Follow
Share

My brother told my mom he wouldn’t come to her funeral and wouldn’t speak to her again unless she told him where I keep her money.


This happened a few months ago and he hasn’t spoken to her since. He made this awful statement to her ON HER BIRTHDAY.


What had precipitated this was he had wanted her to tell him where I keep her money. I am POA for her and executor for our dad’s estate. I will be her executor as well. Now I pay the bills for the nursing home she’s in.


She didn’t tell him and that’s what he got salted up about. He’s mainly salted up that he wasn’t named as executor. So he hasn’t spoken to her since.


Mom is in her 80’s but I hope she breaks all the records and lives another 35 years. She is doing well now in the NH but she’s had a couple of near-death experiences in the past year. I guess my question is, do I even have to contact him and let him know about her death when it happens? He doesn’t speak to anyone in the family.


I know I’ll have to deal with him eventually as he is named in her will. But the actual funeral. He said he wouldn’t come but I imagine he will come and showboat as the grieving son and bad mouth me to everyone behind my back like he did at my dad’s. I don’t even want to look at him or be the target of another spectacle. He made a big scene in the hospital screaming at me when my dad was in a coma and died the same night.


Am I obligated to tell him when she passes and her funeral arrangements? I couldn’t even grieve my dad properly because my brother has been such a nightmare.


Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
My OB was a total jerk who pulled this same stunt, after robbing my poor folks blind. He was to ashamed to come to dad's funeral, so he wrote this rambling, weird, long letter and said it was to be read at dad's funeral.

He was so furious that he was not named in the will and thought we'd all take his side. So dumb, dad left everything to mom.

A nephew got up and read about 5% of the ramble. Then threw the letter away.

This guy deserves NOTHING, in my book.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 28, 2019
Same here! When my dad passed he was demanding everything right away and I was like uhhhh...no one gets anything now except mom so go back under the rock you crawled out from under.

I love that this nephew read 5% and then threw it out! Hahaaa.

He truly deserves nothing but there’s no changing anything now. Mom clearly doesn’t want to and I don’t want to bludgeon her into it. Then I’d feel like I’m not much better than him. I think I will just have to deal with things as they are and as they come. I will try not to stress about it.

i think maybe I have been preoccupied with this kind of anxiety because i miss my dad a lot and this helps distract from the grief. So I am going to try to put this on a shelf for now and really deal with that loss.
(2)
Report
So you are trustee and funds held in trust. You may not be able to withhold his inheritance but double check with your lawyer, as trustee you may be able to structure it to disperse a bit over time instead of one lump sum? Don't know if he's just abusive or if there is an addiction issue. If the second you will actually be saving his life so he doesn't go on a bender, if the first, there's no fixing stupid and wash your hands of him. Sorry you're going thru all of this. Keep reminding yourself that once mom's gone you no longer have to interact with him. Not sure what time limit you have to disperse the estate but drag my feet I would. The more he pays his lawyer to harass you, the less he's going to get.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 28, 2019
Thank you! Excessive foot dragging...this is exactly my plan when the time comes! I discussed it with the bulldog lawyer already, who said it was the best course of action. Kind of a silent filibuster!

I actually don’t think he has a drug or alcohol problem. I think he is abusive all by himself. I just saw my mom and had a good visit with her. She didn’t even want his name mentioned so I have decided I will let go and let be. But I am feeling much calmer about this today.
(1)
Report
Look into getting a restraining order. So sorry you have to deal with him...what a waste of a life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 28, 2019
Thank you. So after he sent me a threatening email earlier this year, I had planned to do that, but then I thought that he would only be thrilled to have gotten a rise out of me. So I just ignored it. The only contact I’ve had with him since is when he sent me a lawyer’s letter asking for an accounting and my lawyer told him GFY because he’s not entitled to one while mom is still alive. He hasn’t contacted my mom again either. So I haven’t pursued that further at this point. I think it would only give him a perverse satisfaction and make him more determined to harass me through the legal system.
(4)
Report
Vent all you need. To answer your first question, no you do not need to inform him. If there are family members who you would like to attend her service inform them, but also tell them invitation only. Some funeral homes will also provide someone to keep brother out if this is your wish. Do the wake/service on the same day. Post a death notice after the fact, private services were held for close family and friends on xyz date. Instead of having mom disinherit him explain that you are racking up needles lawyer fees due to his persistent childish behavior and that instead of being disinherited you will be deducting those fees from his share because you were force to have an attorney reply to his. Keep track of all the bills, have your attorney write the addendum to the will, have mom sign it. Tell her it's so that the courts are aware that she knew of the situation before her passing and he can not brand you a theif or a liar.That way if hes left with nothing, not your monkey not your circus. Also don't forget to pay yourself the 10% executor fee, plus all mileage. Are your mom's accounts held jointly in both of your names or just hers? If jointly, guess what per banking laws, those are solely your funds upon her passing, not his, not part of her estate. Just saying.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 28, 2019
Thank you. I wish I could get my mom to sign something like this. I have asked. She just won’t do it. No matter how many times I explain something like this is not disinheriting, she doesn’t seem to get it. It’s not a matter of being incompetent, she has all her faculties. I think she has guilt as isthisreallyreal said.
I paid the lawyer’s fee out of her assets and do plan to reduce his share for that. I haven’t paid myself anything at all yet except to reimburse for transportation but I’m definitely doing that as well.
To answer your question, most of these assets are held in a trust for which I am trustee and he and I are beneficiaries.
I might talk to her again. This is making me so angry. To have this needless suffering in my life when I could be using the energy for other things.
(4)
Report
I think your mom has some guilt and that is why she won't disinherit him. I am sure she knows that he was shaped by what he was exposed to as a child and she could have changed that.

It is so sad that she can't see that he has a choice every time he is an azzhole and rewarding him only validates his behavior.

I am glad that you have a good attorney for dealing with the crazy, if need be. Let's all hope he just goes away.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tell NH never to let him near your mother...he’s probably on drugs. You have no obligations to ever speak to him let alone tell him about funeral. He doesn’t care about anyone especially you or your mother. Also I would contact attorney to keep him away...have mother change Will with wording in Will explain reasons why he will be excluded from inheritance. Have your mother sign it. Attorney can come to NH for convenience. Stay as far away from him as possible. Mother needs $$$$ for her LTC . Protect her assets from him. Good luck & 🤗 hugs. I’m sorry you have this additional headache to deal with. Just treat him like the criminal he is.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 27, 2019
Thank you 💜
The NH has been great, they now know about all of this. He’s called the unit trying to get information about her and they shut him right down.

I have tried to get mom to change her will. She flat out refuses. Still!

“He’s my son,” she’ll just say over and over. It’s infuriating. And whenever any of this stuff comes up, her severe depression and anxiety return. I don’t want to see her like that because I worry it will shorten her life so I avoid the subject.

I am in complete control of her assets now. He can’t get to them and doesn't know where they are. But when she passes I am obligated to provide an accounting and will need to start dividing them up and at that point I fear a horrible free for all. I have some anger toward her for not protecting me.
(5)
Report
Thank you folks for your kind responses.

I actually have consulted an attorney because he already asked for stuff he is not yet entitled to. I won’t speak to him directly and don’t ever plan to. Only through the attorneys. I will plan to use this same attorney to help administer the estate.

You know what really bugs. I don’t care that he thinks I’m stealing. I know he only thinks that because thats what he would do. But what sucks is my mom won’t disinherit him even though he has done nothing but cause pain to so many people. He is basically being rewarded for abusive behavior. I don’t blame mom because she took a lot of abuse in her life and has battered women’s syndrome. But it still disappoints me that she can’t get out of that mindset and won’t protect me.

What fills me with such dread is that I expect that after she passes, he is going to drag me through court proceedings forever. Just for sport. Whenever I get a letter from an attorney my anxiety level shoots through the roof.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Jul 27, 2019
I would check into what recourse you have for that kind of harrassment. I believe he can be charged with abuse of public resources.

It is well worth finding out and then going after him if it can be done. I know you can counter sue for expenses and maybe more. If he starts find the meanest bulldog attorney and fight fire with fire.

Man, I feel for you having such a useless hateful sibling, I assume he walks in your dads shoes based on your comments about mom and her abuse. I apologize if I am wrong.
(1)
Report
I wouldn't tell him, nor would I deal with his inheritance, I would spend the money and have an attorney deal with him.

Sorry to say it but your brother is a piece of trash. Who says that to their sick mom.

I am sorry that you weren't able to properly grieve your dad, learn from that experience and don't go through it again.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
alexis9368 Jul 27, 2019
Thank you for that information. I do actually have a mean bulldog attorney on retainer who I think is right for the job. She has told me best thing to do is try my hardest to get mom to change her will but the last time I asked mom about a month ago she still said no. There are other beneficiaries, but as it is now my brother and I are equal heirs.

You are correct. My dad was abusive to my mom and now my brother is acting just like dad was when dad was at his very worst. The difference is that my dad had stopped his abusive behaviors for the past several years and was very good to mom. I reconciled with dad, my brother never did. He wasn’t even on speaking terms with my dad when my dad passed because my dad told him he was sick of his harassment about money. You’d never guess that happened with all the crocodile tears at the wake. I think they say that the one who screams the loudest feels the most guilt? I don’t know if he’s capable of guilt though.

I’m having a bad night. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and wake up a different person with a completely different life. This has got to be the most thankless job in the universe.
(3)
Report
If you want him to know she has passed, simply put a death notice in the newspaper. You will have met your obligation. At her funeral, have some male relatives on stand-by for any bad behavior on his part. They can escort him out of the venue. If it continues, don’t hesitate to call the police. Consider yourself an only child from now on.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

No, you are not obligated to tell him anything. He is a toxic money grabber, let him go.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter