She is provocative, saying sexual comments (like curse/sexual phrases, or "I never wear underwear, or "isnt he cute " ) She is very fiesty; was wild with men (who were mostly abusive) when she was young. She has anger outburts when she is made to wait . When I ask her to stop, she says "oh shut up" but says she is kidding. When I stand up to say my opionion or set a boundary she will become upset and say "I'm such a terrible mother, I could have a heart attack, Maybe I should kill myself". She denies saying these things. If I had not married my husband 5 years ago I cant imagine how bad it would be. She does not do this to my husband (hes' a psychiatrist) or my brother. I have low self esteem and guilt. I know she is not well , but have been in denial for so long, last year I was not eating enough or sleeping. My mother in law is also entitled - she is wealthy and would get irritated that I could not visit her during the week , saying "why do you work so much" Now that she is end life stages she is nice. My husband wanted to go out west to golf and visit relatives this winter, some who are difficult. My brothers wife says its a busy month for her. Already I know we would be resented. The trip would involve 3 stops and lots of driving. I said no, I need to go to the sun. I am finallly getting my health back. I need to go somewhere warm just the two of us. Ot just stay at home. We can do that trip some other year. I'm tired of feeling mistreated and burned out. I am doing the best I can with my mother- I even pay her home equity loan and let her order endless books off of my amazon account. I have empathy b/c she has lost most of her eyesight. Its a heartbreaking situation all around.
Mom’s personality is not going to change . Your psychiatrist husband should be able to help you with your feelings about your mother , if not maybe go to a therapist . This sounds like it’s been a life long problem that is now worse because you spend too much time with Mom .
A new plan is needed where Mom gets help in ways other than it being by family . Mom needs to hire help or go in senior living facility at the appropriate level of care she needs .
Boundaries for all . You go away as you need/want on vacation to a nice warm beach not near relatives and don’t take mother in law or Mom with you either .
What diagnostic work has been done for your mother?
Does she suffer from mental illness or dementia?
Or is she diagnosed with BOTH?
Who is her POA?
Where does she live, and with whom?
It is very important to differentiate LEGALLY between mental illness and Dementia.
If your husband is a Psychiatrist, as you say, then he already knows all about all of this.
I am sorry to be so very bluntly honest with you, but this doesn't sound like a family situation in which there is a lot of knowledge or insight into exactly what is happening.
Guilt is, of course, out of the question and an inappropriate choice of words. What you are feeling is grief along with anxiety, confusion, and likely more than a bit of anger. Guilt would require causation, and your mothers condition, whether it is mental dementia or mental illness, has not been "caused" by you.
Wishing you the best of luck.
You all need professional help in deciding how much interaction you wish to have with your mother. And you need to take responsibility for your own choices where she is concerned, I do think.
If your husband wants to go on a golfing trip, don't tell him to put it on hold for "some other year." You don't know how much time you both have left. Just work with him on making it right for the two of you. You want to go somewhere warm -- there are warm places out west, where you can relax and rest, to add on to the trip. If the driving is too much, fly to one of stops, rent a car to drive around out there, and then fly home. If you think you would be resented by a sister-in-law, stay in a hotel in their location instead of at their home. You can use the money you have been wasting on your mother's equity loan and books to pay for the airfare and hotel. Please don't prioritize your mother over your husband. Re-learn how to relax and have fun with him. You deserve this, for your physical and mental health.
The best you can do with your mother will never be good enough for her -- not because of YOU, but because of HER. She's not capable of appreciation. So stop trying, and stop wasting your time on her. Spend your time with people who appreciate you and make your life pleasant. You totally deserve this.