Follow
Share

Was added to the mix. I do not get paid to take care of any of them and with the amount of appointments and running around I do, I can’t secure a job for myself. My SIL just passed a month ago, and I’ve yet to be able to grieve her, as the “friend” I wound up taking in because no one else wanted her has proven to be so complicated and my family is tired of me basically being her maid, and having to constantly clean up after her (yes, in the messy ways also). Her family doesn’t want her, her husband is going to divorce her, I don’t know what to do. So I now have a family of 5 living off 1 income. I’m about to lose my mind. What would you do?

Find Care & Housing
OP has not been back since original post. Only posted the one time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

What is the 1 income? And who are the 5 living in the household?

You have to learn to say "No". No to the friend whose family doesn't want her, whose husband doesn't want her, and you are her unpaid slave. You should NOT have taken this woman in to your home! Your family is right to be resentful!

Now that you have allowed her in, and allowed her the expectation that you would take care of everything for her, it will be more difficult to get her out. But, you must find somewhere else for her to go! If she is not able to live independently, then find a skilled nursing facility and help her apply for medicaid if she lacks the funds to pay for it. You can still be a friend, but she requires more professional help than you can provide. She may just be a "needy" person, selfishly always finding someone else to take advantage of. And you seemed an easy target. Tell her that this is beyond your abilities, and you will help find a suitable care home for her. She will try to appeal to your kind nature, and beg for you to continue to be a slave to her. After all, you did take her in and willingly become her maid. You must be firm! Practice the conversation in your head until you feel confident you can rebuff her emotional pleas!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

My heart goes out to you, but trust and believe, you can undo this. Let everyone know that you must seek employment for yourself. Start looking for a job. Get your resume together.

For the sister inlaw and father inlaw, where is your husband in all of this?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Scampie1
Report

What would I do?
I would let all of them know the date I am leaving.
I would get my own housing and my own job and get on with my life.

Polar Bear, you are the one who walked into this. Without pay.
You are the one who will have to walk out.
Give them the number for Adult Protective Services and on you go.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

You call Adult Protection Services and tell them you can no longer care for this friend. That you only wanted to be her advocate because she was in the hospital dying. You having her in your home was not to be a permanent solution. POA does not mean you care for them. It means exactly what you should be doing, getting her help she needs. Let the State take over her care and get the POA revoked. If you had not stepped in, the hospital would have called APS.

I have a Mantra and it came to me out of the blue one day.

"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"

Your FIL, thats between you and your husband.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Please realize you don’t “have to” do any of this. You chose to participate. It was out of kindness and wanting to help, but you still chose it. You can equally choose not to do it. It’s causing issues for your family. Tell the friend’s family you’ll no longer be helping. They are taking advantage of your kindness. If you don’t stand up for yourself and your family, no one will do it for you
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Care. Work. Wages.

I would start by looking at your own values surrounding *care*. Do you feel ALL care jobs should be provided for free? Or just the care you provide?

Many people provide unpaid care work - for family, friends, for children, elders. In formal volunteer arrangements, informal family arrangements, or just as part of the natural way of life eg as a parent.

Many people provide care work & are paid for their work. Health workers from doctors, nurses, aides, paramedics. Other community care jobs caring for the wider community, fire fighters, police, social workers.

Do you want to stay as an unpaid care worker? Does this fit your values? Or would you consider persuring a paid job in a care role?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Beatty
Report

This unfortunate lady you took in needs to be under the care of the state. Use your POA to get her connected to state resources for the indigent. Help her apply for Medicaid and then resign the POA and let the state take over. You can’t save everyone and this makes no sense. Once you just have your FIL to deal with it should be easier.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to ShirleyDot
Report

For friend: is there low-income senior housing in your area? Could you contact a social worker through the hospital she was at, or through your local Area Agency on Aging (part of local health and human services) to see about connecting her with housing and other resources?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to SnoopyLove
Report

"I hate making taking of family and those I love about money."

Polarbear, you would not be making it about money. It already is about money. Why? Because without money, they won't get the best care, the best equipment, the best food, all of which these beloved people need. This is not to diminish your caregiving, but you are frazzled to the bone, don't know what to do, and if you had money that they contributed, you'd have hired aides to help. And a job so you'd be earning money for yourself.

The drama that has captured you is not your drama, it is theirs. What I would do is understand the importance of money, demand that these people pay you, and extricate yourself ASAP. It's admirable that you like to help. I do too. That's why I'm here chiming in. But you can't give your best care with this high level of anxiety, no money coming in from these leeches, and no end in sight.

Wishing you the best. Please save yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Who's going to take care of YOU when you're sick, burned to a crisp and poor as a churchmouse from doing all this caregiving from the goodness of your heart? Let common sense prevail now and quit this unpaid caregiving job so you can get your OWN affairs back in good order! They all belong in Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid footing the bill. As far as your FIL is concerned, tell his son to step up now and apply for Medicaid! Your family may be tired of you doing all this caregiving, yet dh is not stopping you huh?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Bulldog,
Nope, her husband has made it very clear to me that she will not get one cent from him. He never put her name on the house, or any vehicles, so she does not even own a car. And no joint accounts
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Polarbear1965
Report
Bulldog54321 Jul 2, 2025
None of that matters. She can still get a divorce settlement but that isn’t up to you to facilitate.

If I had a dime for every divorcing man who thinks he doesn’t have to pay the wife a settlement or child support, I’d be a wealthy woman.

It’s for a judge to decide, not him.
(2)
Report
Funky grandma, in the beginning yes, because of them being family, and then they just expected it. I didn’t mind, as I was happy to help. If. My financial situation hadn’t changed so much I guess it wouldn’t be bothering me, and I hate making taking of family and those I love about money. So yes, I was getting something, the feeling of being able to help others without any expectations. There have been many time over the years that I am burned out and don’t take care of my own physical limitations, but I keep,pressing on for others, not for accolades………or praise, but because that’s who I am. I love helping others. So I guess I’m to blame for not saying no.
As far as the friend go, it was a unique situation where she was in the hospital about to die, and she asked the doctors to make me her POA. Her family didn’t want to, and her soon to be ex husband hasn’t talked to her in 2 years, so at that time I was just trying to help save someone’s life by being their advocate when they couldn’t. I know there is only one Savior, and I do not look upon myself as being anywhere close to him and his amazing love for us.
Giving my “stray” a time frame is hard with no income for her, she won’t have insurance, and she is still no medically sound.

Bulldog,
Thank you for your advise also. I am trying to find programs that can assist her on the move out situation. Where we live there are not a lot of resources, and I have been applying to all of them that I can. Thank you again for your response.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Polarbear1965
Report
Bulldog54321 Jul 1, 2025
Will your friend not get a divorce settlement?
(0)
Report
Why do you think that you have to be the one to save/take care of all these people just because they are family/friends? You obviously are getting something out of it(though not financially)to continue taking on more. Have you thought about what that may be?
You say that you're about to lose your mind, but I'm actually shocked that you haven't lost it already. Well wait....perhaps you have already lost it since you opted to take in a friend just because "no one else wanted her" instead of letting her figure things out on her own like most adults do.
There is only one Savior and it's not you, so time to take your life back and start making yourself and your immediate family your priority, and quit taking in strays.
And give your latest "stray" a time limit to get out and get on her own(as in sooner than later), as she'll be just fine without you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

You need to get control of your life. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. As you are finding out.

No wonder you are burned out! You give the friend a move out date asap because you do NOT want her establishing residency at your house. Then you will have to evict her.

This is where to start.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter