I'm caregiver to a dementia patient and I'm burned out. I hate to feel this way. What should I do?

Carolyn, I'm sorry that you haven't received any replies yet. Must have slipped through the cracks.

Caregiving for a loved one is probably the most difficult thing any of us will undertake. It's isolating and menial and physically demanding. Probably your sister's MIL is not accepting of her condition because her physical health is good. If you live in her house, just let her do what she can do to the best of her abilities. I mean not only for herself, but for the house as well. Maybe she needs a lot of supervision in the kitchen, but do it in a friendly way, as co-chefs to start with, and maybe she can load and unload the dishwasher. At this point, you can just be a companion, maybe.

Perhaps you can find a part-time job or shift work that would have some flexibility. Do you have anyone to help with the yardwork and home maintenance? Summer is coming - the grass will begin growing again. Maybe you could plan to have a garden and MIL could work in it. That would be good for her and you could eat the vegetables!

How long have you lived with her? Eventually, her body may begin to give way to old age ailments. Arthritis, for one. Perhaps Osteoporosis. This could be a job that goes on for many years to come and if you're already burned out, well, you need a plan for the future. How long do you plan to live with her? Is there money to hire aides as they are needed?

She sounds like she'd be a good candidate for assisted living, if that is possible. And you could go on with your life and find a job that will support you and some savings for YOUR future.

Good luck.

Hon, it sounds like you are a bit like me. I am not cut our for care giving, I love my mom, but she drives me batty. You do need to get a job, you could still be with her at night and "do your part" don't let guilt that you can't do 24/7 get you down, no one could !!!! Make a life of your own and tell her family that you can't do it 24/7. If they need that, then they need to get her in a NH, one person can't deal with that kind of burden.

That is very nice to take care of her, but it does sound like she could go to assisted living. Where are her own children? Who has durable and medical POA? Does she have any money to pay for assisted living?

Hello thanks for all the comments very helpful Thank you Carolyn

Are u getting paid for this? You need to talk to your sister and BIL. You should be doing this 24/7. No paid caregiver works around the clock. Since this woman is not related, I think u r being taken advantage of. If u get a job, you shouldn't have this responsibility. Your BIL should be allowing you some me time. You really need to tell them how you feel. They just might not realize.

That was supposeto be "not" doing this 24/7.

Your sister's mother in law would be her husband's mom. He is the one who should be in charge of her care for she's his mom and relative, not yours. I think you are getting used and you are loosing out on your own income and building up funds for your own retirement. Call her son today and tell him he has 30 days to deal with this for you are out of there.

Hello Joann Thanks for your comment very helpful

Thank you everyone for the comments very helpful

Just thought, is ur agreement you get a place to live by taking care of MIL? Even if thisis the situation, you should have breaks. They can take care of her on weekends and after work.

god bless everyone who is taking care of a aging mother or relative. I'm taking care of my mother with no help from family members but I do get 3 hours a day help from a nurses aide...thank god for her...but I want to date and maybe get married one day...should I just forget about trying to date and just give all my time to my mother....I'm 64 and my health is not that great. I don't want to continue to grow old alone....what should I do?

Hello Joann I should of explained my situation better Yeah I did need a place to live and they need to take care of her mother law When i move in i hoping to find a job doing the day And be here at night It really not a 24 7 that i take care of her It just that i feel like im here I do get break and take trips now and then But now since the dementia is declining she need me here more I appreicate you reply and comments I'm glad for this forum very help Thank you Carolyn

blckvel: If you want to get your personal life back on track, please consider placing your mom in assisted living or nursing home or at least get in-home help for more than 3 hours a day. Getting to know a possible future spouse takes more than a few hours a day.

Sounds like an impossible situation--not a single person on the planet is capable of doing anything 24/7/365. If I were in your shoes, I would give 2 weeks notice, and be gone. If no family member shows up to take care of the lady, call 911 and tell them you are leaving and a vulnerable adult is alone at this address. Unless there is some other Work Contract which requires you to give more notice, you are under no obligation to provide services as you have been doing.

Is my private answer being posted on a public forum? -1 Thess. 4:11.

True,

Your answer on a thread is posted on a public forum.

If you want to make a private post, then you have to go to a person's page by clicking on their name, check the box private and type your message in the box.

I'm going to post this as a private message on your wall also so that your will have an example.

I was wondering how old this lady is? Maybe a schedule could be created with the different family members addressing her needs so that you could you could find a job during your "time off".

Assisted Living is NOT the answer for many as it is costly, not covered by Medicare or Medicaid ( except a few Group Adult Foster Care slots may be available @ AL in Massachusetts) Once you run out of funds or your care becomes too complex you will have to relocate. Try to get eval from a State HomeCare Agency ( every state should have some form of this assistance) You at least need respite from this 24/7 job. There is also Adult Day Health to look into
Depends on her condition and mental capacity what would work best. Research your options!

Get help with your care giving obligations - such as in home care, if appropriate. Do you have a caregiver agreement that clearly states the obligations of the parties (the one receiving and giving the care)? If not, see an elder law attorney about having one drafted that complies with Medicaid regulations.