I have it easy, but...How have others transitioned out of the caregiver role?

I don’t see how you have it “easy.”

My parents did not move in with mom’s parents when they needed more extreme help. Mom’s parents went to a nursing home. Dad’s went to an apartment when the farm got to be too much to even live on, then to a nursing home. My parents never considered moving to either of their parents’ homes at the sacrifice of their own, nor to move their parents in to their house (that would have been a disaster). My parents helped, certainly, and quite a lot, but never to the extreme of giving up their own established lives, jobs, homes, retirements, and futures. Their parents did not expect that of them, and would not have asked it of them.

I can relate with you completely. The past several years have little by little become completely revolved around my parents. I went from every 2 weeks, to every week to every other day. I did not give up my home although they wanted me to sell my home and move in with them. I might add that they have absolutely no room for me or my belongings. So I travel 45 minutes to their home from mine. I have lost touch with many friends and my hobbies have taken a back seat. It's hard to start a project with just one day in between each visit to my parents. They too don't see or understand all that I have given up to be there to do all their chores. I have tried to get outside help but my mom with dementia refuses. I actually wrote to this forum myself at the end of my rope. I finally had an agency come out and they agreed to hire them for one day a week. I was ecstatic!! That lasted for one visit. I planned on being there for the first few visits until they were comfortable with the "outside help" But my mom insisted that she could only come out when I am there and no other time. That completely defeated the whole point of having someone there when I wasn't. I finally let them know that I could only come twice a week from that time forward. A lot of responses I received were letting me know that my constant help was enabling them and not letting them see that they do need help. It has only been the second week now and I have a lot to do when I am there.
Thankfully you have your own space. Is home care something that they would go along with? If so I would certainly try that first. Cut back on the things you do for them. Once home care is in place, is it possible to move back to where your life and friends are? My parents are also late 80's and 90. I am 63 and completely worn out. Maybe a caretaker could live on the property where you are at now. Regardless of the advanced age of our parents, I too see no light at the end of the tunnel. This could still go on for year's to come.
My thoughts are certainly with you as I know exactly what you are going through. Good luck with whatever you may be able to set up so you can get your life back!!!!!

I can understand that your main issue now is ‘how to extricate myself from this situation’ without upsetting your parents, who thought that everything was going nicely.

My suggestion is to develop a crisis rather than waiting for one to happen. The crisis forces you to stop what you are doing, and forces everyone involved into realising that the future needs a different approach. At age 91 plus that’s true anyway – you can’t care for two aging parents, a large house and a property for the next 10 years. Propping things up with in-home carers is just postponing the inevitable for them, and solving nothing for you.

How to develop a crisis? Lots of ideas, mostly medical. My first idea is to find a ‘moon boot’, and say you’ve broken your ankle. The doctor says you have to stay off it as much as you can for 3 months, and it will never be strong enough to continue doing the jobs that are required now – let alone in the future. Those moon boots look very convincing!

Your 'emergency' needs to get you some sympathy, provide a good reason for starting again, and stop you being blamed for changing your mind.

Shickey99: I did see your update of 8 hours ago. I am glad that you are making other arrangements. So even though it may be a moot point that you'd quit your job, et al perhaps you can find other employment. Take care of yourself, while, at the same time, loving your parents.

You should talk to them about it and try to come up with a solution.
Maybe they could get a Live In?
Maybe they could just hire a Caregiver to come a few hrs a day?
Maybe you could check out a Senior Apartment they can both live in together?
Prayers

As described by several others, you can transition from doing all the hands-on care-taking of parents and property to helping arrange hired help. If your parents have the financial resources to do so, they might be able to stay in their home for virtually the rest of their lives.

If they lack resources, they will need to make other decisions about where to live. You love them and can help them make these arrangements, but you do not need to do everything yourself.

Accept that it will likely take some time to find the right people, especially for personal or live-in care, and there may be a few "misses," but eventually you may find just the right kind of person to take over for you.

Ask around at churches about people known to them who might be looking for long term living situations and a modest salary in exchange for doing the things you are doing now. If more intense personal or medical care is needed, appropriate help will need to be hired for that care

They died and now I’m free.
I’m not a quitter, I’m a person of my word.
One day, all of us will need care~
#GoldenRule

You are such an angel to do what you did for your parents. But I do think that you need to think it over a little more now. Can you talk to your elderly parents and explain how you are feeling? I am sure that your parents are so grateful that you are there to help them but what about your life and needs. I hope you make the changes that are right for you and your dear parents.

Hello,
Myself and my brother was caregiver for our. My mother lived with me so I became the primary caregiver. I would say that it has to be in your heart. Not one time did I question myself for the position that God allowed me to be. I went through caregivers anxiety because it was new. But when I thought about the sacrifice my mother made and the smile she had on her face when she saw me was priceless. I refused to put her in a nursing home. She would sometimes tell me how thankful she was for me taking care of her. Everyone is different. I don't comprehend your question or reasoning.

I feel as though you're not saying it but you've loss your freedom and that means more to you than caring for your mother. I get it I didn't have a casual life of my own either. But the JOY I felt caring for my mother. And I would do it a thousand times again. I have no regrets!

Your mother bought you here. I don't understand. It's sad and I feel sorry for your mother because I know she feels it and terrified as to what's going to happen to her. You have the right to have your opinion and I'm not judging you either. But I would never turn my back on the one who loved me enough to keep me. God will bless you! Honor thy mother and father! That means through sickness too not just in good health.

Call Social Service for direction as well as her insurance coordinator. Their job is to ASSIST you in getting the help and equipment that she needs. Also A Place for Mom. I Know it's scary but I promise you that if you hang in there you'll be at peace and you'll be glad that you did without regrets.

Good luck to you.

I’ve got to the stage where I look at the language on posts like this. For example “when I thought about the sacrifice my mother made”. What sacrifice? Having a baby that she wanted to have? Or “your mother bought you here”. How much did you cost? Was the ‘sacrifice’ that you were too expensive? (OK I’ll admit that last one is a bit snotty)

And “I promise you that if you hang in there you'll be at peace and you'll be glad that you did without regrets”. How are you going to live up to that promise, Benton? What are you going to do if it doesn’t work out? What will you say to God about that?

Lastly “You have the right to have your opinion and I'm not judging you either. But I would never turn my back on the one who loved me enough to keep me”. This isn’t even a ‘therapeutic lie’. It’s blindingly obvious that you ARE judging and condemning someone who doesn’t go along with your ideas of right and wrong.

Moonboots to you, Benton!

I am in the same position, and I can definitely relate. I’m glad you are finding your way out. Although I wasn’t asked, I saw that my mom and stepdad needed help. She has multiple myeloma and was struggling with infections and kidney problems. My stepdad has very early dementia and other health issues. I retired five years ago and was traveling and staying in spiritual communities. Seeing the need, I left that life three years ago and came to a rural area on the east coast to stay with the folks and help them out. Since that time my mom has broken her hip and suffered a mild stroke, but is able to get around the house without assistance. I am pretty much chief cook, “bottle washer (I do the cleaning), chauffeur, secretary, gardener, secretary, personal assistant, and medical interpreter. They refuse to seek outside help.
While I had somewhat come to peace with putting my life on a shelf for a while to take care of them, a recent medical issue brought some clarity. I will need shoulder surgery in the next few months, and it became obvious that my mother would be unwilling for a friend of mine to stay with us to help me (and them) after the surgery. I have realized that I’m not getting any younger (I’m 55), and I need to take care of myself as a priority.
My first step will be staying with some friends after the surgery, to get the help I will need, and to give the folks a trial run of what it will be like without help.
After that, we’ll see what happens, but I look forward to seeing how your separation works out.

Anyone who tells you that you have it “easy” is not worth listening to, and that includes your own inner critic!

I commend you for doing all you have done. I've done it for a year n thank God my mom lived up the road from me but one day she fell n broke 5 ribs n on top of that her knee gave out n couldn't walk. I let her stay in rehab n she will till she swaps to long term. It was to hard for me n I know I don't want to do it anymore. My siblings all understand as they don't want to move n take care of her. I'm legally blind n have my own issues so this is the way I transitioned out