My brother has caused us problems and that is why I am asking.

I see no problem in moving. It will be a little strange for Mom in the beginning but you will be there. Seems you have your ducks in a row. You deserve some happiness in this to.

Once you r settled in, you may want to see a Lawyer to go over your Care agreement and POA just to make sure they fit in that States guidelines. If lawyer sees no problem, I would have him write a letter to that effect.

Do you think your brother would buy u out?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Barbj112 Feb 19, 2020
No, there is no change of his buying me out. We co own 2 properties together. One is this house that I live in (40 grand) and 140 acres (300 grand). I have always promised him the land and he got angry when I did not donit fast enough and so he called APS. I tried 2 weeks ago to settle the matter and my brother wanted me to twll the attorney to email him a copy of the deeds, that my brother had drawn up 3 years ago! I refused, I am not his puppet. It is a mess and I have already typed way too much in the first 2 responses. I apologize to all for thenlengrh of them but as I said, I finally found a place of comfort because a lot of you have walked similar paths.

I can say this. I feel more uncertainty than when I 1st set out writing on my 1st
People who have always talked about moving to a warmer climate but are still hunkering down in Skegness every winter...

(you won't know the place, but its weather is famously "bracing" - see Google)

... generally are all talk. And the US being the US - how great a contrast in climate are we talking about between where your mother has always lived, and the state you'd like to move to?

Is there any way you could do this but not burn all your bridges, so that if it wasn't working you could retrace your steps?

Barbj, good luck to you and may it all be as good as you hope and deserve it will be. Only, please - caution! There are an awful lot of unknowns in there. Try not to make any decisions you can't reverse without too much difficulty.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse

Obviously, your mom is better off with you. You want to care for your mom. You are responsible. Your brother has not been caring or helpful. He is selfish and greedy. You are wise and I might add extremely generous to forgive him for pressing charges with elder abuse. Thank God the case was dismissed.

I think you should move. You say that you want to be close to your boyfriend. Do you mind telling me if that means living together? If so, I have to warn you that people think they can handle a parent live with them but it is a stressful situation and relationships can take a hit.

Overall, I say go for it. You and your mom deserve happiness.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Sorry, I missed your further information.

Yes, legally you can move house and you can take your mother with you. There's nothing abusive about it. APS at either end of the move wouldn't be interested. Your brother might use it as ammunition were he ever to apply for guardianship to overtake your POA, but let's face it he's never going to stir himself to do that, is he?

But none of this necessarily makes it a good idea, let alone best for your mother.

And what about you? If it weren't for the boyfriend, would you want to leave the place where you currently live?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
NeedHelpWithMom Feb 19, 2020
Good question about the boyfriend. He should not be the only reason for the move. Excellent point.

How serious is the relationship? Has it been a 'long distance' relationship for a long time? Things can change and the relationship won't be as she thinks they are. I hope for her sake it's a fabulous relationship that last. But yes, your point is a strong consideration.
See 1 more reply
Your POA requires you to act for your mother in the way that she would choose for herself, if she were still able to make decisions, and in the way that is in her best interests.

So. You want to move with your boyfriend to another state, and you want to take your mother to live with you. Looking at this purely from your mother's point of view, would the move be in her best interests?

Let's say you're moving anyway, come what may. Then, you need to weigh up whether it is better for your mother to stay put and receive care and support from someone else; or better for her if you remain her primary caregiver in another location.

The advantages and drawbacks on either side depend on all sorts of other factors, such as how advanced your mother's dementia is, how much change in her way of life the move would involve, how important contact with your brother is (I assume you'd be moving away from him and that's why he objects, is it?), what quality of life you could arrange for her in the new place, and how permanent that move is likely to be.

Come to that... how long have you been with your boyfriend? I'm not criticising, just asking - is the relationship itself one you hope to (how do I put this tactfully :/) make permanent? To generalise for a moment, and to be frank, I'd give it better odds if you weren't your mother's full-time caregiver.

You have a lot to think about and weigh up. If your mother doesn't come with you, just say, what are the options for her continuing care?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
Barbj112 Feb 18, 2020
Thank you for your insights and thought stimulating questions, countrymouse.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He and I have discussed what is best for mom. He lives in another state due to employment opportunities. He respects and verbally admires my commitment to mom as family is very important to him. He is a former Marine and an OTR truck driver. We are in a financially stable opportunity that would allow me to stay at home and care for mom without worrying about working.

I have not taken this process lightly or hastly. I think about these winter grey days and how it affects the both of us. I am 54. I believe a warmer climate would benefit the both of us.

I have a doctor's appointment for mom in March. It is my hope that the doctor will give us her blessing to move. If she does not, then we will remain here.

I am not running from my brother. He has been mostly absent from mom's life except for his bi yearly phone calls. He has been gone years without contacting her. He called APS soley because I would not jump to his demand of signing over property, that we co-own, as quickly as he wanted. He lacks understanding that I work full time and then come home and care take mom which leaves me little time to go to an attorney. I am sure he was hoping that APS would find something wrong so that he could put me in jail and get all the properties the he and I own. He does not choose to
understand the emotional, mental and physical toll care taking takes on me but that's ok, He does not want to understand that I cannot be spontaneous and take off in my car. I have to plan everything. There is a lot of sacrifice and I forgive him so I can move on. But I would not put it past him to take a position of wrongdoing should mom and I move.

Mom has been a loner since she was in her late 30s. She is 84 now. Mom wants to be with me. There is no one else to care of her. She has ALWAYS talked of moving to a warmer climate. I have worked in a nursing home and there is no way, at least in this moment on time, that I would place her when I have all the skills and qualities that make me a threat caretaker.

I guess I want my cake and eat it too meaning, I want to continue to care for mom and I want to be closer to my boyfriend. I want warmer climate for mom and I in hopes that it would ease our back pains.

I am not expecting a reply, I am sharing my story in the hopes that it helps someone else. If you find yourself thinking about care taking for a loved one, GET A POA AND A CARE TAKER AGREEMENT. Had mom and I not done this then my brother would have been causing even more havoc. Protect yourself.

Thank you, I have read so many of the postings and I have been helped greatly. I also feel connected and whole. I relate on so many levels!
Mom's dementia has progressed to where she does not recognize me on some days. When I ask if she would like to move with me, she is agreeable. We have discussed her care, should she get dementia, for 33 years now. I promised her I would care for her and would keep her out of a home as long as she is not a danger to herself or others. We drew up a Caretaker agreement as well as the POA document so that we could excute our plans without hassle.

My brother lives in another state. I would never leave mom with him because he would not sacrifice his lifestlye to care for her and ahe would end up in a home. He called APS 2 years ago because he got angry. That is how he solves his problems. They closed the case within a month, unfounded but the humiliation he caused me in my small town was immense. I previously worked in the APS capacity in our town.

I just want to know if I can legally move and take mom with me. I want to start a life qith my boyfriend and still leep my promise to mom.

Thanks all
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Barbj112

What does your mother think about the idea?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MargaretMcKen

Not much information here, why not leave her with your brother since he doesn't want her to move? Let him care for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to anonymous912123

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter