I have an elderly mother and am relocating with my partner to another city. What do I do?

If she has caregivers a few times a week will she manage on her own the other days?
Is it possible to place her in respite while the move is taking place? (If someone can not be there every day) Your move may stress her more than you realize.
Get everything set up before you bring her to her new home.
Find a good support group in your new area. This forum is great but you should have another.
If she has Social Security you can use that money to help with her moving costs and you can also use it to pay for her portion of rent or mortgage as well as other living expenses. Just make sure you keep a record of everything.
Until you have caregivers set up you should probably not look for a job as caring for mom will be a full time job. (you can also "charge" her for your care-giving)
Begin the Medicaid process now if possible. If you have been working with a Social Worker or Case Worker contact them and see what insights they may have.
(If you do place her in respite the social worker there might also have information that will help)
Welcome to the Chicago Area! (northwest suburbs here!)
I sure hope you enjoy our Deep Dish Pizza and Chicago Italian Beef they are well worth the move!

Well, you know what they say - put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help the other passengers :)

You really do need to get yourself settled and established before you can even think about whether to offer full-time support to your mother. But that's okay, that doesn't mean it'll never happen, that you're subconsciously planning to head for the hills and abandon her! It's just sensible. Once you're there, know the lie of the land, and know where your next pay check is coming from you will be *far* better placed to organise either relocation for your mother, or alternative support for her where she is.

Have you discussed any of this with her at all?

LA2MidWest,

Thank you for the update. Since your mother is doing well on her own with caregiver support, I think the decision you have made to leave her where she is for now is a good one. This would give you time to focus on your own job hunt, and once obtained you would feel better about bringing your mother into the picture.

Does she own a house you would have to sell? I understand that you found a house with a mother-in-law suite, so your plan is to move her in. She would no longer be living separately as she is now?

Such an exciting experience! Moving across the country and starting anew! This can work! As to the guilt and feeling ungrateful, that comes with the territory of caring for someone who is becoming increasingly dependent on us. You are a very important part of this equation and your desires have value too. You are not abandoning her. Life will just be different for awhile. It is a transition for all involved. Planning must be done, but luckily, we only have to live with the uncertainty and flux one day at a time.

For her sake, (and yours), increase the phone calls during the time of separation, making sure that you talk to the caregivers also. Facetime is a wonderful tool! It does not take the place of an actual visit, but can mitigate the feelings of separation. I pray all will go well for everyone.

Dear all, I want to say thank you for all the responses. The input has helped. We are going to leave her for a couple of months until we get settled; then, move her.

It gives me sometime to find a position.

Although, the feelings that I have over this make me feel very guilty and ungrateful.

How do I manage them?

Thank you all.

You need to really prepare yourself for what is to come because your partner may be OK with your mom moving in now but once she’s moved in and the dust has settled, they may not be so happy to have her there anymore. You might not be happy either. Taking in an aging parent that can no longer live alone is a huge step and it isn’t going to be easy.

your mom’s Medi-cal will not transfer to Illinois. Medicaid isn’t transferable and Medi-cal can’t be used outside the state, so your mom will have to apply for Illinois Medicaid which shouldn’t be a problem.

My opinion on this is to move her after you’ve settled in and found employment (assuming you plan to go to work). The last thing you should do is further the burden by moving her when there are financial burdens.

LA2Midwest,

So much is unclear. Your mother lives alone but has a caregiver. How old is she? What are her disabilities? Why is she in need of a caregiver? Is she asking to go with you?

You say that you only visit every two weeks, so I suppose she either gets lots of help from the caregiver or doesn’t need much. What does her caregiver think? If you were to move without her until you get established, would you be able to organize her care long-distance?

What has happened so fast? The decision to move, or the relationship? Please give us a little more information.

Please don't put this burden on your partner, that is just not fair. Get yourself a job, build up some money, then consider this move for your mother, although, overall it doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Medicaid cannot just be switched from state to state, she will need to reapply and all states requirements are different. I was an only child to my father and I would never consider doing this.

Medicaid will not automatically transfer from CA to IL. She will have to qualify again and reapply. The state limits and benefits under Medicaid may differ as each state runs Medicaid differently. Any low income housing benefits will need to be applied for again. Check with the area agency on aging to get a list of places to contact for assistance. If she is on Medicare advantage plan, check to see if it has an equivalent plan in new state. Make sure when you move her that you have copy of records from doctor to take with you as it can take time to get transferred especially if you are having lag to reapply and have ER visit. You don’t give info but please remember that in some areas doctors are not taking new patients on Medicaid.

Thank you so much for the responses. I needed to discuss this.

She is more than happy to contribute. We are moving from the West Coast/ LA to the Midwest. Chicago -- more than a thousand miles away. And, yes, she does live alone. I call her weekly and then, see her about every two weeks. I will not stop calling -- but, the visits will until -- I can get her out to the area. I do not want my partner to feel burden by my mom. I'm happy that he is willing to allow her to live with us.

Again, I'm an only child. And there is no other family left and she doesn't really have friends. She does have a caregiver.

I could wait and just tell her that until I can make the money to move her, she is going to have to sit tight. Is that the recommendation? Any and all help is really welcome. I'm feeling overwhelmed by this decision.

Thank you!

Avoid the black hole of bringing your mother to your new location. I speak as an only child.

If it’s difficult for your partner to take on the financial burden, then don’t move your mother in, at least not until you either have a job OR a written agreement from your mother agreeing to contribute financially to the household. Your mother has social security so she needs to use it help contribute.

Where does Mom live now? Is she living alone? If so that continues until there is need, and meanwhile you move, you settle, you work, you save for the future and visit when you can. Would be my advice. IF the partner is against Mom moving in at all then I think you need more time to discuss the future, or you will lose your partner.

I am not sure exactly what's going on here. Does she live with you now? Does she want to move? Why does your partner have to take on the financial burden?