selfishly "upsetting" our mother.
I cannot get any information about how money is being spent- and only know that between my husband and myself, we have given or spent over $7,000 on my sister and were sending checks to my parents almost monthly. I found out through an aunt (my mother's sister) that the checks I was sending to my parents were being cashed by my sister and then 'doled out' to my parents as my sister saw fit. When I would ask my mother what she bought or did with the money sent (most often a couple hundred dollars) she would name items that might cost $50.00. My aunt verified that my mother was not receiving the full amount sent and there are suspicions among close family members that my sister was using the money to pay her own expenses. My sister told my parents that she was "paying for their food" they have in the room and other things for which their social security was adequate. I began sending money to them through my aunt to ensure the money was received.
The last time my father was hospitalized, my sister did not even bother to let me know. I found out when I phoned my mother and she was upset that I had not called him at the hospital. My sister would not give me the correct phone number or room number, and I had to call information and call hospitals to find out where he was. The next day, my niece, the lawyer, called me to say I was not allowed to inquire about my father as it was a "HIPPA violation." Is there anything I can do, before my father loses mental faculties and my mother becomes incapacitated by dementia, to get some access to information? Can my sister continue this bullying behavior and keep all information from me and my husband legally?
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darling take my advice to keep trouble down show her what u are spending take it from someone just went through this i came from a family of 12 and beleive me it was ok at first but when i wouldnt lend any more money out to certain ones in the family theu got STUPID they drugged me into court...i had no account for at all i really didnt think i should had my dad was being taken care of i didnt spend the money on me or my family but i couldnt account for some of the money but at the end or a yr or so they finally found out that it wasnt me that was spending the money i just went and got the money .....because i was the only one on my dads account and trust and believe if i had it to do all over again i wouldnt have went through this i would had got my dads permisssion to sell his home and move in with me instead me moving in with him. not saying my dad would had did it but i sure would had suggested it cause the mess i went through with my family OMG you would not beleive it i got strip down from D.P.O.A. i had to move out of my dads house because all them went against me and it was partly my fault i should had kept account but i didnt...so take my advice if you do not want to go through what i went through then show her if you do not have anything to hide show it to her cause she can easliy take you to court and make you show it...
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Me123, I'm one of 7 and am solely charged with the 24/7 care of Mom, and pay all her bills, etc. Two of my siblings think I should put her away, because they think I am spending all of her money. The others don't care about the money and are glad I am keeping her home for as long as I can. Unfortunately, none of them ever call just to see how she is doing, or to ask if I need help. I have to pay someone to sit with her just so my husband and I can get out on the weekend. As I have found with most families, the care always falls on one person's shoulders, while the rest go on with their lives! I stopped calling them to give them updates on Mom's health. I figure if they really want to know, they'll call me, but they don't.
I'm not saying this is you. If you are so worried about your parents care, why don't you contact elder services in their area and ask for help. There is no legal reason why you shouldn't be privy to your own parents health conditions. If you feel that strongly about what your sister is or isn't doing for them, you need to step up and do something.
If your niece is a lawyer, she is probably providing legal documents to the facility your parents are in, as to who can be given information on their conditions. The question is, are these really legal, or something she drew up to keep you away. As for your sister, she had better be keeping a record of how their money is being spent. When it runs out, the state will ask for an accounting of the last 3 years and if she doesn't have receipts, she will be liable to pay it back.
My advice is to seek legal help to be able to be a part of your parents well being. Good luck!
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SOMETIMES U MAY BE LIABLE BUT WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE AND THEY FIND OUT THE TRUTH WELL LETS JUST SAY GOD WAS ON MY SIDE AND THE SUIT IS OFF OF ME MY FAMILY HAD IT REMOVED BUT YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T BLAME THEM THEY DID WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS RIGHT AND COME TO FIND OUT I WASN'T THE ONE SPENDING THE MONEY ..I TOOK CARE OF MY FATHER TO THE END
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I have a sister who cares for my mother. She also helps herself to all of her money. Of course she is taking care of mom. That is her lifeline. My father died a few yrs ago. My sister stole all of his savings when he got sick.She even admitted to it. Said most of it went to the lottery. Had his atm card on her all the time. Would right checks to herself and sign my fathers name. A little over a year ago she talked my mother into taking a reverse mortgage. My sister was in charge of everything. Me, my other sister and brother had no say in anything. She took the max. that the bank would give for the house. $242,000.00. My mother never comprehended what she did. She always says she has no money. She really thinks she has no money. While my sister now has my mothers atm card and her check book. Drives through the atm. Takes what she wants. Money for beer, lottery. What ever she wants. Oh..and she collects an SSI check every month and food stamps. She is living quite well over with my mother. I no longer speak to my family. I am mad that my mother is allowing this. I have tried to tell her what is going on. She just keeps saying that its not her money she is spending because she doesn't have any. Wow!! I wrote my sister a nasty email telling her what I thought of her. Told her I will see her in court someday for taking what should of been mine someday. My father worked hard all his life. Most of it working 2 jobs all the time. I know he would of wanted all of his kids to get something someday. If he was still here none of this would be going on. Yes..there is a reason my sister takes good care of my mother. The reason is money. I really hope something bad happens to my sister. I hater her so much!
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Power or Attorney? If YOU are the POA or DPOA, you have a perfect solution. You have a lawyer draw up a "caregivers contract." If your parent is not competent, you, as the POA sign it. Have it state that You will get $15 an hour for 8 hours a day, (or whatever you think is fair), regardless of other help, daycare, or whatever help you have. You, as the Primary Caregiver is entitled to be paid from your parent. Remember, its not taking money from your parent, its taking money for what YOU deserve for taking care of them, AND its taking money away from the siblings inheritence in which they do not deserve for not doing anything. As for them asking for how things are spent. Keep your OWN records and you do not have to show them anything unless your parent dies and you then get a lawyer. Keep all receipts and only spend the money on your parent until you get the caregivers contract, then you get paid legally. Even if you get $5,000 a month, its 1/2 the cost of a nursing home!
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I agree with lovmom! I'm 1 of 7 and am the only one caring for Mom. My younger sister is POA, and adds cash to Mom's account when I need it. I'm sure at least 2 of them will want to know where all the money went when Mom is gone, so I'm keeping receipts. Personally, if there is nothing left for the absentee siblings, I'm all for it! They can't even call once a month to see how Mom is doing, and they all but one live less than an hour from Mom. They don't deserve a dime. Besides, they have already borrowed enough from her over the years, and did not pay it back. They are all well off and have homes and nice cars, which they were able to afford because of years borrowing from Mom. I think they already got their share!
Definitely get a fee for all you are doing! You deserve it!
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HI Deefer12, I think thats great and I hope you take at least 8 hours a day, I take 10 on the weekends but do more and am up at night, etc.
If you and your sis who is the POA ever have an argument (and dont say never) they could accuse you of taking Moms money. Get it in writing ok?
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Don't know of anything that states that you owe your sister an accounting of your mom's funds. If you are the Representative Payee for your mother's Social Security, you are supposed to be tracking where the money is being spent. Not sure of what obligations you have for being power of atty. It's always best to keep track of how someone else's money is being spent just in case. As stated above you don't owe your sister anything but sometines it's good to keep the peace. If you have nothing to hide and you show her you are being responsible then maybe she will back off.
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You do not have to tell her anything tell her not to get her blommers in a bunch if you want to keep account for yourself that is fine do not tell her a thing where is she when you need a break counting her money-you have POA for a reason your Mom trust you,
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I have to say this! The majority of us are not in this for the money! Most of us had hard working parents that didn't expect to end up like this. Whatever money is left, should go to their care and comfort. I don't think any of us have the right to expect an inheritance if it is needed for their care. They worked hard so that they could have a comfortable end to their lives. It is their money not ours and should be used as such.
But I also feel that we as caregivers need compensation just to be able to survive. Most of us have given up our jobs and yes, what should be the best part of our lives, to care for someone. if you have siblings that do not help, but are hovering for their share, then maybe they should put in their share of care giving too!
Unfortunately, there are also the bad care givers that take advantage of their charges. Shame on them! But there are ways to deal with them also.
It's high time our country realizes that families are struggling with the all too real problems of caring for our elderly. My hope would be that some form of aid could be available for all struggling caregivers, someday.
In the meantime, everybody hang in there and take care!
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Deefer12
Ditto, I agree completely. Since when do our parents owe us an inheritence? Should there is money left, why should the non caregivers reep the benefits of it. My Dad certainly wouldnt have wanted his loving wife to be put in a nursing home so that the children take the money. Of course he wanted to leave money to his children, but he always asked to please "take care of Mom" first.
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Actually it's the 'love' of money that is the root of all evil. Money in and of itself isn't the problem.
When I first started taking care of my mother-in-law's finances, the bank suggest that the check book have a carbon attached to every check, so every time I write a check for her expenses, there is a copy for any family member that might want to see it. Also paying her bills online and having the other brothers have access to that account was one of my better ideas. I'm seeing a trend here, that when things are 'above board' everything is good and everyone seems to get along. BUT when there's something shady going on with the mom/dads finances, then there's nothing but turmoil, suspicion, trouble and hurt feelings.
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I would keep records for my protection if I were you. Then I would ignor your sister.
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Jnlhouck ...
I know this is an old thread, but I'd like to point out two things, here.
1) As the caregiver and person holding the DPOA, you have a responsibility to show that you are spending this money to the benefit of the one being cared for. If there are "grey" areas (i.e. household expenses, etc.) that seem to be covering more than just her personal care, try making out a list of what you do, what you provide, how many hours you contribute to your mom's care. Set up a budget that shows your monthly expenses, and be sure to list a reasonable "charge" for your service.

2) No, your sister doesn't have the right to make you give her this information, but if you were abusing the 'caregiver' relationship, she'd be within her rights to call you on it. She cares - you can prove yourself to her or not, but in the end, you DO know if you aren't doing it right. If you have to justify any expense to yourself, that's a red flag.

Another way to do this is to set up a separate account for your mom and her income - set up her bills on an autopay system, so that you will not always have to withdraw cash or checks, and document eveything. Make copies of all medical bills, prescriptions, etc. Don't just assume that it's okay to spend her money, even if it benefits her. If you are spending $600/month in groceries but your mom only eats cereal ... something is screwy. Is her money supporting you and your family? Do you have your own income?

I believe your sister has a right to see what you are doing, if only to assure herself that you are not abusing the power. What would you do in your sister's place?

That said, I also realize that family members are not always rational in their accusations. So, be the grown-up. Own up to your responsibility in this - you don't HAVE to jump through her hoops, but validating your expenses won't harm you, unless your sister is right.
~FyreFly
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I'd tell your sister to get bent. I am in a similar situation and my time and effort is worth way more money than the tiny check that comes in from SS. If your sister has a problem with it, let her take care of your mother. The nerve of some people! That money is to take care of your mom, exactly what you are doing. It makes me so angry to even read this, being in the same situation as you are. I DARE ANYONE in my family to ask me the same question, and they have no right to unless they are willing to step up and help because caregiving consumes your whole life regardless of how much or really little money is coming in for the expenses. Good luck to you.
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I like the "openess idea". Secrets breed hostilities. If that is what you want continue doing what you are doing. As DPOA you have responsiblities to use this money only for your Mom. Any sibling can ask for an accounting. Just be open and save yourself any trouble in the future.
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