I have a question. It may have been asked before and if so I apologize.

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I'm interested to know if since your loved one who you were caring for died, have you found yourself less tolerant of anything that even resembles bad behavior towards yourself. I know that I am much more inclined to not just let things go anymore. I had a run-in with my sister yesterday and in the past it would be bothering me to the point where I would probably have phoned her and apologized even though it wasn't me who was in the wrong. Now I am just fine with it and she can jolly well apologize to me. Can anyone one there relate to this?

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Gershun,
Yes I have found myself less tolerant to people. Since the end of February I've been caregiving to my MIL and my husband. Actually I've taken care of hubby for quite a while now, but he has gotten much worse recently.

The stress makes me short tempered in certain situations. I feel the weight of the care that falls on my shoulders. It is worse since MIL was dx'd with dementia. My husband was supposed to care for his mom, the SIL was supposed to care for her mom.
I landed in the odd job of doing it all. My husband needs care and the sister thought I should be able to go and care for MIL too.

Basically I do all the care taking and members of the family descend, ... my Stepdaughter drops her dog and kids off for my to take care of and gets a motel. My SIL shows up and goes out to eat with SD.
They then tell ME how I could be doing better with MIL. And SD's husband gets upset because I don't plan on large meals to feed them when they drop by.

They want to borrow my Subaru because MIL likes to ride in it. Then want to know all the details about the caregiving for both MIL and my husband.

MIL will no longer be my responsibility in August. My husband is not getting better and the stress of now making all of the farm decisions coupled with his care make me shorter tempered.
Good thing hubby's hearing is bad!

I mutter snarky stuff under my breath and the other day I threw a hay fork because something didn't quite work.

I realized I was this way because I've been holding it all in and not letting it out.

When Stepdaughter informed me that she'd come and get my car to take her Grandma on errands today I said NO! When she said she'd drop off her dog, I said "Bring a kennel."
When SIL texted and said "BTW...you need to...blah blah blah..." I texted, "OH? No."

I am done hearing their complaints about how 'tough' it is on them. And I said so.

I also made sure that I have a few things I can do for ME. That helps a lot.
Stick up for yourself and stand your ground.
Kudos.
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Reply to Val3rie
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Gershun,
Do you mean is anyone else intolerant, irritable, after caregiving?

Not sure many people want to be as honest about their shortcomings, if it is indeed a shortcoming. I think maybe it is being human.

No one has died recently, but I know that I am intolerant. On the way into Denny,'s late-night, I opened the door, not seeing two people approaching, so I held the door and waited. What followed was a steady stream of young adults.

What, was I supposed to hold the door for 15 people? I just decided to walk in, mid-stream, and thought they were rude, while they must have thought this grandma was rude.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Gershun,

I'm thinking it must be cumulative stress. I used to have a lot of tolerance for inconsiderate or rude behavior, shrugging off mistreatment and still being kind. After my father died and everything was turned upside-down, not so much. Overreacting and getting lathered up over things I used to let go; this is the new me, and I'm not sure I like her very much.
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Reply to CantDance
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Madge, I think it probably is stress overload in your case. You have been so strong for your Viking.

In my case, I don't yell at people for no reason. But, my patience ain't what it used to be that's for sure. My sister got all offended at an e-mail I sent her and let me have it. I reread it and really couldn't see what she was offended by so I sent her one back and told her just that. In the past I would have apologized even if I thought I was in the right. I don't know. I don't think it's my job to make everyone feel vindicated. What about my vindication. All I have is myself when it comes right down to it. So, I'm going to stick up for myself. No one else is doing it.
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Reply to Gershun
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Gershun,
I noticed that when I hit menopause, I became a *itch. I used to take bad treatment but, with the ending of estrogen and 'feeling' the small amount of testosterone (that all women have), anything sets me off. I don't take any ____ from anybody. I'm trying to tone it down and be calm.

Then, add caregiving of both parents (I'm an only child) and "surviving" their poor health, doctor trips, dementia, bad treatment, accusations, etc., I think we're destined to have a bad attitude (IMHO).

I feel like I'm "sitting on the fence" waiting for "the call" from the Memory Care Home (mother is 95, end stage 6 Alzheimer's), also I have no idea of my son (the heroin addict's) health and what his future (if any) holds. It's a constant state of anxiety which can cause the intolerant responses that I didn't have previously.

I think our "sewer system for bad emotional drainage" has clogged up and is backing up into our nervous system. Or maybe we're just older, tired of taking crap and don't give a care if we say our true feelings.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Yes, Sue I get what you are saying. I think maybe I just finally grew a backbone. Maybe that's why my back is sore. There is something new there and my body is rejecting it.

Send, I've had the same thing happen to me. Finally, I just stopped holding the door and let it hit the person. Plus have you ever been walking towards a group of people and they just keep walking. I was always the one who turned to the side to let them pass. Not anymore.

By the way, I'm not advocating bad behavior. Just saying that my sticking up for myself that I have never had is finally making an appearance. About time, I'd say.
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Reply to Gershun
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I might not have the strength or the wits to be a *itch when I'm old, I might as well start now.

But seriously, turning the other cheek just gets you a bloody nose, when somebody does me wrong I might not call them out on it but I'm not going to easily forgive and forget either.
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Reply to cwillie
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Yes, a group of 5 are approaching me...I used to step aside. I am too old for that now.
I just stop abruptly, and they actually walk right into me! Talk about being invisible!
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Reply to Sendhelp
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CantDance, I'm not sure I like the new me either. I don't think my family likes the new me. But I can't go back to being a doormat. There must be a happy medium. Sticking up for oneself in a kind way maybe? I don't know.

But then if I am feeling like I need to stick up for myself then there must be a reason. I don't pick fights. If my self-preservation mechanism is finally working then maybe there is a reason for it too.
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Reply to Gershun
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Gershun,
Yes, I am different. Not necessarily in a bad way.

All the years we spent advocating for our loved ones, now they are gone.

Should it not be natural that we, now are instinctively advocating for ourselves? Self preservation like someone mentioned above?

I agree, there are days I could lower my shield and sword a bit.

I do not appreciate bad behavior either. Is letting go of a door midstream of rude young adults bad behavior? Or letting a Neighbor know they need to point the leaf blower a different direction bad behavior? I think not! We are advocating for ourselves!

Now, operating on “High Boil” 24/7 is a different thing. I do have those days occasionally. Yesterday was one of them. I woke up in that mood.
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