I do nothing for her, she doesn’t need me and I am stealing her money. I know this is supposed to be normal with dementia but she knows exactly what she is doing.
I am the remaining child. My brother (her favorite, always and without question) died several years ago so she is stuck with me. She complains about me and makes accusations to my three children, my nephew, my sister in law and the staff at her Assisted Living.
I am the only one that does anything for her. I am usually the only one who calls her or goes to visit. We moved her here from California a year ago and she has been very difficult to deal with ( putting it mildly).
She called me three days ago and again accused me of stealing her money. If the truth be known she owes me and my husband over $4,000. I have not heard from her since and I have not called her.
I have printed her bank statements and I plan to take them to her today. I have nothing to say but “Shame on You”
I could go on for hours……..Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent.
But since you didn't, pretend like she's there. Manage her care as if from afar. Don't go visit her. Don't pick up the phone. You don't have to provide reasons, and you don't have to take her abuse. Mail the bank statements.
She's beyond reasoning, so save your breath.
I have every compassion for those with this terrible disease, but when someone becomes a raving madwoman and takes it out on you, remove yourself from the action. You can keep the compassion, but she doesn't get to hurt you.
Her brain is broken. You cannot reason with a broken brain. It's in one ear and out the other. She will forget you showed her bank statements. She will forget your conversation within seconds. If you have nothing to say to her besides "shame on you" it's hardly worth the trip! Let her be.
Step back from her for a while. Limit contact. Help her from behind the scenes. Refocus your energies on your own self-care and your life. You say you've "had enough" so start acting like it.
I know that it can be hard to think someone with dementia isn't doing things on purpose, but honestly they're not. Your moms brain is now broken and it will NEVER get any better, only worse, so the best thing you can now do for yourself is to educate yourself about the disease of dementia, so you can be better prepared for the future and you won't take everything so personal.
I always recommend that book The 36 Hour Day, and Teepa Snows(a world renowned dementia expert)videos on YouTube. She has also written several good books on the subject.
And know too that if visiting your mom is causing you such stress, you don't have to go visit her as much. Perhaps keep it to once a week, and phone calls to a minimum as well.
You will get through this, and will come out much stronger and wiser when it's all said and done.
You don't have to take her calls. You don't have to visit. Just do what needs to be done for her. Pay her bills and make sure she has her necessities.
your mom probably isn’t doing this intentionally, or she just can’t help herself. As I tell my husband when he returns from seeing his mom, “ it’s the disease” .. maybe visualizing those words could help you deal with it.
If you are not her PoA, you are under no obligation to provide her hands-on care or management of her affairs. You just need to be at peace as to what her other options will be.
It may help you to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She's an expert in caregiving peope with dementia. She gives very practical tips on how to interact with people with dementia so that daily engagement with them can be more peaceful and productive. Understanding what dementia really is and how is makes our LOs change is super helpful.
But if you have long-standing resentment and unresolved personal problems with her (even abuse history) you should consider seeing a therapist so that you can creeate clear and strong boundaries. Don't do it because of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) -- it will burn you out in no time and maybe even wreck your health.