Was added to the mix. I do not get paid to take care of any of them and with the amount of appointments and running around I do, I can’t secure a job for myself. My SIL just passed a month ago, and I’ve yet to be able to grieve her, as the “friend” I wound up taking in because no one else wanted her has proven to be so complicated and my family is tired of me basically being her maid, and having to constantly clean up after her (yes, in the messy ways also). Her family doesn’t want her, her husband is going to divorce her, I don’t know what to do. So I now have a family of 5 living off 1 income. I’m about to lose my mind. What would you do?
You have to learn to say "No". No to the friend whose family doesn't want her, whose husband doesn't want her, and you are her unpaid slave. You should NOT have taken this woman in to your home! Your family is right to be resentful!
Now that you have allowed her in, and allowed her the expectation that you would take care of everything for her, it will be more difficult to get her out. But, you must find somewhere else for her to go! If she is not able to live independently, then find a skilled nursing facility and help her apply for medicaid if she lacks the funds to pay for it. You can still be a friend, but she requires more professional help than you can provide. She may just be a "needy" person, selfishly always finding someone else to take advantage of. And you seemed an easy target. Tell her that this is beyond your abilities, and you will help find a suitable care home for her. She will try to appeal to your kind nature, and beg for you to continue to be a slave to her. After all, you did take her in and willingly become her maid. You must be firm! Practice the conversation in your head until you feel confident you can rebuff her emotional pleas!
For the sister inlaw and father inlaw, where is your husband in all of this?
I would let all of them know the date I am leaving.
I would get my own housing and my own job and get on with my life.
Polar Bear, you are the one who walked into this. Without pay.
You are the one who will have to walk out.
Give them the number for Adult Protective Services and on you go.
I have a Mantra and it came to me out of the blue one day.
"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
Your FIL, thats between you and your husband.
I would start by looking at your own values surrounding *care*. Do you feel ALL care jobs should be provided for free? Or just the care you provide?
Many people provide unpaid care work - for family, friends, for children, elders. In formal volunteer arrangements, informal family arrangements, or just as part of the natural way of life eg as a parent.
Many people provide care work & are paid for their work. Health workers from doctors, nurses, aides, paramedics. Other community care jobs caring for the wider community, fire fighters, police, social workers.
Do you want to stay as an unpaid care worker? Does this fit your values? Or would you consider persuring a paid job in a care role?
Polarbear, you would not be making it about money. It already is about money. Why? Because without money, they won't get the best care, the best equipment, the best food, all of which these beloved people need. This is not to diminish your caregiving, but you are frazzled to the bone, don't know what to do, and if you had money that they contributed, you'd have hired aides to help. And a job so you'd be earning money for yourself.
The drama that has captured you is not your drama, it is theirs. What I would do is understand the importance of money, demand that these people pay you, and extricate yourself ASAP. It's admirable that you like to help. I do too. That's why I'm here chiming in. But you can't give your best care with this high level of anxiety, no money coming in from these leeches, and no end in sight.
Wishing you the best. Please save yourself.
Nope, her husband has made it very clear to me that she will not get one cent from him. He never put her name on the house, or any vehicles, so she does not even own a car. And no joint accounts
If I had a dime for every divorcing man who thinks he doesn’t have to pay the wife a settlement or child support, I’d be a wealthy woman.
It’s for a judge to decide, not him.
As far as the friend go, it was a unique situation where she was in the hospital about to die, and she asked the doctors to make me her POA. Her family didn’t want to, and her soon to be ex husband hasn’t talked to her in 2 years, so at that time I was just trying to help save someone’s life by being their advocate when they couldn’t. I know there is only one Savior, and I do not look upon myself as being anywhere close to him and his amazing love for us.
Giving my “stray” a time frame is hard with no income for her, she won’t have insurance, and she is still no medically sound.
Bulldog,
Thank you for your advise also. I am trying to find programs that can assist her on the move out situation. Where we live there are not a lot of resources, and I have been applying to all of them that I can. Thank you again for your response.
You say that you're about to lose your mind, but I'm actually shocked that you haven't lost it already. Well wait....perhaps you have already lost it since you opted to take in a friend just because "no one else wanted her" instead of letting her figure things out on her own like most adults do.
There is only one Savior and it's not you, so time to take your life back and start making yourself and your immediate family your priority, and quit taking in strays.
And give your latest "stray" a time limit to get out and get on her own(as in sooner than later), as she'll be just fine without you.
No wonder you are burned out! You give the friend a move out date asap because you do NOT want her establishing residency at your house. Then you will have to evict her.
This is where to start.