"Are you actually seeking permission to stay away?" I am with CM, it sounds like maybe u and Mom may not get along hence that is why ur living in your own place.
Is her cancer terminal? Are you going to be expected to give care?
If its just a daily visit, go with the flow. You don't have to spend hours with her. Since at one point she didn't see you at all, she may be happy with an hour or two a day. Me, I am a talker but not an entertainer. I do not do puzzles or games and will not do them to make someone happy. I will play bingo and rummy but not for hours. Me, I do like to clean up. What they call light housekeeping. So I clean up while I talk.
You may find Mom needs a deep cleaning of her place. Take a room at a time per day. I would start with the bathroom. Maybe those tub curtains can do with a good wash. Everything scrubbed down. Kitchen may need a good cleaning. Bedrooms and living areas not so much. I would do a good clean and after that its just maintaining. You can keep yourself busy and talk to Mom. I did this for a disabled friend why she was in Rehab. Then I bought her Swifter dusters and dry mop for quick jobs.
Your question does kind of insinuate that Mom maybe a problem. If so, now is the time to set Boundries for you. If the visit is going well, then stay a couple of hours. Make her a nice lunch or bring take out. If she is a napper, thats when u leave. If the visit is not going so well, cut it short. And tell her why. If she is abusive say "Mom I will not tolerate you hollering at me, demeaning me, abusing me (whichever it is) so I will be leaving now. Will stop by tomorrow." And walk out. At 92 she needs you more than you need her. She needs to be aware of that. If you find visiting every day is just too much, cut back. For me mornings are not good. If I have nowhere I need to be, I don't get going till noon. So for me, my Mom won't see me till afternoon. And my family and friends are very aware of my habit. No calls before 9 am unless an emergency. What I am trying to say is my Mom went by my schedule, I didn't go by hers. If she is used to morning appts but you prefer afternoons, then she will need to do afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, and compromises but it does not need to always be her way. Which some elderly think it should be, they are entitled.
So, the time you visit all depends on how the visit goes. You were smart not to move in together. We all need a place to fall all to ourselves. If the phone becomes a problem, nip that in the bud.
Welcome to the group. We are full of info and experience. You have a problem...there is someone in the forum that is probably going thru the same thing you are. Vent all you want but warn us its just a vent.😏
We really need more information, such as how does your Mom keep busy during the day? Is she totally on her own the whole time? Does she get phone calls from friends and relatives? Or does she stay alone in the house with you as her own source of conversation?
Your Mom may still see you as 25 or 30 years old instead of being near or is a senior yourself. Thus, in her mind you can able to do things for her but in reality that ship had sailed. I know my folks were confused when I told them I don't do ladders any more.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit every day for an hour or so after I got off from work. Then I had to cut back as I was getting behind on taking care of my own home. Then I did every other day for an hour. Eventually it was down to once a week when I brought Dad supplies. Dad had his own caregiver who kept him company in the mornings, and Dad was around people from his own generation. He was quite happy with the arrangement.
How can anybody outside your family circle *possibly* know what her expectations are, what your feelings about visiting her are, what practical routines she might need help with, or why in heaven's name you moved so close to her in the first place if you knew you didn't want to encounter this kind of daily obligation..?
I think your username says it all: it's up to you how long you stay during a visit with your mom. You get to make those decisions, as an adult in charge of your life, and after moving to your mother's city to help care for her. At 92 years old and living independently, with all of her health issues at play, I'd look into getting her paid caregivers to come into her home to help her daily for 4 hours at least. She pays for those caregivers, of course, not you. Then you'll know she's got that help in place for those hours which frees you up, mentally and physically, and you can go over for a short visit at a later time.
Is her cancer terminal? Are you going to be expected to give care?
If its just a daily visit, go with the flow. You don't have to spend hours with her. Since at one point she didn't see you at all, she may be happy with an hour or two a day. Me, I am a talker but not an entertainer. I do not do puzzles or games and will not do them to make someone happy. I will play bingo and rummy but not for hours. Me, I do like to clean up. What they call light housekeeping. So I clean up while I talk.
You may find Mom needs a deep cleaning of her place. Take a room at a time per day. I would start with the bathroom. Maybe those tub curtains can do with a good wash. Everything scrubbed down. Kitchen may need a good cleaning. Bedrooms and living areas not so much. I would do a good clean and after that its just maintaining. You can keep yourself busy and talk to Mom. I did this for a disabled friend why she was in Rehab. Then I bought her Swifter dusters and dry mop for quick jobs.
Your question does kind of insinuate that Mom maybe a problem. If so, now is the time to set Boundries for you. If the visit is going well, then stay a couple of hours. Make her a nice lunch or bring take out. If she is a napper, thats when u leave. If the visit is not going so well, cut it short. And tell her why. If she is abusive say "Mom I will not tolerate you hollering at me, demeaning me, abusing me (whichever it is) so I will be leaving now. Will stop by tomorrow." And walk out. At 92 she needs you more than you need her. She needs to be aware of that. If you find visiting every day is just too much, cut back. For me mornings are not good. If I have nowhere I need to be, I don't get going till noon. So for me, my Mom won't see me till afternoon. And my family and friends are very aware of my habit. No calls before 9 am unless an emergency.
What I am trying to say is my Mom went by my schedule, I didn't go by hers. If she is used to morning appts but you prefer afternoons, then she will need to do afternoons. There are exceptions, of course, and compromises but it does not need to always be her way. Which some elderly think it should be, they are entitled.
So, the time you visit all depends on how the visit goes. You were smart not to move in together. We all need a place to fall all to ourselves. If the phone becomes a problem, nip that in the bud.
Welcome to the group. We are full of info and experience. You have a problem...there is someone in the forum that is probably going thru the same thing you are. Vent all you want but warn us its just a vent.😏
We really need more information, such as how does your Mom keep busy during the day? Is she totally on her own the whole time? Does she get phone calls from friends and relatives? Or does she stay alone in the house with you as her own source of conversation?
Your Mom may still see you as 25 or 30 years old instead of being near or is a senior yourself. Thus, in her mind you can able to do things for her but in reality that ship had sailed. I know my folks were confused when I told them I don't do ladders any more.
When my Dad moved to senior living, I use to visit every day for an hour or so after I got off from work. Then I had to cut back as I was getting behind on taking care of my own home. Then I did every other day for an hour. Eventually it was down to once a week when I brought Dad supplies. Dad had his own caregiver who kept him company in the mornings, and Dad was around people from his own generation. He was quite happy with the arrangement.
How can anybody outside your family circle *possibly* know what her expectations are, what your feelings about visiting her are, what practical routines she might need help with, or why in heaven's name you moved so close to her in the first place if you knew you didn't want to encounter this kind of daily obligation..?
Are you actually seeking permission to stay away?
Good luck!