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Back in 2016 he wrecked his semi. Hasn't been the same since. He's had 6 heart attacks in past 2 years. Before that he had 3 when he wrecked his truck. He's a Marine but got a "other than honorable" discharge so not getting help from VA. He has prostate probs kidney probs on oxygen 24/7. Does nothing but lay in hospital bed. Does not even get up to go to bathroom. Goes in urinal from hospital which I empty. I have health issues of my own and he doesn't seem to care that it's killing me caring for him. The stress is unbelievable!! I have tried to take good care of him because I cannot get any help. We are not married and he refuses to let anyone come in and care for him. I used to work but dr won't let me work anymore. I've been in hospital twice since November last year. He just isn't trying. I don't know if he's waiting to die or what. I told my friend I'm afraid of being charged with elder abuse cuz he won't let me change bedding or anything. He hasn't showered in over 2 years. But in my heart I can't leave him alone. I am all he has. And he used to be a good guy!

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Call APS, Adult Protection Services, and tell them you can't care for him anymore with your health problems. You too can get help too.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It was your choice to move in with him. It was your choice not to get married. It can be your choice to leave, because you have no obligation to stay with him until your caregiving duties kill you. Seriously. They could.

I'm assuming you've had conversations with him about how difficult this is for you. If you haven't, start talking to him about it. If he knows how worn down you are, and if he knows about your health issues, he is being selfish and inconsiderate. No matter how good he was, he isn't now.

"He won't let me..." and "he refuses to let anyone come in..." and "he won't let me change bedding..." He is abusive. This IS abuse. And you must find the strength to get away from it. You're brainwashed into thinking you can get no help, but you could. "I'm all he has..." because he is controlling, keeps you feeling subservient, and he wants you to continue being his care slave. "He won't let me he won't let me he won't let me" is what you've said. Why does he have that power over you? Why did you give it to him?

You need APS. And you need to move out. If you weren't there, he'd have to get others to take care of him. You're enabling this. I'm so sad and sorry for you because you've been led into something that never should have happened. Be strong and find a better life for yourself. You can do it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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He's probably still a good guy who's now riddled with dementia. You're not helping your friend by knowing he's not bathed in 2 years and not doing anything about it. Same with not changing the sheets and living in squalid conditions. Once you leave and call APS to check on him, THEN he will get the services he needs. And you can focus on your own health and wellbeing instead of dealing with stress all day. This caregiving situation is not working out for either of you, so it's time to call it quits. You can always call him to see how he's doing.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Has he been treated for the depression that follows heart attacks? If not, you need to get his cardiologist on the phone and get him some antidepressants, like today.

You don't state his age but, the area on aging, aka County counsel on aging can direct you to services that are available in your community, for him and you.

You need to put your foot down about him wanting something that could literally kill you. He doesn't get to decide you're it. What's he gonna do? Get out of the hospital bed and leave? If he gets abusive about you getting help so you don't become a statistic (40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for! That's a HUGE number.) then you call 911 and report that you are afraid he will hurt you or himself and he is acting like he has had a stroke or something, then you tell the social worker at the hospital that you can NO LONGER SAFELY CARE for him. They can help you find resources for facility placement for him.

You have all the power here, use it and let him know he has 2 choices, in home help or a facility, that's it, no other choice. You can do it!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Your "friend" is not lazy but is sick. Not only physically but mentally as well(as in possible dementia).
And you my dear are WAY over your head with his care and if you're not careful it will be you that will die before he does.
It's time to call APS and report your friend and let them know that you'll be leaving and that he has no one to care for him. They will come out and take over his care and will get him placed in the appropriate facility.
This MUST be done soon. As in tomorrow.
If you TRULY care about this man, then you would want to do everything in your power to help him right? And right now you are actually hurting him and not helping him by letting him live in his own filth. Plus it's literally "killing" you, so I'm not sure what else needs to be said, as you matter too in this equation.
So PLEASE call APS first thing in the morning.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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It is cruel to allow a person to live in filthy sheets and be unbathed in years. You may have good intentions caving to his unreasonable desires but it’s still cruel. He cannot be cared for in the current environment and trying to persuade him otherwise will never work. Do your friend the huge favor, realize this isn’t laziness, call Adult Protective Services, walk away, and start caring for your own health
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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ElizabethAR37 Jun 10, 2025
Absolutely! I can't even imagine (nor do I want to!) the lack of sanitation and cleanliness that both OP and friend are living in. That is far and away reason enough to act, and I truly hope that OP will do so. Workable suggestions are offered here.
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APS is his solution, not you.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You are not helping your friend by enabling this.
You must call APS. You aren't qualified to care for someone who requires this level of diagnostic workup and care.

Please call APS and report him as a senior emergently at risk who you can no longer care for.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Your doctor will not "let" you work? Please, spare us this nonsense. If you're caregiving 24/7 for what you describe as a bedbound invalid, that's work. In fact, that is very hard and laborious work. I know because I did homecare for 25 years. If you can do this kind of work you're fit to work. So either get a job, or apply for disability benefits. If your doctor says you're unfit for work, then you will qualify.

Look, your boyfriend or whatever is not the one calling the shots here. He doesn't get to force you to be his only caregiver because he won't allow anyone else. That is complete and utter nonsense.

You are not able to take care of this man and that's okay. You don't have to. Call 911 and tell them he's flipping out, laying in his own mess, and will not allow anyone to help him. They will take him to the hospital. You follow. When you're at the hospital, ask to speak to a social worker and tell them what you're telling us here. They will call APS and get the ball rolling to get him placed.

I'm assuming you live in his house and he supports you financially. This stops if he goes into a LTC facility. Unless your name is on the deed or lease where the two of you live, you will also likely have to find a different place to live as well. So, you've got work to do and should get on it. He'll be better off in LTC.

You may find yourself in a bit of hot water with APS, and well you should. You live in his house and he's a disabled invalid. You've called no one. Not APS, the paramedics, police no one to try and get some help. You leave him laying on filthy sheets in his own mess for years now. Don't you think your total lack of action is a form of abuse in of itself? It is and you may have to answer for some of that.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Do you have a temporary place you can stay at?
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Reply to jwellsy
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