My DH had the same distance issue with his mother in a very good NH, 2.5 hours away although not out of state. He phoned for about an hour every second day, and visited every two or three weeks (which took a whole day). Of course there were extras when necessary. Two brothers who were closer visited once a week. DH also did all the paperwork stuff. That worked for years until the end, when she was 97 – fading but no dementia. Best wishes finding a solution that works for you, Margaret
66 is not old. I have friends who are 72 still working. Mom is not too old to set up her own appts and transportation. She needs to realize you cannot just pick up and leave your family without something in place.
Has Mom had her appointment with the oncologist? If not, I think its important that you be there. I know with my Mom she tended not to hear everything and just excepted what the doctor suggested. I asked questions. Ur Moms doctors need to realize that you can't be there 24/7 if her chemo is going to take months. If you work, maybe take family leave at least to cover the worst part of her care. Its been explained here that family leave can be taken in increments.
Your girls are old enough to help out with your 10 yr old. Have them all together to help work out how we are going to help grandmom. This is scary for your Mom. If there is no partner, then I can see why she wants her daughter nearby. Really, until you know what will be involved with Moms care, you won't know what part you will need to play. 2hrs is not that far.
Not everyone is covered by family leave, that’s important to remember here. There are eligibility requirements—length of employment & number of hours worked in the last year as well as number of employees. And most people can’t afford to take unpaid leave, which is what FMLA is—it’s unpaid leave except in a couple states and the OPs state is not one of the states that provides paid family leave.
Kbeewill, I am so sorry your Mom is going through cancer. It can be downright scary and you feel you are losing your independence. Been there, done that. That is why your Mom would like for you to move back home. I know I didn't want to be alone.
I see your Mom is only 66 as per your profile, so I was wondering if she is still in the workforce? What about close neighbors? Does she have girlfriends she can surround herself with?
Is Mom taking chemo treatments? That can really wipe someone out so it is always good to have people who can take her to and from chemo appointments. Will she need major surgery, if that is the case, someone needs to be with her until she recovers from the surgery. Mom could hire a caregiver to help, if it is within her budget.
Children are raised so that they can leave the nest and feather their own. In turn they then choose (or not) to have their own children, and they should expect those children to leave their nest for their own lives as well. As to guilt, you are not a felon. You are not a criminal. You may wish you were a Saint and had no human limitations on your time, your life, the number of households you can manage and the number of people you can pack into your household. But those limitations cause us GRIEF. Not guilt. You can feel guilt when you take up the hurting of others and taking great joy in that hurt. Until then it isn't an option. Sorry. Sorry for the grief of all, but this is what it all comes to for each of us eventually.
Your first responsibility is to your children and husband. One of your daughters is only 10, she needs her Mum at home.
It is sad that your Mum has cancer, but it is not your problem, or it is not your job to be there with her. You can help from afar. You can research local organizations that provide rides for Cancer patients to and from appointments. You can help Mum get her paperwork in order, this may take a day of sorting and 2 appointments with a lawyer.
Mum will need an up to date Will, POA documents (finances and health) POLST or DNR id applicable. It is best to have a lawyer prepare these.
If you will act as her POA, you can arrange to get her bills online and pay them by signing a check with you name followed by POA. You will need to lodge a copy of the POA at the bank and may have to use their form. Here in Canada at least 2 years ago, Mum could not use online banking to pay step dad's bills, but could sign his cheques.
But you need to be very clear that your home and your life is in PA. You can decide how often you will go visit and for how long. Every second Saturday from 10-2 or whatever.
Grocery stores deliver as do pharmacies. She can hire someone to help inside the home (laundry, cleaning etc), if she needs personal care she can hire help for that too. If work needs to be done outside of the house, she can hire that as well.
66 is not old. I have friends who are 72 still working. Mom is not too old to set up her own appts and transportation. She needs to realize you cannot just pick up and leave your family without something in place.
Has Mom had her appointment with the oncologist? If not, I think its important that you be there. I know with my Mom she tended not to hear everything and just excepted what the doctor suggested. I asked questions. Ur Moms doctors need to realize that you can't be there 24/7 if her chemo is going to take months.
If you work, maybe take family leave at least to cover the worst part of her care. Its been explained here that family leave can be taken in increments.
Your girls are old enough to help out with your 10 yr old. Have them all together to help work out how we are going to help grandmom. This is scary for your Mom. If there is no partner, then I can see why she wants her daughter nearby. Really, until you know what will be involved with Moms care, you won't know what part you will need to play. 2hrs is not that far.
I see your Mom is only 66 as per your profile, so I was wondering if she is still in the workforce? What about close neighbors? Does she have girlfriends she can surround herself with?
Is Mom taking chemo treatments? That can really wipe someone out so it is always good to have people who can take her to and from chemo appointments. Will she need major surgery, if that is the case, someone needs to be with her until she recovers from the surgery. Mom could hire a caregiver to help, if it is within her budget.
As to guilt, you are not a felon. You are not a criminal. You may wish you were a Saint and had no human limitations on your time, your life, the number of households you can manage and the number of people you can pack into your household. But those limitations cause us GRIEF. Not guilt. You can feel guilt when you take up the hurting of others and taking great joy in that hurt. Until then it isn't an option. Sorry. Sorry for the grief of all, but this is what it all comes to for each of us eventually.
It is sad that your Mum has cancer, but it is not your problem, or it is not your job to be there with her. You can help from afar. You can research local organizations that provide rides for Cancer patients to and from appointments. You can help Mum get her paperwork in order, this may take a day of sorting and 2 appointments with a lawyer.
Mum will need an up to date Will, POA documents (finances and health) POLST or DNR id applicable. It is best to have a lawyer prepare these.
If you will act as her POA, you can arrange to get her bills online and pay them by signing a check with you name followed by POA. You will need to lodge a copy of the POA at the bank and may have to use their form. Here in Canada at least 2 years ago, Mum could not use online banking to pay step dad's bills, but could sign his cheques.
But you need to be very clear that your home and your life is in PA. You can decide how often you will go visit and for how long. Every second Saturday from 10-2 or whatever.
Grocery stores deliver as do pharmacies. She can hire someone to help inside the home (laundry, cleaning etc), if she needs personal care she can hire help for that too. If work needs to be done outside of the house, she can hire that as well.