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She qualifies for VA Homes as she's a 22 yr. veteran. Her husband is also a veteran and a stroke survivor himself. What can I do to help my friend?

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If he wont place in a VA home I know there are VA services for visits he can get in home. Maybe see if he would be willing to go that route first. If with this help he still is unable to provide adequate care id think the VA nurse would report it.
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Reply to ChrissyB
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I was hesitating, but having read some of the OP's replies to questions I'm not now. Straight to APS.

If the lady's failure to thrive comes from clinical causes rather than her husband's lack of ability, nobody will blame him AND they will also be able to check him out at the same time, which is just as important.

How many caregivers die before the people they care for, remind me? And this man is a veteran and a stroke survivor?

I'd say they both need support, and if he won't ask then he'll have to be told.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Is there anyone who might have more influence on her husband, a male friend or old army connection? Has your friend been able to get any medical check ups at all so you could possibly state your concerns to her medical team? I hate to advise the nuclear option of contacting APS but if he can't be reasoned with then it may be the only option.
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Pattisfriend Dec 12, 2018
Thanks for your thoughts. Since I'm not family, I can't get in touch with her medical team which is at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. To my knowledge she has no case-worker assigned to checks on her. She is doing some physical and speech rehab locally, but unknown if their noting her physical condition at all. My friends husband is difficult to get info out of.

So, I'm going to try the minister next as he also has a working relationship with the husband who is the head elder of the church.

Thanks for your feedback.
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If she has children ask one of them to call APS and ask for a well check stating they feel their father is unable to care for her. If no kids, you can do it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Pattisfriend Dec 12, 2018
I'm calling the only child who resides in VA in January to ask her to visit her father and (my friend who is the step-mother) in AZ. She has not visited at all to see what has happened to her step-mother. The stroke occurred in April. She has no idea the state her step-mother is in.

Thanks JoAnn 29.
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Just because she has benefits to pay for a care home doesn't mean she needs one or wants to live in one. She may be wasting away due to her health issues rather than from lack of care. Visit. Send her husband off to do some guy things (or just to get supplies) and spend a few hours or the day with her. Do girl stuff together, a mani/pedi or spa day. Talk to her as a friend, ask her how things are for her and what she needs to make her life better.
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Reply to cwillie
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Pattisfriend Dec 12, 2018
Thanks for your response cwillie.
Patti is unable to speak, or move without assistance. I have sat with her many times as her husband grocery shops, etc. She is dropping weight fast and his choice of foods is not nutritious. He does not take care of her basic hygiene. I will speak with our minister to see if he can speak with the husband to rule out any chance that the husband is doing this as a penance for his military service.
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