I have written here before, some years ago. It's been 9 years since the passing of my beloved mother. For every time I fall into this black hole of blaming myself for my mother's death, it tends to get deeper and deeper, and I honestly don't know how to continue living.
My mom was dying and one night had rapid, hard and loud respirations (no mucus) without any pauses. This went on for 9 hours before she passed.
It was my fault that she passed that night.
I rang the nurse who came and gave her a shot of morphine and sedatives (called Stesolide in my country). Maybe it eased it a little bit, but the rate was just as high, around 50 breaths per minute. In panic I rang again after 30 minutes, and said that I didn't think it helped. I thought that the shot would have a significant effect, so Mom's breathing would ease, little did I understand at the time. It was the experience for HER that it helped, the morphine couldn't CHANGE her breathing. It was I, a scared daughter who panicked. I so wish the nurse would have spoken to me, telling me this, calming me down and also telling me what another shot of morphine that close to the first one would do.
My mother died 2 hours after the second shot.
So, I basically killed the one person I loved the most on this earth. :(
My mother was totally awake and alert that night and would have lived some days more. But I destroyed her remaining time and I made a farewell impossible.
My brother had gone home during the day, and I WENT TO BED AN HOUR BEFORE SHE PASSED! I didn't understand what was going on. I thought that she would be able to rest after the morphine and we would meet in the morning (a lady from the nursinghome staff went to sit with her).
I hastened my mother's death and I went to bed, and I feel this guilt has destroyed my remaining life. I feel so alone with this, I have tried to look for other people that have experienced something similar, but I haven't found anyone.
My mother was dying from pneumonia, she had been sick for 15 years from multiple strokes, we had been there for some days before this happened, but the nurse had said it would take time. It breaks my heart that she had to pass this way. :(
I don't know if I have a specific question, besides how do you carry on living with a guilt like this?
If someone have experienced the same kind of regular very fast breathing without any pauses, that would also help to hear. It was so hard to witness.
Most of the medications given for this purpose ; I have taken at some point over the course of my life for various ailments or moments in time….. to make me more comfortable…. And in much higher doses than that of a hospice nurse!
I KNOW these medications personally and I know their value when I needed them. I also know that guilt; in my family, my husband’s family, and watching others….
My resolve has had to be- I know the suffering that can happen without it and it’s just not worth that risk; to the patient NOR the families!
Second guessing and doubting is hard not to sink down into—but we do them no honor now… for doing all we knew to do then… to ease their suffering and their flight…. We did our best with what we knew!
Knowing what I know and seeing what I’ve seen- I can’t believe that the low doses I’ve seen given could ever take that which is not coming to an end.
Please troubled heart; don’t keep tormenting yourself! What if SHE had had to make that decision for YOU?!?!
Give yourself the peace that she would want you to have! Give yourself the peace that you would want her to have, had it been reversed! Hugs and more hugs
I hope you find your peace!!!
That's not true. I had a morphine drip that I could get a dose every 11 minutes.
Reading your previous posts, you are looking for a reason to be responsible. You need to find a great counselor and deal with that angle. Your parents were dying, they knew they were dying and they were ready to go. Do you begrudge them that peace? Because trying to find a way to live in the past and be responsible for nature, does them no honor.
One of my friends was a hospice nurse. She used to praise families who had the courage to make decisions that ended suffering sooner, and has many medical directives in place for herself and her own family. She's seen suffering first-hand for decades. I know if she was reading this, she would tell you made a wise and loving decision, using the best knowledge available at the time. Your mother loved you, and would not want you to spend years torturing yourself like this. Perhaps you can honor her by forgiving yourself, and spending the years you have left doing things you and your mother once enjoyed? Bake a cake in her memory, walk on the beach in her memory? Whatever you once loved together, do it now. Do it with your kids, if you have any. Isn't that what she would want?
You sound like a great daughter who did her best. Now maybe go live your own best life, with the help of a therapist, if needed?
You are not God and you are not responsible for her death. Please learn to meditate and please have a discussion with a grieving specialist. Do you know the 5 Stages of Grieving? https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
To then see another poster like cinderblock get so upset at the true words from DrBenshir tells me that NONE of us can possibly get through to you who are suffering from such self-imposed guilt. You honestly believe you 'killed' your parent and nothing we tell you will change that. PLEASE seek out professional help before YOUR lives are further destroyed due to something that happens to ALL of us: death. In reality, we have no say in when a parent passes; and whether we hire hospice or administer pain meds to them in an effort to ease their pain, they WILL pass away on God's timetable, no matter what. If those pain meds cause them to pass a day or two sooner, so be it. In the grand scheme of things, I'd rather be on earth a day or two LESS and not in mortal pain, wouldn't you?
We can't always get past irrational emotions on our own; sometimes we need professional help to do so. Now is that time, OP, after 9 years of self torture. It's time you allow yourself to put that memory of your mom's breathing out of your mind so you can move on with YOUR life.
Wishing you the best of luck doing so.
Some research has shown that if the grief stricken person was very dependent for practical and emotional needs, or their world revolved around the person who has passed they will be more likely to suffer from one of these disorders.
These people do not find a pathway that leads to restoration of a satisfying life, they are entangled in grief.
One thing this does is keep the attention on them, so it appears that it is a layered mental health disorder.
There is help out there, I hope that these posters reach out and get the help they need.
I wish them the best.
He was in the hospital with end stage CLL. Slowly drowning in the fluid that was building up his in lungs. He could not cough it up and he was trying, but no strength and no energy to do so.
We get a call that he is actively dying--and we hustle to the hospital. The oncologist met with us (Dh and me, SIL and BIL) and he explained that dad could NOT recover from this, as he had almost no red blood cells and he was actively dying and miserable. Dr asked if he could give dad a shot to 'ease his discomfort'--Dh and SIL just looked like deer in the headlights. I stepped in and said "that would be wonderful"--you guys OK with that?" which was all the dr needed. He stepped up to the head of the bed and the IV hanging there and proceeded to empty a HUGE bolus of morphine. He kept his back to us, but I knew he was essentially ODing dad on morphine. And GOD BLESS HIM for that.
FIL died less than 15 minutes afterwards.
It took YEARS for my Dh to not blame me for 'pushing' the morphine. IDK what he thought was going to be the outcome.
8 months later I was doing the same thing for my sweet dad.
KarenBe--you are wasting YOUR life second guessing your decision. I hope you find a good therapist to help you through this.
Please go search for one asap, like tomorrow.
Call up a local grief support group, call your doctor, hospital social workers, hospice providers, and ask for recommendations for a good therapist. Do it now.
Have you considered that your mother was ready to die? That she knew she would not recover and wanted you to be spared watching her pass? She obviously knew you would not be able to deal with this and tried to make it easier for you. She is not in pain or distress, she had a long life, and you are wasting yours.
Guilt has no place in life. If you did something wrong, which you did not, you need to make amends. The only way to do that for someone who has died is to live your life for both of you: do the things your mom would have done; experience the things and the joy she is no longer here to share; live each day as she would have wanted. Be loved and loving, appreciate your family and friends, enjoy the good and the beauty in the world.
Those few days you wish for would have been very unlikely to have led to a romantic farewell; instead, as an RN I have seen them come to begging for an end, begging for help. If you want to speak of guilt for allowing that to come, I would understand your reasoning, but for peace and a gentle final exit, and after this number of years, I am afraid you may need help beyond what a forum may be able to give you.
I truly would suggest counseling and therapy, and I am not someone who says this without having HAD the same three times in my life when my own ability and understanding was insufficient to handle a life crisis. While mourning is individual to us all, for you to take on this responsibility of guilt, has a whole pattern that needs to be combed out with help of a professional. Guilt beongs to felons, and they never feel it. What you are experiencing is grief, and it is now, at almost a decade, too long to carry this.
People have many subconscious reasons for remaining in a state of guilt. Guilt implies that thee was an answer, one you chose not to hear. That there was a cure you refused. That something could have been different and you chose not to see it. Guilt implies you could have fixed all this. Am that is a kind of hubris. It suggests you are godlike, or at least a good fairy with a strong wand. Grief, instead, understands that loss comes to us all, and is the price of our giving and receiving love, which enriches our lives.
I am sorry for your loss, but it sadly does not honor to your Mom. Would she not have wanted you to ease her death and celebrate the wonder of her life?
I encourage you to seek help from a good therapist. I have found that often for life transitions work a private practice certified Licensed Social Worker is best. I wish you so much luck and my heart goes out to you.
I believed that it was her time and God called her. She had many ailments, and if you could talk to her, she would tell you she is free from pain and suffering. Now you should be too. Stop beating up yourself and be kind to yourself. Get to a grief counselor or bereavement group, and work through this.
on Mother’s Day I arrived to find my mom moaning in pain, comatose basically . I called the Hospice on call nurse. Who was with another family and would be awhile. She stated if it had been a half hour since her last dose, have them give another dose. My mom needed it. Your mom needed it. When the nurse arrived she had to give my mother another dose… I am relieved that my moms pain was relieved.
I too, have the I should’ve not left. I should have stayed, they tell you a length of time. I wish I had more knowledge. I was on my way back when I had received the call from Hospice.
For your sake , change the narrative. You helped give your mom the gift of dying pain free.
The thing is I don´t think my mother had pain, neither was she struggling to get air. She had very fast breathing and I was afraid that would make her heart stop. But the morphine made her heart stop. I was not prepared for this.
The thing is I noticed that my mom did not want that second shot (she was totally awake), but I was so dedicated in helping her breathing that I didn´t take it as seriously as I should have.
That is extremely well put. Thank you.
To say with 100% accuracy that the last shot of morphine was the reason she went a little quicker, is something you are devising in your own brain and are continuing to promote to yourself, the question is why?
I would strongly urge you to go to therapy, get some help, this self-imposed guilt is something that you have been manifesting way to long. It appears that this thought process has all consumed you.
Keep in mind, we are all destined to die, you or no one else here on God's Green Earth is powerful enough to stop the process.
I for one would prefer dying quicker, suffering in pain is not my thing.
IMO you were wanting her to live longer for you, not her, maybe she was ready and that is what happened she made the decision to move onto a better place, this you will never know!
I see 3 points in your story that are a focus. The nurse had said it would take time; you called and they gave shot; and you didn't get to say goodbye.
Firstly, the nurse tried to prepare you but she doesn't know. Every time they give us a prediction, it's wrong. I think mom's breathing change is an indication of a change in status. She probably had only hours to go. In hindsight, you really needed that nurse to update you that night, giving you a better indication. She wasn't perfect.
The shot sedated her yes. But the nurse knew what she was doing. She wanted to relieve your pain as much as mom's. In reality mom may have been hanging on cuz you were there. She was looking at an agonizing wasting. Instead she was asleep.
It seems you wanted an idyllic death while you were there. But most often they wait til you leave the room briefly to die. They stick around because you are there. Your mom already know how much you love her. She knew you were there for her. It was easier for her to go like she did. How do you know? Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be.
I hope I didn't cause you more guilt or sound too simplistic or trite. Every step of this is traumatic and you question everything. But your mom had a good death too. Just not the one you wanted.
FOR you.
You are reading things about death that may not be correct. Fast breathing is distress.
I have been in the black hole of guilt- depression, replaying my father’s death over and over. … please keep reading my note to you even after I say this next part.
you must get counseling and possibly ( even fir the short term) medication. You must do this b/c you know that your beloved mother would not want her daughter to suffer. Am I right? Re-read that last sentence. She would not want you in this anguish.
i think what would also be extremely helpful to you, which I did , is to talk to Dr about the process of death and how morphine affects the body. Your mom was in DISTRESS. You and the PROFESSIONALS did the correct thing. If the microphone would have hastened her death, the staff would have said “no”. What the Morophine did was to slow her heart rate so her panic at not being able to get enough air ( I’m sorry if this is bringing back memories) was lessened. It calmed her panic.
there are people who believe there might be a miracle~ even though they are watching the death process. I can respect that. Miracles happen, but, dear friend, they are rare. As much as you want to think you were controlling the situation ( her death), you were not. Call it God, call it biology. You , the nurse, dr, etc we’re not in control then. You ARE in control now. Seize this control.
One more thing. Often loved ones pass away when the people they hold dearest to them are not watching. Again, call it God, natural instinct…. I don’t know why, but perhaps it was a last kindness to you. You must be gentle with yourself.
I beg you to seek counseling bc the days you wished for your mom are being given to YOU. Life is exquisite… please live it.
With Love.
I know that morphine is often used for the dying, what is bothering me is that my mother was given another dose of morphine so soon after the first one, and this caused her to stop breathing.
The nurse said nothing of the risk of doing this before giving the shot.
My mom would have lived more days if this had not happened, she was totally awake.
I have taken help from different therapists over the years, it keeps coming back and I see it as a film playing in my head as if it happened yesterday.
There are so many things that you do not know for sure. Trying to use facts and numbers to statistically calculate how much longer your mother would have lived is impossible.
Maybe, just maybe, she waited until your brother was gone and you had gone to bed to pass. Maybe that is why she was in distress, she knew she was at the end but she did not want you to witness it.
Take comfort in the fact that she loved you and you loved her.
Please, please look for comfort in all the love coming your way.
You have ruminated too long about this, please do as Sadinroanokeva has suggested and seek counselling about this 🤗
But to be given two doses with not so much time between is pushing the person to die! I did not, at that time, understand thing, I was dedicated to help my mother in what I thought was distress.
I later read that fast breathing in the dying is not necessarily a sign of distress, BUT very distressing to caregivers.